Ugh!! I'm not feeling so well today. Scott's working and I sure wish he were here and could help get some things done. Well, I couldn't do anything today. I'm hoping that if I rest all day today that maybe I can get some stuff done tomorrow. This house is the pits and I know that Lori won't hardly get anything done on Tuesday. Gee, it would take her 4 hrs just to clean the kitchen. She's as slow as a snail. I just pray that I get a good one this time that will stick around for a while. I guess I've gotten so used to having different Aides, it doesn't bother me much anymore to keep changing. So, as long as they keep them coming, lol I guess I'm ok. But it'd sure be nice to have one that would stick around for a few yrs. Even 6 months would give me a break. I sure miss Nancy. My house was always spotless when she was here. She cleaned like I used to. Her and I still talk. I think she is coming close to a divorce and I'm so glad. She deserves much better than what she has. He's a prime A jerk! He's moving her to ILL. now. He just moved her to TX a few months ago. I've offered to let her stay here if she wants to live in the City or Yukon, until she gets on her feet. Her parents are in Enid and her daughter, but there isn't much of a job market in Enid. I don't know what she'll do, but I hope something happens soon. I hate to see her unhappy.
Ok, back to how I'm feeling. My legs and other parts hurt really bad again today. Except my back is going nuts today along with my legs :( I am weak and feel like I don't have enough blood flow in my legs. That's the only way I can describe the way they feel. Or they lack oxygen, something, but they just feel sick today. I'm not so sure that I could even stand long enough to do the dishes if the dishwasher were unloaded. That is one thing I can't do, is unload the dishwasher. I would attempt to clean the kitchen if it were unloaded. But Scott didn't get home until 9 last night, then he was too tired to do anything. He did take me to Buy 4 Less so I could get the dogs some food and some bread. It was great that he worked yesterday, we sure needed the money.
Since he's at work, I have to go to Manna Pantry by myself tonight. I don't think I can pull this off. I could probably make it to get the food, they do all the work. But there is no way I can bring it in the house and he won't be home till around 8, so this stuff can't sit in the car that long. There will be frozen stuff and it's too heavy for me to carry. So, I might have to put off going there until Wednesday. I think we might be ok if I do that. I think!
Anyway, it's going to be another peaceful day. I just hope Scott comes home in a better mood tonight than he did last night. He was a bear last night. Really put me in a bad mood. And I hope the dogs don't bug me to go in and out too much today. I need to just let my legs rest.
Well, I guess that's it for now.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Wednesday August 27, 08
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I could spit nails right now. Why does Scott keep doing this shit to me? I told this damn friend of his I don't want him back at my home. He came here yesterday and Scott brought him in. And he's here again today. Scott says "I live here too". I told this friggin brat that I PAY THE DAMN BILLS here and I SAY WHO COMES HERE AND WHO DOESN'T. I get so sick of him disrespecting me. This kid calls today as he's in our front yard. I yell and Scott as he's asking me if he can come in for a while, telling him NO I said he CANNOT come back to my house. He brings the friggin kid in anyway. NOW HOW FUCKING DISRESPECTFUL IS THAT. AND IT'S TEACHING THIS KID HE CAN DISRESPECT ME TOO. I'M SHIT.GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRWHAT i SAY MEANS NOTHING. I HATE MY FUCKING LIFE. AND I'M SUPPOSED TO GET RID OF ANGER? HOW THE FUCK CAN I? HE MAKES ME FUCKING CRAZY. WHY THE HELL I EVER THOUGHT OF HAVING FUCKING KIDS IS BEYOND ME. I WISH I HAD HAVE STOPPED AT ONE
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Sunday August 24, '08
Well, it's been awhile since I've written. I guess it's about time to do so! One thing I keep forgetting to mention in the blog and to Tanja is that someone from Adult Protective Services came out the other day. I wasn't expecting that, so I told the lady, without opening the door, that Tommie wasn't here. I guess this would work something like a child abuse case? I'm not sure. I don't really want Scott hauled off, but I'm just afraid of what will happen. She also mailed me a letter following her visit and neesd to visit with me. She left her business card the day she came. I do want to see her, I'd like to have them as a recourse for when he pulls his crap again. OR they may have us do some kind of class? I don't know what they'll do and that is what scares me. Scott's not worried about it. I told him about it and told him to try and scare him that all I have to do is make the phone call and they'll come haul his butt off. It didn't phase him. Or at least it didn't seem to. He wouldn't show his fear to me anyway. I don't know what to do. Hoping Tanja can advise me what to do.
