Sunday September 28, 08

I'm going out of my mind. I don't know how much more stress I can handle.......I guess I'm getting old. Everything seems so surreal. My entire life feels like it's in a fog and I'm just going through the motions. Day by day, I float through. Nothing really has any meaning, or doesn't seem to anyway. I just took a Xanax, maybe things will at least feel a little bit better after this takes affect. If Chris only knew how his Army life is affecting me. Not that it really matters. It's his life and he has to do what he has to do. But I don't have to like it. It's like a double edge sword. I'm so very proud of him, but this DAMN WAR has to stand in the way of my happiness. It stands in the way of the beauty of his growth and maturity. I know I'll work through this somehow, but right now, I just don't know how. I wish I could go into a coma until it's all over with. At least I wouldn't have to feel the anxiety of it all. Maybe if I slip into a deep enough depression I can't sleep to the point of being comatose. That actually sounds like a plan.

Is this God's purpose and plan for Chris's life? I wish I could put my emotions in writing. It does not feel like I'm doing a very good job.

Sunday August 31, 08

Ugh!! I'm not feeling so well today. Scott's working and I sure wish he were here and could help get some things done. Well, I couldn't do anything today. I'm hoping that if I rest all day today that maybe I can get some stuff done tomorrow. This house is the pits and I know that Lori won't hardly get anything done on Tuesday. Gee, it would take her 4 hrs just to clean the kitchen. She's as slow as a snail. I just pray that I get a good one this time that will stick around for a while. I guess I've gotten so used to having different Aides, it doesn't bother me much anymore to keep changing. So, as long as they keep them coming, lol I guess I'm ok. But it'd sure be nice to have one that would stick around for a few yrs. Even 6 months would give me a break. I sure miss Nancy. My house was always spotless when she was here. She cleaned like I used to. Her and I still talk. I think she is coming close to a divorce and I'm so glad. She deserves much better than what she has. He's a prime A jerk! He's moving her to ILL. now. He just moved her to TX a few months ago. I've offered to let her stay here if she wants to live in the City or Yukon, until she gets on her feet. Her parents are in Enid and her daughter, but there isn't much of a job market in Enid. I don't know what she'll do, but I hope something happens soon. I hate to see her unhappy.

Ok, back to how I'm feeling. My legs and other parts hurt really bad again today. Except my back is going nuts today along with my legs :( I am weak and feel like I don't have enough blood flow in my legs. That's the only way I can describe the way they feel. Or they lack oxygen, something, but they just feel sick today. I'm not so sure that I could even stand long enough to do the dishes if the dishwasher were unloaded. That is one thing I can't do, is unload the dishwasher. I would attempt to clean the kitchen if it were unloaded. But Scott didn't get home until 9 last night, then he was too tired to do anything. He did take me to Buy 4 Less so I could get the dogs some food and some bread. It was great that he worked yesterday, we sure needed the money.

Since he's at work, I have to go to Manna Pantry by myself tonight. I don't think I can pull this off. I could probably make it to get the food, they do all the work. But there is no way I can bring it in the house and he won't be home till around 8, so this stuff can't sit in the car that long. There will be frozen stuff and it's too heavy for me to carry. So, I might have to put off going there until Wednesday. I think we might be ok if I do that. I think!

Anyway, it's going to be another peaceful day. I just hope Scott comes home in a better mood tonight than he did last night. He was a bear last night. Really put me in a bad mood. And I hope the dogs don't bug me to go in and out too much today. I need to just let my legs rest.

Well, I guess that's it for now.

Wednesday August 27, 08

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I could spit nails right now. Why does Scott keep doing this shit to me? I told this damn friend of his I don't want him back at my home. He came here yesterday and Scott brought him in. And he's here again today. Scott says "I live here too". I told this friggin brat that I PAY THE DAMN BILLS here and I SAY WHO COMES HERE AND WHO DOESN'T. I get so sick of him disrespecting me. This kid calls today as he's in our front yard. I yell and Scott as he's asking me if he can come in for a while, telling him NO I said he CANNOT come back to my house. He brings the friggin kid in anyway. NOW HOW FUCKING DISRESPECTFUL IS THAT. AND IT'S TEACHING THIS KID HE CAN DISRESPECT ME TOO. I'M SHIT.GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRWHAT i SAY MEANS NOTHING. I HATE MY FUCKING LIFE. AND I'M SUPPOSED TO GET RID OF ANGER? HOW THE FUCK CAN I? HE MAKES ME FUCKING CRAZY. WHY THE HELL I EVER THOUGHT OF HAVING FUCKING KIDS IS BEYOND ME. I WISH I HAD HAVE STOPPED AT ONE

Sunday August 24, '08

Well, it's been awhile since I've written. I guess it's about time to do so! One thing I keep forgetting to mention in the blog and to Tanja is that someone from Adult Protective Services came out the other day. I wasn't expecting that, so I told the lady, without opening the door, that Tommie wasn't here. I guess this would work something like a child abuse case? I'm not sure. I don't really want Scott hauled off, but I'm just afraid of what will happen. She also mailed me a letter following her visit and neesd to visit with me. She left her business card the day she came. I do want to see her, I'd like to have them as a recourse for when he pulls his crap again. OR they may have us do some kind of class? I don't know what they'll do and that is what scares me. Scott's not worried about it. I told him about it and told him to try and scare him that all I have to do is make the phone call and they'll come haul his butt off. It didn't phase him. Or at least it didn't seem to. He wouldn't show his fear to me anyway. I don't know what to do. Hoping Tanja can advise me what to do.

Everything has been going ok. He still won't do anything at all that I ask him to, or not much of it anyway. He will let the dogs out and that's about it. I think he did make the tea once when I told him to. I'm hurting really bad today and asked him to make us some scrambled eggs. He wouldn't do it, told me to go make myself some. He is such a friggin ass. I just can't stand him sometimes. Actually every time I tell or ask him to do something and he gets his attitude going. That's when I can't stand him and it's every day just about. I guess, I could make things easier and never tell or ask him to do anything. I don't know why I'm such a damn push over. I'll let him drive when he gets his license, which could be tomorrow. I need to not let him drive my car at ALL until he learns how to treat me properly. But I'm too stupid for that.

Chris IS going to Afghanastan in November and that scares the hell out of me. I'm so afraid of losing him. I'll be on pins and needles the entire time he is gone. When I see him next month, it will be the last time for at least 13 months. I just don't know what I'll do with him over there. I might need MORE Xanax, or someone to just knock me out until he returns. I don't want him to go. It's just not fair. He hasn't lived his life yet or not much of it anyway. My gosh, he is ONLY 21 and these other young men and women they are sending over there to the firing line. WAR SUCKS. I HATE IT. I can't believe he has done this to himself and everyone who loves him. To put us under this kind of worry. OMG if he doesn't come back alive, you'll have to put me away. This War has GOT to END, NOW. All of these kids need to be able to come home now. And not in body bags. I hate violence. Never have liked it.

Ok, I've got to get off this subject and my mind off it.

Friday August 15, 08

I'm bored stiff today. I don't know why. Today is no different than any other day. I'm just bored. I find myself wanting to visit with someone, anyone. lol Just anything to keep from being bored. I don't feel like dealing with medical stuff though. I do have things I could and should be doing, but don't wanna do any of them. They just aren't appealing! Ever have those days? I'm sure your life is too hectic for you to ever really get bored.

Colby has gone out with some friends. Scott is home not feeling well. He has a sore throat and made me take him to the ER this morning. He just knew he was dying and I couldn't convince him otherwise. In trying to, he accused me of just not caring. lol Little chit! So I took him and we were there all of 15 whole minutes. He just has sinus drainage that is causing his throat to hurt when he swallows and he just knew he was dying. So I appeased him. We checked in at 8:10 and left at 8:25, lol included everything.

I'm fighting with quitting smoking. It's a great battle for me. I've had lots of thoughts about it even down to thinking that it would be a great thing for my boys to feel and say "Mom picked smoking over living longer and being with us", after I die. That would be a fine thing for them to have to say when I die, huh? Then I think about the fact that much of what I have is self inflicted. And that one truly SUCKS! It all comes from me not living a healthy life style. Now the fibro and cfs are the only things just about that I can say I didn't bring on myself. Most everything else is my own fault and let me tell you, this is very hard to face and deal with. And I guess I think so little of myself that I haven't cared enough to take care of me. And then to think that many of the things that I bitch about not being able to do, I might be able to do if I'd quit smoking and lose weight. I'm sure it would give me a better quality of life. But I guess I just want someone to do it for me and they can't. *I* have to do this and I don't want to be deprived. But on the other hand, the things I'd be deprived of would give me greater benefits in life. How stupid can I be? Someone just needs to take me outback and shoot me?