Everything has been going ok. He still won't do anything at all that I ask him to, or not much of it anyway. He will let the dogs out and that's about it. I think he did make the tea once when I told him to. I'm hurting really bad today and asked him to make us some scrambled eggs. He wouldn't do it, told me to go make myself some. He is such a friggin ass. I just can't stand him sometimes. Actually every time I tell or ask him to do something and he gets his attitude going. That's when I can't stand him and it's every day just about. I guess, I could make things easier and never tell or ask him to do anything. I don't know why I'm such a damn push over. I'll let him drive when he gets his license, which could be tomorrow. I need to not let him drive my car at ALL until he learns how to treat me properly. But I'm too stupid for that.
Chris IS going to Afghanastan in November and that scares the hell out of me. I'm so afraid of losing him. I'll be on pins and needles the entire time he is gone. When I see him next month, it will be the last time for at least 13 months. I just don't know what I'll do with him over there. I might need MORE Xanax, or someone to just knock me out until he returns. I don't want him to go. It's just not fair. He hasn't lived his life yet or not much of it anyway. My gosh, he is ONLY 21 and these other young men and women they are sending over there to the firing line. WAR SUCKS. I HATE IT. I can't believe he has done this to himself and everyone who loves him. To put us under this kind of worry. OMG if he doesn't come back alive, you'll have to put me away. This War has GOT to END, NOW. All of these kids need to be able to come home now. And not in body bags. I hate violence. Never have liked it.
Ok, I've got to get off this subject and my mind off it.
Everything has been going ok. He still won't do anything at all that I ask him to, or not much of it anyway. He will let the dogs out and that's about it. I think he did make the tea once when I told him to. I'm hurting really bad today and asked him to make us some scrambled eggs. He wouldn't do it, told me to go make myself some. He is such a friggin ass. I just can't stand him sometimes. Actually every time I tell or ask him to do something and he gets his attitude going. That's when I can't stand him and it's every day just about. I guess, I could make things easier and never tell or ask him to do anything. I don't know why I'm such a damn push over. I'll let him drive when he gets his license, which could be tomorrow. I need to not let him drive my car at ALL until he learns how to treat me properly. But I'm too stupid for that.
Chris IS going to Afghanastan in November and that scares the hell out of me. I'm so afraid of losing him. I'll be on pins and needles the entire time he is gone. When I see him next month, it will be the last time for at least 13 months. I just don't know what I'll do with him over there. I might need MORE Xanax, or someone to just knock me out until he returns. I don't want him to go. It's just not fair. He hasn't lived his life yet or not much of it anyway. My gosh, he is ONLY 21 and these other young men and women they are sending over there to the firing line. WAR SUCKS. I HATE IT. I can't believe he has done this to himself and everyone who loves him. To put us under this kind of worry. OMG if he doesn't come back alive, you'll have to put me away. This War has GOT to END, NOW. All of these kids need to be able to come home now. And not in body bags. I hate violence. Never have liked it.
Ok, I've got to get off this subject and my mind off it.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Friday August 15, 08
I'm bored stiff today. I don't know why. Today is no different than any other day. I'm just bored. I find myself wanting to visit with someone, anyone. lol Just anything to keep from being bored. I don't feel like dealing with medical stuff though. I do have things I could and should be doing, but don't wanna do any of them. They just aren't appealing! Ever have those days? I'm sure your life is too hectic for you to ever really get bored.
Colby has gone out with some friends. Scott is home not feeling well. He has a sore throat and made me take him to the ER this morning. He just knew he was dying and I couldn't convince him otherwise. In trying to, he accused me of just not caring. lol Little chit! So I took him and we were there all of 15 whole minutes. He just has sinus drainage that is causing his throat to hurt when he swallows and he just knew he was dying. So I appeased him. We checked in at 8:10 and left at 8:25, lol included everything.
I'm fighting with quitting smoking. It's a great battle for me. I've had lots of thoughts about it even down to thinking that it would be a great thing for my boys to feel and say "Mom picked smoking over living longer and being with us", after I die. That would be a fine thing for them to have to say when I die, huh? Then I think about the fact that much of what I have is self inflicted. And that one truly SUCKS! It all comes from me not living a healthy life style. Now the fibro and cfs are the only things just about that I can say I didn't bring on myself. Most everything else is my own fault and let me tell you, this is very hard to face and deal with. And I guess I think so little of myself that I haven't cared enough to take care of me. And then to think that many of the things that I bitch about not being able to do, I might be able to do if I'd quit smoking and lose weight. I'm sure it would give me a better quality of life. But I guess I just want someone to do it for me and they can't. *I* have to do this and I don't want to be deprived. But on the other hand, the things I'd be deprived of would give me greater benefits in life. How stupid can I be? Someone just needs to take me outback and shoot me?
There has got to be a reason why I'm this way? If I could just find that, maybe it would help me do what I need to do, but the clock is ticking and I don't have time to mess around. I've waited now till there is permanent damage to my lungs and heart. None of it can be reversed, but could be made better. If I were needing to do this for someone else's body, I bet I could do it much easier. Why can't I do it for my own? Do I not feel worthy? I know apart of me doesn't feel worthy because no one else cares enough so it seems. Or maybe I've just driven them all off with my anger. I know I drove Donna off with my anger. But I thought sisters were supposed to love unconditionally? I guess I was wrong there.
Charlotte, my sister who died in June helped me to quit smoking back in 1999. I was in the hospital and was to come home with oxygen due to the congestive heart failure. I talked to her on the phone as I knew I had to quit smoking, even though I didn't want to. I had her to tell me all the ugly things about smoking cigarettes and how I would die. As she was a nurse and knew all of the medical stuff. I'm sure to a point she made things sound worse than they were, but I cried on the phone, got angry, let it all out and I quit. I quit for 7 months. Funny thing is, I started back up with her. lol She was visiting my home 7 months later and we'd gone out on the balcony for her to smoke, it didn't bother me. But just out of curiosity, I asked for a drag off her cig just to see what it was like, if it would make me dizzy or what ever. BIG mistake, HUGE. Next thing, I smoked a whole cig, then another and then the next day I bought a pack. I was back to smoking again. I can still kick my own butt for doing that. If I could just have the determination I had back then. I just don't have a lot of hope I guess. And as for losing the weight. I know I'm going to have hanging bags of skin afterwards and that will just totally gross me out. I have no way of paying to have it surgically removed AND I don't know if my health would even allow me to make it through a surgery like that. I probably wouldn't even be able to find a surgeon who'd do it since it was a life threatening surgery that was needed to save my life, is what I mean.
I know for sure quitting smoking would make me feel better and I could breathe better. Two years ago I tried to quit and I had made it through 3-4 days, I could walk better, my breathing was better. I felt lighter on my feet because I could breathe. You'd think with just that right there, I would have stayed off of them, but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I'm too friggin STUPID.
Am I subconsciously making myself suffer for some reason? I wish the heck I knew WHY I do what I do. Can someone please tell me? Maybe it would help me to STOP beating myself up both on the inside and out.