There has got to be a reason why I'm this way? If I could just find that, maybe it would help me do what I need to do, but the clock is ticking and I don't have time to mess around. I've waited now till there is permanent damage to my lungs and heart. None of it can be reversed, but could be made better. If I were needing to do this for someone else's body, I bet I could do it much easier. Why can't I do it for my own? Do I not feel worthy? I know apart of me doesn't feel worthy because no one else cares enough so it seems. Or maybe I've just driven them all off with my anger. I know I drove Donna off with my anger. But I thought sisters were supposed to love unconditionally? I guess I was wrong there.

Charlotte, my sister who died in June helped me to quit smoking back in 1999. I was in the hospital and was to come home with oxygen due to the congestive heart failure. I talked to her on the phone as I knew I had to quit smoking, even though I didn't want to. I had her to tell me all the ugly things about smoking cigarettes and how I would die. As she was a nurse and knew all of the medical stuff. I'm sure to a point she made things sound worse than they were, but I cried on the phone, got angry, let it all out and I quit. I quit for 7 months. Funny thing is, I started back up with her. lol She was visiting my home 7 months later and we'd gone out on the balcony for her to smoke, it didn't bother me. But just out of curiosity, I asked for a drag off her cig just to see what it was like, if it would make me dizzy or what ever. BIG mistake, HUGE. Next thing, I smoked a whole cig, then another and then the next day I bought a pack. I was back to smoking again. I can still kick my own butt for doing that. If I could just have the determination I had back then. I just don't have a lot of hope I guess. And as for losing the weight. I know I'm going to have hanging bags of skin afterwards and that will just totally gross me out. I have no way of paying to have it surgically removed AND I don't know if my health would even allow me to make it through a surgery like that. I probably wouldn't even be able to find a surgeon who'd do it since it was a life threatening surgery that was needed to save my life, is what I mean.

I know for sure quitting smoking would make me feel better and I could breathe better. Two years ago I tried to quit and I had made it through 3-4 days, I could walk better, my breathing was better. I felt lighter on my feet because I could breathe. You'd think with just that right there, I would have stayed off of them, but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I'm too friggin STUPID.

Am I subconsciously making myself suffer for some reason? I wish the heck I knew WHY I do what I do. Can someone please tell me? Maybe it would help me to STOP beating myself up both on the inside and out.

Everything Dr. Dennis said the other day is so true and I know it. I've known about everything he said for a long time. So WHY can't I do what I NEED to do? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

I sit here as I type this SMOKING...........STUPID STUPID STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday August 14, 08

I'm being lazy! This is an email I wrote to a friend this morning. It has so much in it about what I'm going through right now, I thought I'd use it to start today's Journal.

No, I'm not suicidal. What I mean by giving up and just not taking care of my healthcare the way I should be and the way I used to. I'm just tired. And I have so much work to do, I don't know how I'll do it. I've allowed my healthcare to get way out of hand and I don't know what to do to bring it back. It seems everything requires my urgent attention and I don't have the energy to give everything the immediate attention so I'll have to take one thing at a time, but I don't know what to start with first. Well, actually I do know, but it's not something I really want to do. I harbor a lot of anger because I'm sick Chelle. I've been sick for 13 yrs and it just keeps getting worse. It appears that doctors kind of work like God, they don't like to and won't help someone who won't help themselves. And that's me. I'm not helping myself. I don't take my meds like I should. The only meds I do take right are the pain meds because there is immediate relief. With everything else, it's maintenance, so there is no "immediate" affect. The shrink counted 32 different meds on my list yesterday. My first dose, not including pain meds, consists of 15 pills and a shot. Then when I eat, that's another shot. Then there's the pain pills in the morning and 2 inhalants. Plus the stuff I put in my coffee for constipation from the Morphine, then the Potassium I have to drink because the Lasix depletes my Potassium and that stuff tastes like shit. This is just the morning. Then I have to drink or am supposed to drink the Potassium 2 other times per day, so what do I do, I just don't take the Lasix every day. And in not taking it I have fluid build up around my heart and lungs and other places. But I take it enough to keep me out of the hospital. When I take the Lasix, I'm chained to the friggin bathroom for about 6 hrs. Despite being on 4 diff. BP meds, my BP remains high. I don't feel that I'm getting the care I need from my doctors and it's all because I'm not doing my part. Everything my shrink said yesterday is gospel. It's all true, every word of it. My anger is so that I drive people away from me and have driven everyone who was once in my life away.

On top of the things I have listed in my signature on every email, I also have Congestive Heart Failure, COPD (well I've been told I have it and then I've been told by another doc that I don't) so I don't know for sure., I also have Spinal Stenosis in my neck and back, Degenerative Disk Disease, OsteoArthritis, GERD, Hypothyroidism, Asthma, Panic/Anxiety Disorder, Depression, and I think that is the end of the list. That is SEVENTEEN different chronic illnesses.

I do not manage my diabetes well, I weigh 292 lbs. So see, I don't take care of myself. My thinking that "I can still smoke and eat" are going to kill me! I've lost so much of what I used to be able to do in life, I just don't want to give those things up, but I have to and I hate to have to do anything I don't want to do. I'm a stubborn mule. Very rebellious and I'm only hurting ME. My shrink yesterday told me I'm my worst enemy, we all are our worst! Everything he told me, I already knew, but it was a slap in the face to hear it spoken by someone who had just seen me one time before. I could see right through me.

So, I'm really going through a difficult time right now and when I get like this, I close up and off. I have lots of decisions to make and lots of anger to work through. I've never been an angry person until I got sick and my own body defeated me. I feel so trapped by my own body. I HATE LIFE, but on the other hand I love life. I don't want to die, but I'm committing a slow suicide by not doing what I should be doing. I eat what ever I want being diabetic even and just take a shot. But I don't take them like I should, so my sugars stay higher than they should and that causes kidney and heart damage as well as damage to other organs and tissues. But I'm so friggin stupid to do what I should be doing.

Anyway, I'm being interrupted to go take these boys to the movie and drop them off. I'll write more later.

Monday July 4, 08

Hope today is better than yesterday all the way around. Yesterday was a very horrible day all the way till the end. I was in excruciating pain all day. I think I took a total of 9 of my short acting pills. I have NEVER had to do that before. It's the high pressure we are under that is causing the excessive heat. Well, that really increases my pain and that pressure is really bad right now. We won't get a break from it till later this week. I'm pretty painful this morning, but not as bad as I was yesterday morning. I just got up a few min.'s ago, so we'll see how bad it gets. Plus, I feel it will be worse today as I did something yesterday that I'm going to pay a very high price for. It's been a long, long time since I've been to the Dollar Tree or Dollar General. I wanted to go to Dollar General to get my cleaning stuff and paper goods, also so I could buy some dish clothes and bath clothes, or rags. Dollar General isn't very big at all, but OMG the store was HUGE for me. I had to go all the way to the back of course, everything I needed was in the far back corner. I like to have not made it back to the front of the store. I was practically laying on the shopping cart to get back and wasn't able to look for the rags. And I needed them so very badly, I had the clerk to wave Scott inside the store as I didn't have my phone with me. So, I sent him to the back of the store, or almost to the back to get the rags. The clerk told him about where they were. I comes back empty handed, couldn't find them. So the other clerk told him exactly where they were as she was checking out customers too. Once again, he comes back empty handed and this time he commented that he felt so stupid. lol I said "you should" since you can't find the rags. Scott never can find anything, I do mean never. He won't move anything to look and if it doesn't jump out in front of him, he can't find it. Typical male. So this made him upset. He was driving. He got us home safely and without speeding but turned corners hastily. Otherwise the trip home was ok. Then all hell broke loose when we got home. He told me that I need to stop acting like a bitch. To me that is calling me a bitch. Really upset me. I was in such pain after the store and short of breath. Not in very good shape at all. I had asked him to heat me up some soup. I wasn't cooking dinner as I had also cleaned the nasty kitchen yesterday, which took me the better part of the day. My legs are pretty sore this morning and will only get worse as the day goes on. As I'm not accustomed to walking like that, for that long or that far. But, I just had to go in there. I had to have that stuff so the Aide would have something to clean with today when she comes.

Anyway, back to Scott and our blow up. Things got really heated and I was bad, very bad. I called him a Prick, or told him to stop acting like one. He managed to keep his cool and not damage anything. I wound up calling the police because I grounded him and he was leaving with Sage anyway he said. I had told him Sage needed to go home. The cop was of no help at all. Which, really, what could he do? Nothing much I guess. The cops in the past that have come out have at least had a very stern talk with Scott. Not this one. As a matter of fact before he left, he said "Don't call us anymore unless there is a crime". I retorted, I won't ever call you again for anything. I HATE Yukon Cops. They suck. He argued with me over the judge wanting to put me in jail back in Feb. He was a real asshole. I hate men! I honestly do.

So, it turned out that Scott left with Sage, ignoring the grounding all together and they left. Sages Mom came and got them and he's gone. I don't know when he'll be home and I don't care if he comes back.