Everything Dr. Dennis said the other day is so true and I know it. I've known about everything he said for a long time. So WHY can't I do what I NEED to do? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?
I sit here as I type this SMOKING...........STUPID STUPID STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!
Colby has gone out with some friends. Scott is home not feeling well. He has a sore throat and made me take him to the ER this morning. He just knew he was dying and I couldn't convince him otherwise. In trying to, he accused me of just not caring. lol Little chit! So I took him and we were there all of 15 whole minutes. He just has sinus drainage that is causing his throat to hurt when he swallows and he just knew he was dying. So I appeased him. We checked in at 8:10 and left at 8:25, lol included everything.
I'm fighting with quitting smoking. It's a great battle for me. I've had lots of thoughts about it even down to thinking that it would be a great thing for my boys to feel and say "Mom picked smoking over living longer and being with us", after I die. That would be a fine thing for them to have to say when I die, huh? Then I think about the fact that much of what I have is self inflicted. And that one truly SUCKS! It all comes from me not living a healthy life style. Now the fibro and cfs are the only things just about that I can say I didn't bring on myself. Most everything else is my own fault and let me tell you, this is very hard to face and deal with. And I guess I think so little of myself that I haven't cared enough to take care of me. And then to think that many of the things that I bitch about not being able to do, I might be able to do if I'd quit smoking and lose weight. I'm sure it would give me a better quality of life. But I guess I just want someone to do it for me and they can't. *I* have to do this and I don't want to be deprived. But on the other hand, the things I'd be deprived of would give me greater benefits in life. How stupid can I be? Someone just needs to take me outback and shoot me?
There has got to be a reason why I'm this way? If I could just find that, maybe it would help me do what I need to do, but the clock is ticking and I don't have time to mess around. I've waited now till there is permanent damage to my lungs and heart. None of it can be reversed, but could be made better. If I were needing to do this for someone else's body, I bet I could do it much easier. Why can't I do it for my own? Do I not feel worthy? I know apart of me doesn't feel worthy because no one else cares enough so it seems. Or maybe I've just driven them all off with my anger. I know I drove Donna off with my anger. But I thought sisters were supposed to love unconditionally? I guess I was wrong there.
Charlotte, my sister who died in June helped me to quit smoking back in 1999. I was in the hospital and was to come home with oxygen due to the congestive heart failure. I talked to her on the phone as I knew I had to quit smoking, even though I didn't want to. I had her to tell me all the ugly things about smoking cigarettes and how I would die. As she was a nurse and knew all of the medical stuff. I'm sure to a point she made things sound worse than they were, but I cried on the phone, got angry, let it all out and I quit. I quit for 7 months. Funny thing is, I started back up with her. lol She was visiting my home 7 months later and we'd gone out on the balcony for her to smoke, it didn't bother me. But just out of curiosity, I asked for a drag off her cig just to see what it was like, if it would make me dizzy or what ever. BIG mistake, HUGE. Next thing, I smoked a whole cig, then another and then the next day I bought a pack. I was back to smoking again. I can still kick my own butt for doing that. If I could just have the determination I had back then. I just don't have a lot of hope I guess. And as for losing the weight. I know I'm going to have hanging bags of skin afterwards and that will just totally gross me out. I have no way of paying to have it surgically removed AND I don't know if my health would even allow me to make it through a surgery like that. I probably wouldn't even be able to find a surgeon who'd do it since it was a life threatening surgery that was needed to save my life, is what I mean.
I know for sure quitting smoking would make me feel better and I could breathe better. Two years ago I tried to quit and I had made it through 3-4 days, I could walk better, my breathing was better. I felt lighter on my feet because I could breathe. You'd think with just that right there, I would have stayed off of them, but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I'm too friggin STUPID.
Am I subconsciously making myself suffer for some reason? I wish the heck I knew WHY I do what I do. Can someone please tell me? Maybe it would help me to STOP beating myself up both on the inside and out.
Everything Dr. Dennis said the other day is so true and I know it. I've known about everything he said for a long time. So WHY can't I do what I NEED to do? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?
I sit here as I type this SMOKING...........STUPID STUPID STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Thursday August 14, 08
I'm being lazy! This is an email I wrote to a friend this morning. It has so much in it about what I'm going through right now, I thought I'd use it to start today's Journal.
No, I'm not suicidal. What I mean by giving up and just not taking care of my healthcare the way I should be and the way I used to. I'm just tired. And I have so much work to do, I don't know how I'll do it. I've allowed my healthcare to get way out of hand and I don't know what to do to bring it back. It seems everything requires my urgent attention and I don't have the energy to give everything the immediate attention so I'll have to take one thing at a time, but I don't know what to start with first. Well, actually I do know, but it's not something I really want to do. I harbor a lot of anger because I'm sick Chelle. I've been sick for 13 yrs and it just keeps getting worse. It appears that doctors kind of work like God, they don't like to and won't help someone who won't help themselves. And that's me. I'm not helping myself. I don't take my meds like I should. The only meds I do take right are the pain meds because there is immediate relief. With everything else, it's maintenance, so there is no "immediate" affect. The shrink counted 32 different meds on my list yesterday. My first dose, not including pain meds, consists of 15 pills and a shot. Then when I eat, that's another shot. Then there's the pain pills in the morning and 2 inhalants. Plus the stuff I put in my coffee for constipation from the Morphine, then the Potassium I have to drink because the Lasix depletes my Potassium and that stuff tastes like shit. This is just the morning. Then I have to drink or am supposed to drink the Potassium 2 other times per day, so what do I do, I just don't take the Lasix every day. And in not taking it I have fluid build up around my heart and lungs and other places. But I take it enough to keep me out of the hospital. When I take the Lasix, I'm chained to the friggin bathroom for about 6 hrs. Despite being on 4 diff. BP meds, my BP remains high. I don't feel that I'm getting the care I need from my doctors and it's all because I'm not doing my part. Everything my shrink said yesterday is gospel. It's all true, every word of it. My anger is so that I drive people away from me and have driven everyone who was once in my life away.
On top of the things I have listed in my signature on every email, I also have Congestive Heart Failure, COPD (well I've been told I have it and then I've been told by another doc that I don't) so I don't know for sure., I also have Spinal Stenosis in my neck and back, Degenerative Disk Disease, OsteoArthritis, GERD, Hypothyroidism, Asthma, Panic/Anxiety Disorder, Depression, and I think that is the end of the list. That is SEVENTEEN different chronic illnesses.
I do not manage my diabetes well, I weigh 292 lbs. So see, I don't take care of myself. My thinking that "I can still smoke and eat" are going to kill me! I've lost so much of what I used to be able to do in life, I just don't want to give those things up, but I have to and I hate to have to do anything I don't want to do. I'm a stubborn mule. Very rebellious and I'm only hurting ME. My shrink yesterday told me I'm my worst enemy, we all are our worst! Everything he told me, I already knew, but it was a slap in the face to hear it spoken by someone who had just seen me one time before. I could see right through me.
So, I'm really going through a difficult time right now and when I get like this, I close up and off. I have lots of decisions to make and lots of anger to work through. I've never been an angry person until I got sick and my own body defeated me. I feel so trapped by my own body. I HATE LIFE, but on the other hand I love life. I don't want to die, but I'm committing a slow suicide by not doing what I should be doing. I eat what ever I want being diabetic even and just take a shot. But I don't take them like I should, so my sugars stay higher than they should and that causes kidney and heart damage as well as damage to other organs and tissues. But I'm so friggin stupid to do what I should be doing.
Anyway, I'm being interrupted to go take these boys to the movie and drop them off. I'll write more later.