I really need to do as Karen had once told me to do and move toward getting this house cleaned out and getting rid of a bunch of stuff, then finding a little one bedroom place for me to live. To be prepared for when Scott moves out so I'm not left sitting having to pay all of this. There is no way I can pay it on my income alone, we know this. I will have to move to OKC or Bethany to find something cheap enough for me to live. I don't know what to do, but that does seem like the right thing to do. Not that it is, it just seems like it. I will find a new home for Smokie and Precious. I've got to be able to keep Bandit, but I'm not sure how that will go over. I just can't bare the thought of giving him up :( We'll see, I'm not going to make any hasty decisions. But I have to put some kind of plan in motion.

I'm still not sleeping and I'd almost bet that the Celexa is causing it or playing a role in me not being able to sleep. I didn't even lay in the bed this morning until way after 6am. I kept nodding off sitting on the bed, but didn't lay down until then. And then I only slept 2 hrs, split up.

Saturday August 2, 08, Con't

I had gotten a payday loan from online, in which I had to give them my account number or order for them to deposit the money into my account. I was to pay them monthly, but my calling or paying online. I wasn't able to make the first payment on time, so they debited my account causing $70 in insufficient fund charges and I called my bank about this and told them that I did NOT authorize them to debit my account and he said that since I took out the loan and gave them my account number that they could do what ever they wanted to. I DID NOT authorize them to debit money from my account. So I asked him if I had a car loan, which I do and I have at one time or another paid them with my debit card over the phone and then later defaulted on the loan, could they debit my account for payment without me authorizing it? He said YES. I then asked if they could do so without court order and he said yes. So I guess if ANYone has your checking account number they can take money out of your account with no proof that you authorized them to or not, just because they have the account number. Is that not ABSURD or what?

Gee I spell better when I'm mad. lol No misspelled words here at all. lol Well except it didn't like the ANYone!!

Saturyday August 2, 08

Well, my checking account is now over drawn by $832. I'm so very confused and upset, I don't know what to do and the bank isn't helping. I'm on the phone with them and they are about to drive me insane. I've not authorized anyone to take the money out of my account that has been attempted and I'm getting charged $35 each time they attempt it and it's added up now to 832.00. And then what ever else that has caused all of this I don't know. I need help and I don't know where to get it. They won't close this account until it's at a zero balance. And I don't have 832.00. I'm about to cry, this is so upsetting. I've never had this many problems with my account and then also someone's been trying to take money from my savings account as it's over drawn by 2 over draft fees but it doesn't say he tried to take the money. They say I have to call the research dept on monday and have them research to find out why my savings account is OD. I'm so upset, I don't know what to do. I feel my brain is really going Tanja and I'm kind of scared. Can a person be so boggled down with stress this is what happens to them? I can't have my brain going out on me too. I'd just a soon be dead then to have it go out too. It's bad enough my body is going out and I can't deal with it if I don't have a brain too.

Wednesday July 30, 08

Today is Billy's 49th birthday! I can't believe we are as old as we are. I just wish he were still alive. I do think of him often, but have really gotten over the hurt of his death. But I'll never stop missing him. And will always hold him close to my heart. And I think this has a tad to do with why I'm so close to Chris, he reminds me so much of Billy. His mannerisms are the same, his smile. As a matter of fact, I identified him in the group picture of his platoon by his mouth. He has Billy's mouth. He has Billy's laugh too.

I really think I've given up on the PH stuff. I learned from someone at the PH Group I'm a member of, just yesterday, that there is really no treatment for secondary PH. It's a matter of finding what is causing it and treating that. I just can't go through all of this alone and I won't. I will just let it run it's course. Nothing in my life has ever been easy, I don't know why I thought things would be with this. So, when ever God wants to take me, I'm ready. I just can't deal with all of this anymore. These docs don't really seem to know what they are doing in my case and that I just can't bare. I was supposed to have gone to the lab on the 14th and 21st for Dr. Bag due to this new med he put me on. I haven't been yet. And I can go right here in Yukon. I just don't want to take the time to do it, so I haven't. I just have no desire to be involved in all of this crap anymore. And when a doctor shows little interest then I do too. It's like it's no big deal, the way they are handling it anyway. So why should I get all worked up over nothing? And they treat it that way because they don't know what to do. I do want to get off some of this medicine. And I will eventually find a Internal Med doc who will take me on. It's hard to even find a new PCP. When Dr. McCurdy closed his practice, Donna and I called several Dr's offices before we found one who would even take me with the general chronic illnesses, not to mention the pain. We couldn't find one to treat my pain. It had to be a pain management specialist. I'm so tired of fighting all of this alone. And Scott is getting ready to start school and I won't even have him anymore to help me get to the Dr. Then I will feel even more alone.

I'm very tempted to tell Peggy that I'm sorry, I just can't help her with Bill. I can't handle my own stuff, why should I do that?

Well, this is pretty much what I had to say in reference to the email I sent to you earlier. It's not really that I don't care. It's that the Dr's don't really care, so why should I? Why should I fight, when I need them to fight with me and they aren't willing to fight. They have other easier things to focus on. I'm just a problem child. Always have been. So, I'll get by the best I can on what I have and see where it takes me. Yes, I'd love to have a better quality of life and live longer, but that doesn't seem to be a part of my future.

Monday July 28, 08

This weekend wasn't too bad. It was hotter than hell though! I just stayed in out of it for the most part. The boys and I went to Walmart at 3 this morning. It sure was nice out then. I wish it were like that in the day time and it wasn't even humid. It was perfect! I could have stayed out if the town wasn't all rolled up and put away!
I know I shouldn't have been up so late, but actually I slept during the evening, from 6-9. Then went back to bed before 10:30 to wake up at 12:30am. Darn Bandit woke me up at 9, got back to sleep and Scott then wakes me up too. I might have slept all night if they'd have left me alone. I hate that! I was sleeping so good! Anyway, when I woke up at 12:30, Scott and Colby were still out. They had walked to Walmart earlier and gone to Jacob's too. Jacob went with them to Walmart as well. They were supposed to have brought back a couple of items, but didn't. That's why I went ahead and went at 3am. We were totally out of toilet paper. Gotta have that stuff. lol So I took my little $29 and bought a bunch of stuff. We needed it all too. Thank God payday is Friday. I can't wait. I hate paying bills, but I have to, then maybe I can buy some groceries. I'm going to Manna Pantry tomorrow night. That will get us through this week. This is becoming a way of life for us, shamefully. But praise the Lord they are there. I don't know how we'd make it other wise. Scott has got to get off his butt and get a job. Here summer is almost over and he still hasn't worked. And I don't see how he thinks he's going to go to school, vo-tech and work during the school year when he can't even work and play in the summer. Yeah right, it'll never happen. He doesn't seem to know himself very well.

I'm so very excited that Chris will be home a month early. I can't wait. I only have a month to wait now instead of two!!! YIPPEE! He weighs 193 now and keeping it on. I'm so proud of him, I can't wait to see him. I'll never take my arms from around him. It's a shame I can't pick him up from the gate at the airport. Darn terrorists....grrrrrrrrr. I hate when bad people ruin good things for us. Just makes me sick to my stomach. And there is so much that we can't do these days because of bad things others have done. You've got to meet him again :) I know you will. He is just an awesome person. God bless him for being there for our freedom. He told me the other day they have been practicing for Iraq :( I don't want him to go there and if he does, I will pray my heart out that he comes back. I just cry every time we lose one of ours over there. You hear this stuff on the news and hope like heck that the families have already been notified when they announce that "we lost 4 today". I hope I never have to hear those words, that something has happened to my son. I'm just so in love with my son. lol Not "that" kind of love, but you know what I mean. I feel like I need to get to know him all over again now. But I know, he is still Chris, just an enhanced version and I can't wait to see it. God bless him! I just have such a great admiration for him. What can I say? He's mine!!
He's the best Christmas present I have ever received and there is none other that can replace this gift. Ok, I should stop bragging now. lol

I pray that Scott will come out of his troubles well. I wish he could go in the Military, but I also wish the war wasn't going on. I couldn't bare to have them both over there. OMGosh, that would tear my heart out. It's going to be bad enough if Chris has to go over there. He wants to go, but I say NOOOOOOOOO. He has a great passion about it too. Scott wants to join to follow in Chris's footsteps. Chris is his Hero along with his Dad. I'm glad he has them. It might be all that keeps him going. If he ever heals from all of his wounds, he will be a more awesome person. I can't wait to see that person. I just wish there was something I could do to make it happen and remove him from the pain that consumes him. It is heart breaking to watch it. It does make me angry too. But it hurts more and then I guess the hurt turns to anger. He will get there despite the set backs I've laid in his path. I'm getting better at handling him. And refraining from dogging him so bad. I feel like such a terrible Mother for saying the things I've said to him and about him, but I can't take them back.

I'm getting too emotional here and Colby has country music playing in the back ground that isn't helping. lol I'm signing off for now.

Wednesday July 23m 08

Today has been kind of a "blah" day. Nothing really eventful, except the lack of liking of my Aide. If it were up to me she wouldn't get paid more than minimum wage. She just isn't worth it. Today she came and after standing here for 15 mins talking, before she clocked in and then a little bit afterwards and she was late to boot. She finally asked if I needed her to do anything today. Well gee, look around! So, I did ask her to clean the trash cans, ALL of them, and clean out the fridge. Then she asked if I wanted her to fix some lunch or what ever. I did have her to fix us breakfast. Just french toast, eggs and sausage. I know it's not her job to cook for the boys, but while she's at it, might as well, right? Well, I know it's not right, but have her to fix mine, then me go in and fix theirs? That just seems stupid. Anyway, she did fix breakfast and cleaned the fridge and trash cans and that is ALL she did in 3 hrs. And she claims she has the house caught up since Tara being here. Hell it looks worse than when Tara left here last. It is so hard to get a good Aide. I did go ahead and call my Case Manager and requested to change Companies. I've only given her a wk and a half, and in that time, she's missed a day already for something that she could have done after work. She gets off here at 2:30 and the Court House is opened till 5:00. And then she comes in today and reports that she didn't get anywhere with all of that yesterday. I'm not surprised, she just talks too much. She's a very nice girl, but I'm not sure that she really gets what her job is. I have to say, I've had MUCH better Aides than her. I thought she would work out after the first couple of days, but it went downhill from there.

Monday I asked her to clean my room, she said, "you mean make the bed and vacuum"? I just agreed and rolled my eyes after she had turned away. If I have to give her that kind of instruction then I'm not wasting my breath. Oh and today, because she did the fridge and trash cans, she didn't clean the kitchen. Just left it as it was. And it will be there for her tomorrow. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Colby said he'd clean it, but I told him no, leave it for her to do tomorrow. And I bet that is all she gets done tomorrow too.

I hope I don't sound like a slave driver, and I don't think I'm asking too much, am I? She is being paid nearly 9 bucks an hr, you'd think she could get more done than she does. Oh well, I'm going to go back to Baptist Home Care, I never really had as much trouble out of them. Quincie is leaving darn it. I'd love to have her back. But then on the other hand, we are too close really to have her work here again. I'm going to ask my Case Manager, maybe I need to go to a whole new company and not go back to Baptist. I'll call Baptist tomorrow and kind of fill them out. See if they even have an Aide who does Yukon. See how long and how hard it will be to get staffed. I really hate to give up Becky, my nurse, but nurses are easy to replace. In home care anyway. She just fills my med planner trays and does vitals. But I've had her a long time and am comfortable with her. Oh well again! Such as life in the Home Health care business. lol

I guess everything else is going ok today. Tomorrow is Dr. Mackey day. I am out of pain pills again. lol So I'm glad. I've taken my last 3 today. I wish he'd just give me 180 of them and leave off the long acting stuff and leave me be! I'd be just fine and would never run out. Never did before. And he did give me an extra 40 this month. Maybe he'll increase the qty this time. I sure hope so, I am going to ask him to. I doubt that he will, he'll want to increase the long acting more and I'm just going to tell him that I'm afraid if we go any higher, I'll start swelling again. We'll see what happens. He sure is good looking!! If I were healthy and he weren't' married, oh my!! I'd go after him! LOL

Scott has been okay today. Non-eventful. He slept really late and is up now but still in his room. Jacob and Colby are still here. Colby fixed my filing cabinet today. Yesterday he cleaned my ceiling fan in my room. I think he might have cleaned the one in the living room today and was going to do Scott's too.

I'm not even cooking tonight. I'm going to take a shower, much needed at that, lay on my bed and watch tv for the evening. Sounds good to me! Sooner Ride will pick me up at 12:15 tomorrow and take me to Edmond. I don't know if I wrote this yesterday or not, can't remember. But when I drive myself to Edmond I can get reimbursed. Well that's what I was told yesterday. Now, reading the voucher, it asks for the name of the person who drove me and they are the one who will get paid. I'll have to call back and see if I misunderstood yesterday. Darn it!!

Oh well, I guess this is all I have to say right now.........later on :)

Monday July 21, 08, continued

I'm so very depressed today. I just can't shake it. Scott has me in such a bad mood. Then Stacey sent me pictures of Chris. I miss him so much and wish he were here. Life is so much easier when he's here. God how I miss him. It upsets me so bad that he is upset with me and doesn't call me. It upsets me even more that I can't get him a cell phone. I can't do anything for anyone except offer verbal support.

I wish I could shake this depression and anger today. I'm in tears as I type this. I've been totally embarrassed by Scott. Here we have very little food here. I feed all of these damn kids and Jacob orders calizone from All American today, think they'd offer me some? Nope. They ordered pizza last week too and never offered me any. I didn't even know they had done it until I found the empty box under the coffee table. I feel so ashamed over this. That I have to feel this way about food, because it's so scarse. I'm so angry. I said something to Scott about how rude it was for them to do this. He later brings in a piece on a saucer with sauce and I refused it. I had a bolonga sandwich. That's ok, payback's a bitch. And I told Scott they need to find someone else to buy their cigarettes for them, or go get them anyway. They buy them and dumbass me goes and gets them for them. That's stopping right now too. I'm going to quit as I can't buy them and then they won't be allowed to smoke in my house again. And if I find cigarette butts in my yard or patio, they'll be banned from smoking outside too. The war is on. I'm really getting tired of all these kids being over here. They practically live here and I know none of their parents would ever allow this, because they have a family life. We don't even have a family here. I want so bad to go in there and make them all leave. But I'm angry, depressed and just down right pissed

Monday July 21, 08

I just noticed that I dated yesterday's entry as Saturday July 20th instead of Sunday. Was I so mad I lost a day? Possibly. Scott has got me so mad. This boy won't move for crap. Maybe I should take him to the dump? Something. He is just totally worthless. He treats me like crap. He's now jealous of his friends and I. Well they treat me better. He treats me horribly and Colby has told him so. Ah, to have a son like Colby, I'd be in Heaven and I will be in Heaven before I do. I've got to stop giving Scott anything. I really need to have his phone shut off as he doesn't deserve it. That will totally piss him off and I'm thinking I'll wait till Chris is home visiting before I do that so I'll have some protection. I'll just give the phone to Chris.

Chris is still upset with me. And I feel horrible about what happened. He needed me to put $20 in his checking account so he could get his hair cut before he got in trouble, well I wasn't able to and he got in trouble. I feel so horrible for this and I'll never forgive myself for that. He doesn't call hardly at all anymore. He called long enough yesterday to tell me that he was going into a ballgame, the Army got them all free tickets and to ask if we'd found his phone yet. Then that was the end of the conversation. He always says he'll call back but never does. This just makes me feel the size of a flea. Here it is 10:30 and Scott is still sleeping. The house looks like shit and the Aide will be here in an hour. It isn't her job to clean up after these boys and she doesn't. She will clean the kitchen today and that'll be it. I'll have her to make my bed, but that is about all she'll be able to do because the living room looks like a bomb went off in it. I can't wait till Scott moves out and I can have my home to myself. Still the that one problem remains. I'll have to give Bandit up and I don't want to. That will break my heart. But, I'll have to move to an apartment and I can't take him out for walks as he needs to go. But then, he'll be a little older by then so maybe it will be possible. I still wish I could find a small one bedroom house, or 2 bedroom even, just for me and my dogs. Something with a small yard, so they can go out and do their business. Or Bandit anyway, I'll have to get rid of Smokie. And I've got to see what Chris wants me to do with this cat. I can't keep her for sure and don't want to keep her. I've never really cared for cats. Bandit is about the best thing I've got in my life. He loves me unconditionally. Always has and always will.

I've got to buy a garbage disposal when I get paid. Nine more days. I can't ask the Landlord to as they just bought this one last year sometime. Colby broke it by accident. A spoon was in it and he didn't know it, turned it on and it burned the motor up. Danny came and looked at it. And he said the motor is burned up. I don't really trust his judgement, but I don't have anyone else to look at it. He said he'd put the new one in when I got it. So, I'll get him over here to do that. Hopefully today will be a better day than yesterday. Scott never did clean the kitchen yesterday. Colby did what was done in it. Scott was to load the last load of dishes and of course didn't. I'll just have to apologize to Sarah this morning for the mess that's here and have her do what she can. Usually the Aides will do what ever needs to be done, but she's let me know in so many words that she won't do anything that isn't for me.

Saturday July 20, 08

Scott is a major asshole. I can't stand him. I can't wait till he turns 18, he will be OUT. God I can't wait. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I wish I could put him out right now, I would in a heart beat. Colby is the best friend this kid has and Colby got onto him, wrongfully, but I don't blame him at all. Colby is always doing stuff around here to help me out and Scott too for that matter. And I told Scott to go clean this damn kitchen, he's jacking around and Colby got in his ass. They got into a big argument and now Colby is gone. Scott is a true asshole who needs to have his ass kicked like a man. And I'm hoping that when Chris comes this Fall, he'll take this friggin brat outside and do a number on him. Scott needs it. He needs someone to kick his ass everytime he raises his head. I swear I am ashamed to say he is mine. Little friggin bastard. I can't stand him right now. He is a worthless piece of shit, who doesn't deserve the air he breathes. He won't do a damn thing around here, lets his friends do what he should be doing. Colby has fixed things, always cleaning doing something. Picks up after all of their friends who have come here and made messes. I'm sure Colby's getting tired of it now too. Colby told him to get off his lazy ass and get something done.

There, Colby has come back and they've apologized to each other. If I were Colby, I'd tell Scott to go to hell. I'm sorry, but I'm pissed at him. He is totally worthless. He will never be anything or get anywhere in life because he is too friggin lazy to. Gosh I can't stand him. And I raised this friggin monster. I just almost HATE him, but I don't hate. But I do hate who he is, who he's turned out to be. I wish Chris was here, OMGosh all hell would break loose. I wish to hell Scott could go into the Military, it would do my heart good to know he is going through bootcamp and being made to move. But he can't because of his asthma. He's already been turned down. What am I saying, he'd be sent back home, he'd never make it through the 1st week of bootcamp, he's too big of a pansie.

I wish I had the money to buy some wine. I'd get drunk. LOL Yeah right! I haven't been drunk since 1989 and never will again. Gosh, it's been nearly 20 yrs. I wouldn't like to be drunk, but a nice glass of wine to relax would be good. Or two! This kid could drive the Pope to drinking, I swear. I know, some find language I've used here. But he brings it out in me and anything less wouldn't seem as strong. The anger I feel toward him is unspeakable.

Saturday July 19, 08

Last night was another sleepless night. I fight my sleep. I just don't want to sleep sometimes, then I'm exhausted. lol I'm my worst enemy. I should make myself go to sleep when I start falling asleep watching TV. Actually, I know before then that it's time to go to bed, but I don't. I did sleep the night before last for 8 hrs., plus took a 2 hr nap yesterday! Then last night, I just refused to sleep. Until about 4 this morning, I think it was, I slept for about 45 mins. I know I must stop this as it is shredding years off my life. And I want to live as long as God will allow. I do plan to take a short nap today, then I'll be sleepy tonight and can go to bed early. I wish I had a reason to be on a schedule. I do during the school year, and it's really hard as I try to fight my sleep then. But I'm on more of a schedule than I am during the summer. And then at the end of each school year, I tell myself I'm not going to get into the bad habit of staying up all night, lol that lasts about a month, then I fall off the wagon. If I could get on a schedule and stay on one, it would be setting a good example for Scott and maybe in time, he'd follow my lead. I've just got to do this. And starting tonight, I'm going to try really hard. I like waking up between 4:30 and 6:00 in the morning. So if I'd get to sleep by 11, I could do this and still get enough sleep, for me, anyway. And that way I wouldn't feel like I'm sleeping my life away. I love the early morning hours when everyone else is still asleep. The babies continue to sleep in even though I'm up, which is good!! Once they are up, they want to run in and out for awhile. lol

Well gee. I can't really think of anything else I want to write at the moment. Things are going pretty good. Sage and Scott made up and he spent the night last night. I had 3 visitors last night spending the night. We just took one home. I had never met him before. Umm I can't even remember his name right now. He sure thanked me for letting him spend the night last night. They introduced us when they got home at midnight last night. He's one of Sage's friends, but Scott has played hacky sak with him at school too. So he wasn't a complete stranger. He sure is polite though. Sage will just be here till we leave around 3 to go to Edmond and pick up Jacob. He's working up there today and won't have a ride home. His step dad had to go out of town and something else with his real dad. I can't remember the story, but he called me earlier this week to see if I'd come get him today if he paid for the gas. So sure, I can do that. Otherwise, I don't have the money to go to Edmond. lol Plus the tolls. I hate being so broke, but this will sooner or later pass. I just know it will. In the mean time, as thin as the ice is at times, we still get by. Haven't gone hungry yet. Even with feeding all of these growing boys this summer, we've made it. God is good and He always takes care of me.

I was reminded of how God takes care of me this morning. A friend of mine in VA emailed and was asking how in the world I make it with co-pays and Dr's fee's and such. As I was telling her all that I have, I felt ashamed that I ever complain about anything. I told her how blessed I am and I hate that everyone who is disabled can't get the same benefits that I do. Some can, some can't. I'm one of the truly blessed ones. Yeah, I pay co-pays for a few months out of each year and that about kills me, but I get by still. I'm so very thankful and praise the Lord that it's only a few months and only about $60 a month. Otherwise, I don't know what I'd do. I'd not be taking some meds. No, that's not true either. I'd find a way, I always have. Even with Advantage cut us back to only 3 prescriptions per month, I never went without. Now I did cut out some meds, like the one for incontinence, but that was about it. Oh and the Requip for RLS. I could have gotten them, but I could live without them too. So I did!

Scott and I are truly blessed. I have a great support system even though my family isn't a part of it. Even Peggy, with us talking nearly everyday, she is of no support to me. She hardly even asks how I'm doing. But I listen to her about Bill and all of her troubles and fears. Try to calm her and be a positive support person. Nancy had thought that with this happening to Bill and being so close to Peggy that should would get a clue about what I go through. But no, that didn't happen. She's here to see what I can do for her. And I will help her with Bill when he comes home. That will be the end of this month. Then he'll go to day treatment and Peggy will get him to and from there. I have my limits and will stick to them. If there is a day I can't do it, or it becomes too much for me, I've learned how to say NO. And don't have a problem with it. It's ok for me to say no. Even though it's hard to sometimes and I will push a bit harder than I should in some cases, but won't for very long. Plus as long as Donna is still in town, she can help too. I've just got to go over and sit with him to make sure he doesn't go outside, or do things that he's not supposed to. He just doesn't know any better right now. So it won't be too difficult to help them out. He will feed himself, fix his own food and all. I don't have to do any of that, which is a good thing, cause I can't. Peggy doesn't realize how limited I am as she is never around me. She never comes to my home, and when she does, she's only here for up to 15 mins. So she has no clue how I live my life. And we don't talk about it, because it's all about her and Bill. She knew I was going to have a heart cath done, but she's never even asked about it and I didn't tell her either. I figure if she cares enough to remember it, then she'll ask, if not, I won't burden her. So I just kept it to myself and those who do give a crap about me. Which are Tanja, my online support friends, Nancy, Quincie and a few others.

Ok, so I guess I did have more to write about. lol I don't understand how people can be so selfish and only think of themselves or their own families and nothing or no one else? I will never understand that.

Oh well, such as life! I know where I stand in everyones life around me. And I stay on my side of the line. :) Ok, I may go take a nap. Or may just play some more games. But I'm done here for now!!

Monday July 14, 08

Today started out to be a somewhat great day, other than fighting with Scott over cigarettes. After the past year, nearly, that I have bought him cigarettes, even though I shouldn't have, he can't share if I''m out and he has some. I was so mad at him this morning I could have spit nails. He's a selfish little prick! Yes, I called him that, God forgive me. But he makes me so mad. He called me a bitch again today, and told me FU to go with it. He can be the biggest asshole on this earth. Colby buys the cigarettes because as you know, I don't have the money to. I feel so stupid fighting with a little teenage punk over cigarettes, but that's the addiction part of cigarettes. I had to fight with Scott all morning to get any cigarettes until Colby got over here and I went to get some.

So since all of this went on this morning, Scott hasn't done a thing for me all day. I had asked him to make another pot of coffee this afternoon as it replaces food for me. He said NO, I'm still Pissed at you. The little jerk. I'm so upset with him Tanja. And I'm really bad at the name calling to him when I'm mad at him as I couldn't hit him and hurt him. Plus he'd probably hit me back. He's just biding his time until he turns 18 and can get out of here. I told him not to wait, GO NOW. I won't stop him. But I would, I'd call the police and report him as a runaway even though I want him out of here. Scott's never going to make it in the outside world as he is too friggin lazy to make it. He wants to get paid, but doesn't want to work. He and Colby were supposed to go looking for jobs today, but of course that didn't happen. He didn't get out of bed till 11:30. And that was only because we were fighting over cigarettes. So the day turned to be rotten. I swear if I could spank him and hurt him, I'd take great satisfaction in that. But as I said, he'd hit me back or I'd go to jail for child abuse. Scott just holds his anger in, and every now and then he'll have an outburst. But not near as bad as they used to be. He tries to just keep his mouth shut or get away from me. And I put him down too. Anything to hurt him. I have to stop allowing myself to do this. But he makes me so mad because I can't hurt him. Yes, I want to hurt him when he's like this and I do get verbally abusive.
I didn't today, but I have told him in the past that I hate him or can't stand him and want him out of my house. he can be the most miserable person to live with and then at times he can be the most pleasent. It's not him I hate, it's his attitude and mouth. His hatefulness that he exhibits when he's mad. Makes me not be able to stand him. I'm ashamed of myself and it's very hard for me to tell all of this about the things I do and have done, but it's the truth and they are things I MUST work really hard on. I do good until he starts being an ass, then I blow. My mouth just runs and runs.

Saturday July 12, 08, continued

The story of the female Job!!! lol

Growing up, we never went to Church except on Easter Sunday. And that was only when we went to Atoka to visit my Aunt May. She was a sweet lady. She even gave me a Bible, which I still have, that someone gave to her in 1968. I still have it, put away. Wow, that thing is 40 yrs old now. I got it from here in about 1974. When we didn't go visit her, I remember us going to Church with my oldest sister Pat. We did a lot of things with Pat and Jerry. They had 5 children and Mama, at the time had us last 4 girls. We were all the same ages. Yeah, those 5 children are my nieces and nephews! We did LOTS of things together. I experienced many things in life that I wouldn't have if it weren't for my sister Pat. She's 25 yrs older than me and had 4 children by the time I was born.

Okay, back to my Church life as a child. I remember when we lived on Trenton Ave. in Tulsa, there was an Pastor from Eastwood Baptist Church that came to visit us. Finally, the Church bus would come to pick us girls up on Sunday mornings. Mom didn't go. And we'd go to Church. I don't know what happened, but it was short lived. Then some time after that, Donna and I began going to Church with the neighbors across the street. The Messer's were their names. It was a family of 7, 3 girls, 2 boys and Mom and Dad. They were a devout Christian family. The girls weren't even allowed to wear jeans or shorts. Dresses only. And of course Mom never wore anything but dresses, their Mom that is. This pretty much sums up my Christian and Church life as a child.

Here's where my punishment comes in. Well, as a result of what I'm about to tell. Billy and I never went to Church, except with his Grand Parent's when we came to Tulsa to visit. I was Baptised when we lived in Tulsa when I was about 17. I never really felt good about my baptism because the Pastor who performed the Baptism, had a pack of cigarettes in his shirt pocket when he Baptised me. That just didn't set well with my spirit and I felt unclean. I knew I would some day do it again.

In 1992, Billy left me for another woman. I didn't know until 3 months after he was gone that he'd been in the relationship for 6 months, 3 months prior to me putting him out. I was so distraught when he left. He left me with an 8 month old baby who'd just been diagnosed with CP and a 5 yr old son. Of course, Chris and Scott. We had a rent house in Tulsa, we'd just moved back from Texas in 1989. Anyway, I didn't know who to turn to. And I wound up turning to the Pastor of the Church where Chris attended daycare and preschool. I later put Scott in their nursery.

I began counseling with Pastor Holder at New Life Christian Center/Assemblies of God, sometime after Billy left. I even had a Christian attorney. In time, I turned everything over to God. A very deep, spiritual relationship grew between the Holy Trinity and I. It was the most awesome time of my life. It's the only time in my life that I experienced true and complete happiness. A completeness, that I'm sure you must understand. I was an infant in Christ and it was wonderful. Every night after putting the boys to bed, I'd have a couple of hours in union with the Holy Spirit. Such precious time it was. I'll never forget the things I experienced during the next 2 yrs. Everything seemed to be layed out for my life just as the Lord wanted it. Everything always fell into place and we never even came close to doing without. The Lord always provided for us and I was able to keep up my home, yard work and all. I never had anyone watch my boys. They were mine and I took care of them. Billy didn't even take Chris for visitation for the first few months. And even then he didn't take him overnight as it was in the divorce decree that as long as he was with her and unmarried, residing in the same home, he couldn't have Chris over night. Now he could get a Hotel or stay at his cousins or Grandma's with Chris, but he never did that. And that was ok. I knew in my heart of hearts that we'd get back together someday. God would see it through. Then it came to where I was content with my life as it was even if I never was back with Billy. I had the Lord in my life and my life was complete. I didn't date and remained faithful to the marriage. I took those vow's before God, and man couldn't break them. Only divorce. Or so I thought that was the only way. I found out later that there was a clause in the Book and divorce also severed the wedding ties, as the adulterer was stoned to death, hence, "vowing till death do us part". I didn't learn of this until almost a yr and a half later and that was ok. I was still faithful to the marriage. But after finding this out, and learning that I needed to move from Tulsa to Edmond, did I finally rid myself of the wedding rings. I traded them in on a cocktail ring. I was tired of playing satans games. I had no intentions of dating or ever getting married again, but I had to get rid of the rings and open a new chapter of my life, or rather be active in the new chapter that had been opened for me by Billy. The Lord guided everything in my life. I didn't do anything without consulting Him first. Just as it should be. And I hope to someday return to that life. I prayed daily and every night I had my union time with the Holy Spirit. I experienced a deliverance once. It was too cool. Demons floated out of my body. It was really awesome!! We had been doing a Bible study at Church on Wednesday nights, (I went 3 times per week and every time there was a revival or service) it pertained to allowing the Lord to rule our lives, for Him to pour out our inner being and fill us with who he wanted us to be. I followed scripture tot he "T". I prayed and I prayed for this to happen. Slowly, it happened, step by step. I let "self" die and was renewed in the likeness of Christ.

My family called me a Bible Thumper. I didn't care. I was living just as the Lord intended I live. We didn't watch secular television. If it wasn't God related, it wasn't on my TV screen. We'd rent video's from Mardel's. I took my faith very seriously. I even taught children's Church. I had group meetings in my home. I don't know if you've heard of Psalty the Song Book? But they toured in Tulsa at Oral Roberts once and I took Chris to seem them. It was too fun. I even went to Christian music concerts. I saw 4Him in concert at a Church in Tulsa and I can't remember the other 2 groups I went to see. I went alone. I didn't have anyone to go with, it didn't bother me. Grandma and Grandpa watched the boys while I went. God answered my prayers back then. And if I'd ask for Him to show me He was working on what ever it was, usually there would be some kind of sign that let me know it was in progress. It was soooo cool to have such a close relationship with the Lord. I witnessed to people, drew them to Christ. Got some coming to my Church. I was His instrument just as I should be. I lived this Holy life for 2 yrs. Then after I moved to Edmond, I had a hard time finding a new Church home and then after a while, I fell away from God :( I'm so ashamed of myself. Building a relationship with Christ, takes work and time. It doesn't happen over night. I'll have to start all over now to renew it. At least I do know more now than I did then.

Now for the kicker! It was just almost 3 yrs later, after I fell away from the Church and God, or that I moved to Edmond from Tulsa and lost my Church home, that I got sick and my life began the spiral to nearly complete ruins. Where I am today. My thinking is that the Lord has spent all these years trying to get me close to Him again and I've rebelled. I've been totally stubborn and have chose to do everything MY way, not His. And this is where it's gotten me. This is why I keep saying that the Lord has done all of this to me. I don't think He has "done" it. But I do feel that He has allowed it. I feel He's tried to make me lean on Him again. To allow Him to rule my life and I haven't submitted to Him yet. I think it's high time I give in. Throw in the towel. He talks to me all the time, but I ignore Him. I know it's Him speaking to me. That little voice that is so gentle and tries to guide us.

So, now that I have acknowledged this to the point of sharing with anyone, NOW is the time to do something about it. HE is the ONLY one who can fix my life. And I have to lean on Him! It will take some time. There is lots of healing to be done and He is the ONLY one who can heal me. My spirit has to be totally renewed again. Letting the fleshly "self" die is a process. It dies one layer at a time. And perhaps all of this time that I've wished to be dead or had thoughts of killing myself, this is what has needed to be done. This is the death I've been speaking of.

Oh and by the way, I did get Baptised again! It was by Pastor Holder in 1992, right before I joined the Church. And I figured out that as I sought a new Church home in Edmond, I was looking for the wrong thing. I was looking for my Church home I had in Tulsa and there are no 2 a like. So, when I seek a Church home when the time comes, which will be soon, I knew what NOT to look for. WOW it's been 16 yrs too long since I've had a Church home. I think it's way past time that I get on the road to searching. My search will be easy this time as the Lord will take me where He wants me to be.

Saturday July 12, 08

I hate that I'm such a negative person. This pink color is so pretty, but it's not how I feel on the inside. I feel like a very ugly person. Everything in my life for the most part is negative. I hate that about me.

Today is Scott's birthday and I hate it because I couldn't even buy him a card. I sent him one online though. That's the best I can do. I don't even have the money to buy the stuff to make a cake for him. Such a sad life I live. Why is it this way? I know it's just me and everything I do. I want to blame God, but.........hell I don't know. Scott just came in from checking the mail, hoping he'd have a card in the mail and nothing. Not even from his grandma in NY. She never fails to send him money for his birthday, but he never calls her or even talks to her when she calls. But then again, he doesn't really know her well and his only memories of her have negativity in them. We haven't seen her since Billy's funeral and she's been to Tulsa a few times since then and is going to be there this month too. I don't have the money to go see her. I wish I did, but I don't. I feel so bad for Scott. Chris is the only one who has called to wish him Happy Birthday. The day isn't over yet, but it's not looking good as it's nearly 5pm. Well he has me, for what that's worth. And his friends, who are here.

Something's just got to change in our lives. I don't know how it's going to change as I don't know how to change it. One thing I can do, not that it would really matter or make a difference, is look at the stuff that is negative in a positive light, even though there isn't a positive light really. Have a fake happiness. But then that would be depressing once I stopped and thought about the fake happiness. So what's the point? There is none. The only real positive thing I have going in my life, well there are a few and I guess I take them for granted, but doesn't everyone? I'm not allowed the luxury to take the fact that I have benefits, a home, utilities, a car and such for granted. Yes, those are positive things, but you can't fool me. Most everyone has those things. Yeah, there are a few unfortunate ones who don't. And that's not even 1% of the population. That's really great news. I'm a step up from a street person. WOW now that's something to be excited about. I better be careful or God will take those things away from me too.

We didn't get to stay for the entire class last night or go today. I hadn't slept since Thursday morning and kept falling asleep and snoring in class, so we left at 7:30. Scott went and talked to the teacher. I really felt horrible anyway. I can't even remember much of yesterday because I was so tired. It really seems like yesterday was a week ago. My feet and legs, moreso the right, are very swollen. I was hoping they'd be down some after sleeping most of the night last night. I went to bed I think at midnight. I know I fell asleep sitting up at least before midnight because I was going to wait till 12:09 to wish Scott happy birthday last night, but I didn't make it. Then I guess I just woke up and got in the bed. Didn't think about it then :( We were waiting for his birth time. I'm such a loser. I wish "ME" would come back. I've been gone so long, I don't know who "ME" is.

I feel like I just go through the motions of life. That's all I really do. Eat and sleep because they have to be done. I wish I could feel good too. I know I've thrown myself into a flare of the fibro and cfs. I feel just horrible. I don't remember feeling this bad in a very long time. But that isnt' saying much I guess, since I don't have much of a memory. I could have felt this way a week ago and don't remember. Today is so depressing, it should be raining.

I learned this morning that Quincie is moving back to NC next month. We don't see each other often, but do talk on the phone. She actually has a life. It seems her ship came in. Mine never will.

Friday July 11, 08

It's a new day, some different chit and some of the same chit! I can't win for losing. I'm soooooooooooo tired. I didn't sleep again last night. I don't know why I'm so darn stupid. Things happen right under my nose and I don't pick up on them until after the fact. That's one thing I envied about Danny, he would pick up on things and sometimes before they even happened, he knew it was coming. I could always count on that with him. He could see stuff. You couldn't hide things from him. It was a great gift he had. I'm not saying he was Psychic, but something like that.

Last night while we were gone to the class, I told Colby and Sage they could stay here, but no one else was allowed to be here. Ashley and Krista had been here, they were told to leave. Well Ashley hung back for someone else to pick her up or something, we were in a hurry to leave. I should have known something was up with that. And in the back of my mind I knew it, but left it in the back of my mind. Something didn't sit right as far as Ashley was concerned. I just had a feeling, but anyway. We come home and Colby was in the shower and had the front door locked. Sage was gone, his Mom had come and got him. As far as I knew, the house was empty except for Colby. He and Sage had really cleaned house this time. It looked really good. They did this while I was gone last night.

Anyway, Colby and Scott stayed in Scott's room last night, which is kind of unusual. And Colby even went to sleep at around 11:30, which is also unusual. They stayed in Scott's room, didn't go out into the living room like they normally do. Well, at about 7:45 I went into Scott's room to see if he had any cigarettes in there as I ran out. lol And what do I find? Little Ms Ashley in the bed with Colby~! Oh pissed isn't a strong enough word to use. I want to call the police and let them take her out of here. I got Scott up as he's in my bed because his was too crowded. He hid this from me. I don't know what to do at this point. I don't want to cause her any trouble. Scott said her Mom kicked her out again. I asked why isn't she at her sisters. I'm not running a whore house here. This little girl is very free with herself sexually from what I hear. And I told Scott to get her up and get her out of here or I was going to. He went into the room, then came back out begging me to let her sleep for another hour and then she could get up and find another place to go. I just can't be a bad guy here. I know what it's like to have a bad home life. But at least when I left home at the age of 16, I was self supporting and never looked back. She doesn't even have a job. Please tell me what to do with her. I'm pretty mad, yet not mad enough to call the police on here. She and Colby didn't do anything according to Scott. Colby, I know for sure isn't interested in her that way. I don't know, maybe I'm fooling myself. Please don't call anyone yet, lets talk about this if that is what you are thinking of doing? Please? I don't have to be telling you this, but I don't know what to do, I just know that what is going on right now isn't right, morally or otherwise. There is just nothing right about it. It's not sitting right with my spirit, but I don't mind helping the girl, but she can't stay here. GRRRRRRRR what do I do?

Wednesday July 9, 08, continued

I'm just having a major breakdown today. The damn electric company is messing with me now. They say my bill was late last month and I can't remember why or if it really was. There is no reason for it to be. Who the hell knows. I sure don't. They took me off averaging and I can't be off averaging. I can't pay the big electric bills when I'm no on averaging. I can't take no more Tanja. If it's not one thing it's another. I'm so tired of life. I just can't take no more. I finally broke down into tears while on the phone with the electric company. They are having a supervisor call me back sometime today. I don't know what happened last month, I just don't have a clue. I'm so tired of them messing with me. They've been messing with someone on my bill for a friggin yr now and I'm tired of it. Either they drop my averaging or they change my due date and take off the extended due date I have set up. I just looked at my check register and it shows that I paid the bill on 6/5 and that was the due date. I paid through choice pay and they show I didn't pay it till the 6th.
I just can't take no more. I'm going to wind up having to get rid of my dogs and get an apartment and I can't live without bandit. I don't want to live without bandit and I don't know how well he'd do without me. When I leave he whines the entire time I'm gone. I just couldn't do that to him. I love that dog almost more than life. Smokie would do ok without me. He'd be sad but he'd get over it. I'm not so sure about Bandit. Why does life have to be so damned hard. I'm sick of it, I don't want to do this anymore. There is too much drama and too much pain, both emotional and physical. Too much to deal with for one person.

Wednesday July 9, 08

I'm pretty tired and fed up now. I finally got some sleep last night. I don't know how many hours, but it was more than 8. So that's a good thing. I feel like I'm among the living today. But it would be better not to be. I'm tired of dealing with all of this stuff in my life. Sick and tired. There is nothing that can help it I don't think, hope is gone. I just can't keep going through the motions of life anymore. I'm not getting anywhere. One step forward and 15 back. And nothing is getting resolved. I don't have the means to resolve many of the things in my life. And I sure as hell can't do it alone. I have no one who wants to help, I have no one to do any of it for me and I can't do it, so it just sits. I'm totally overwhelmed. Write it down? Why? It doesn't change anything. Everything is still here when I'm done writing, None of it goes away. It just seems fruitless. I want to go to church but I don't have the clothes to go. I have one skirt and no shirt to go with it, no shoes to wear to church. I'm just short of being a street person. Some of them have better clothes than I have. I wear the same few outfits all the time. This might be part of the reason I don't shower very often because I get tired of putting the same things on. Actually, I don't think that is the reason, I just don't feel like taking a shower and don't unless I have to go somewhere like to see a doc. I don't shower to go to the store. I shower when I have to and it's such a chore. I don't want to die, but at the same time, I wish God would just put me out of my misery. Scott would feel better too, because I wouldn't be bothering him by calling his name to do things for me anymore. I'm such a burden to him.

Colby and Sage walked to Shell a bit ago and got some eggs and bread. I made them all breakfast. I didn't have anything here to feed them and not much money left for the month so I'm afraid to spend any, even at the grocery store. I sure needed to lose that $30 I lost. It still hasn't turned up and won't. God is just making me live in what seems like hell before he casts me in the pit of fire. I think he takes great joy in making deals with satan and then sitting back and watching what takes place. They have me squirming I tell ya.

Why is it that others can get the medical care they need and get treatment. And I can't even find out what is wrong with me? God doesn't want me to have treatment because without his plan for me to burn in that pit of fire is closer and more apt to happen. My life is shit. And it always will be. Maybe I'll get lucky and just have a massive heart attack and it'll kill me instantly. One can only hope.

Tuesday July 8, 08

There are times that I wish I lived alone. Like now. I can't have anything with people living with me. There is so much distruction. Scott broke into my lock box yesterday while I was gone. Chris's rings are in there and I had wore one on my thumb for a while after he left, then finally put it up. Then Scott wanted to wear it so I let him. Well he left it on the microwave the other day so I took it and put back in the box so no one would take it. Figured if he was going to leave it laying around, someone would take it, like they took Chris's phone and blue tooth. Darn it all! I didn't give it back to him when he discovered it gone from the microwave. I figured I'd let him steam over it for a bit. I'll be damned if he didn't break into my box yesterday and get it out. I just hope he didn't take any of my pain pills. I don't count them since they are locked up. What do I need a vault at the bank to keep my stuff in? It appears so. This makes me so mad.

And I found out what happened to the eggs. I swear these kids have regressed to 5 yr olds. The other night they went and bought water baloons to throw at each other in the backyard, or so I thought. Come to find out later, they also had them in the house and the eggs were taken outside and thrown at Colby as he was on the roof. Scott claims none broke on the roof. Whatever! I don't believe that for a minute. lol He said they rolled back down to the ground and then broke. I'll have Tara go out later and see if there are egg shells all over the roof. I had looked in the backyard yesterday morning before leaving, when I let the dogs out and I think I'd have seen that many egg shells in the backyard. And IF they are on the roof, Mr. Colby gets to come over here and clean them off or who ever threw them up there which would be Jacob and the girls. Colby's Mom made him come home yesterday, he left about 3o mins before I got here. He's supposed to be back this morning, but Scott has sent him a text last night and told him that I said IF this house couldn't stay cleaned up, which they didn't get done yesterday, that I said he couldn't come over except a couple of times per week and spend the night only on the weekends. I told Scott I am fed up with my house looking like it does. We don't live like this and I won't allow others to live this way in MY home. They can just stay away. Colby makes the bulk of the messes because he's so hyper, he's always in to something. But once he gets started, the others, including Scott, seem to chime in and help. In Colby's defense, he says, "I clean it up". Yeah, he does, but it doesn't last more than 2 hrs if even that long. I'm not going to run around here and have to babysit 17 yr old kids. This is stupid and I'm not that stupid!

I think Mr. Scott can be grounded for a week for breaking into my box. That Is MINE. Oh that just makes me so mad. It's like he didn't think I'd notice. I noticed first off when I tried to open it this morning. It was hard to unlock, then you could see where he used the screw driver on it.

I remember Dr. Bag saying he didn't think I have PRIMARY PH, but there are others, there is secondary and Idiopathic. I had forgotten about that. I'm just grabbing at straws as I want a name for this and to know there is good treatment that will slow the progression. This is so very upsetting. I didn't sleep last night for fear of bleeding. I was afraid this clot would break free and I'd bleed to death. I'm such a hard sleeper, I wouldn't wake to moisture. Scott even stayed up from 2 to 4 so I could sleep for 2 hrs, just to watch me. He offered to stay up all night so I could sleep, but I couldn't do that to him. He needed to go to bed.

We'll see if Tara shows today. I'm going to call the company after she leaves today and request another Aide. I do like my nurse and don't want to lose her. So maybe instead of changing companies, I'll give one more Aide a chance. But then again, I've only had one really good Aide out of that company and that's out of about 10 of them. But I'm going to be very specific this time. I want a good Aide, I don't want a new hire. I want one who has been there for a while and that probably isn't a possibility because they have such a turn over. lol I might just have to change companies. Everytime I've had to have a new Aide, either because they quit or I got rid of them, they always send me the next one that is hired. I hate home health care and wish I didn't need it. It's just a pain in the butt and this is why I didn't take it for the first 2 yrs I was on Advantage. I didn't want to hassle with it and the very first person I was sent, didn't show or call. Then they talked me into trying another one, but this one was one who'd been there for a while and was really good. So I finally agreed. She had been on vacation when I started with them. Anyway, she started, actually showed up and I had her for the duration I was with that company, about 2-1/2 yrs I had her. I was with them 4-1/2 yrs. Then I moved to Yukon and that company didn't service Canadian County. I only had one nurse the entire time I was with them too.

My neck is pretty sore this morning. Matter of fact, it was very sore last night. One the numbing totally wore off, I felt it. It even hurts to swallow. That part is getting better, but last night it really hurt. I get to take this bandage off at noon or there about. I might even wait another day or till tonight. He said around noon I could take it off though. Rather be safe than sorry.

I guess this is pretty much all I have to say for now. I hope Tanja has that envelope with that money in it. If not, I've just lost it. I wasn't with my other papers from the hospital as that is how I was carrying it and it's not in my purse. I can't afford to lose that money. I'm broke as it is.

Monday July 7, 08

GRRRRRRRRRRRRR! I'm so upset with Colby and Scott. All of this has gotten to me now. I've been very patient, but today when I get home or when ever I get home, all hell is going to break loose. My house looks like HELL and I can't take it anymore. They do pick it up, but within a couple of hours it looks the same as it did before they picked up and I can't take this. My home doesn't look this way with just Scott and I here and I'm thinking I might have given them all the chances they need. IF I give them ONE more chance, it will be through Friday and that is giving them more than they deserve. IF it can't be kept clean, I mean NO clutter at ALL, then Colby will be sent home and only be allowed to come over a couple of days per week and spending the night will be limited to the weekends. If Scott wants to go over there, more power to him, but his parents won't allow any spending the night during the week as his Dad has to get up at 4:30 every morning. So their behavior will NOT be tolerated over there and why I've tolerated it this long, I don't have a clue. I'm just an idiot.

Another thing I'm pissed about is Colby is VERY wasteful. I had part of a 18 ct carton of eggs and bought another one the other night. All that is left TOTAL is ONE egg. I bought a big bottle of Dawn the other night and a 1/4 of it is GONE. I don't know what he does with this stuff. He went through an entire box of dishwasher soap last week and now I've bought a bottle of liquid. A box usually lasts us a month and a 1/2. He is always running the dishwasher and the washing machine. I know they aren't full loads and that is going to raise all of my utilities. So, I'm definitely going to sit him down and have a talk about this. We don't waste things around here. Not only because we can't afford to, but because of the enviornment and the economy. I try to save. I have a hard enough time fighting Scott on this, I'm not going to fight two of them. Those days for me are gone, as Chris doesn't live here anymore.

So this is why I'm in a not so good mood. Ok, I've gotten this off my chest for now. Tanja will be here soon, so I need to make sure I've got everything. I think I do. But last minute, I always forget something. I have my meds for the day and my list of questions. I don't think there is anything else I need. And I have a shot for after I eat.

Sunday July 6, 08

Today has been a pretty peaceful day. I've been exhausted though. I've only had 9 hrs sleep in 3 days. No naps either. I'm going to take a Trazodone in 5 minutes and go to bed at 8 so I can get up at 4:30. I don't want to go to bed that early though. I hate sleeping that much, but it's to the point that I've got to get a good nights sleep. I was a little edgy today. So that's my clue that I need some sleep. Not to mention the pain is much worse and the fatigue.

Colby continues to work around here. He cleaned the kitchen up this morning and the living room. He even got up on the roof and trimmed the tree in the back yard. Got all the limbs off of the new roof. I'm sure Linda would appreciate that. It's our job to maintain the trees anyway. And he's just checked out my fan here in the office, he's going to take it apart and clean it too. Tomorrow while I'm gone, he and Scott are going to bomb the house for fleas and treat the back yard, then they'll bathe the dogs and hopefully this will rid the fleas once and for all. I usually start treating the yard in Feb, but this year, we didn't get the stuff down the first time until May 1. Just 3 months late and by then we already had fleas and ticks. No ticks now though, just the irritating fleas. I hate fleas. I hate them being on my babies too. Poor things :(

I'm ready for the heart cath. I am getting a bit anxious. I want to know numbers and what he's going to do for my treatment and I'm not leaving tomorrow without those things. I want to also know WHEN the treatment will be started. I want this done NOW, not three months from now. This has all taken WAY too long in my book. I saw him for the first time 4 months ago and this is only as far as we've gotten? That's a bit ridiculous I think. And I will probably tell him so tomorrow. I know it's not completely his fault, but I do feel he should know a bit more about what is going on with his office staff and the flow of things in his office. His patients shouldn't be allowed to fall through the cracks as I've been allowed to do. I could just drop him and there would be no follow up with me to find out why. They'd probably just assume that I had gone to a different doctor. Let's not consider that I could have died or something like that, due to them dragging their feet. I'm still upset with his office staff and I'm trying not to let it overflow onto him and my feelings toward him. I don't want to go to the doc at OU if I don't have to. I think I'd just about totally give up if I had to go there. And just forget I've got PH. So you can see how upset I am over all of this. There is just no valid excuse for this all to take this long. And he only has 40 of us PH patients. I hear other specialists have over 100 PH patients. OMGosh what would Dr. Bag do with that many when he can't even manage the ones he has? Some would surely die.