No, I'm not suicidal. What I mean by giving up and just not taking care of my healthcare the way I should be and the way I used to. I'm just tired. And I have so much work to do, I don't know how I'll do it. I've allowed my healthcare to get way out of hand and I don't know what to do to bring it back. It seems everything requires my urgent attention and I don't have the energy to give everything the immediate attention so I'll have to take one thing at a time, but I don't know what to start with first. Well, actually I do know, but it's not something I really want to do. I harbor a lot of anger because I'm sick Chelle. I've been sick for 13 yrs and it just keeps getting worse. It appears that doctors kind of work like God, they don't like to and won't help someone who won't help themselves. And that's me. I'm not helping myself. I don't take my meds like I should. The only meds I do take right are the pain meds because there is immediate relief. With everything else, it's maintenance, so there is no "immediate" affect. The shrink counted 32 different meds on my list yesterday. My first dose, not including pain meds, consists of 15 pills and a shot. Then when I eat, that's another shot. Then there's the pain pills in the morning and 2 inhalants. Plus the stuff I put in my coffee for constipation from the Morphine, then the Potassium I have to drink because the Lasix depletes my Potassium and that stuff tastes like shit. This is just the morning. Then I have to drink or am supposed to drink the Potassium 2 other times per day, so what do I do, I just don't take the Lasix every day. And in not taking it I have fluid build up around my heart and lungs and other places. But I take it enough to keep me out of the hospital. When I take the Lasix, I'm chained to the friggin bathroom for about 6 hrs. Despite being on 4 diff. BP meds, my BP remains high. I don't feel that I'm getting the care I need from my doctors and it's all because I'm not doing my part. Everything my shrink said yesterday is gospel. It's all true, every word of it. My anger is so that I drive people away from me and have driven everyone who was once in my life away.
On top of the things I have listed in my signature on every email, I also have Congestive Heart Failure, COPD (well I've been told I have it and then I've been told by another doc that I don't) so I don't know for sure., I also have Spinal Stenosis in my neck and back, Degenerative Disk Disease, OsteoArthritis, GERD, Hypothyroidism, Asthma, Panic/Anxiety Disorder, Depression, and I think that is the end of the list. That is SEVENTEEN different chronic illnesses.
I do not manage my diabetes well, I weigh 292 lbs. So see, I don't take care of myself. My thinking that "I can still smoke and eat" are going to kill me! I've lost so much of what I used to be able to do in life, I just don't want to give those things up, but I have to and I hate to have to do anything I don't want to do. I'm a stubborn mule. Very rebellious and I'm only hurting ME. My shrink yesterday told me I'm my worst enemy, we all are our worst! Everything he told me, I already knew, but it was a slap in the face to hear it spoken by someone who had just seen me one time before. I could see right through me.
So, I'm really going through a difficult time right now and when I get like this, I close up and off. I have lots of decisions to make and lots of anger to work through. I've never been an angry person until I got sick and my own body defeated me. I feel so trapped by my own body. I HATE LIFE, but on the other hand I love life. I don't want to die, but I'm committing a slow suicide by not doing what I should be doing. I eat what ever I want being diabetic even and just take a shot. But I don't take them like I should, so my sugars stay higher than they should and that causes kidney and heart damage as well as damage to other organs and tissues. But I'm so friggin stupid to do what I should be doing.
Anyway, I'm being interrupted to go take these boys to the movie and drop them off. I'll write more later.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Monday July 4, 08
Hope today is better than yesterday all the way around. Yesterday was a very horrible day all the way till the end. I was in excruciating pain all day. I think I took a total of 9 of my short acting pills. I have NEVER had to do that before. It's the high pressure we are under that is causing the excessive heat. Well, that really increases my pain and that pressure is really bad right now. We won't get a break from it till later this week. I'm pretty painful this morning, but not as bad as I was yesterday morning. I just got up a few min.'s ago, so we'll see how bad it gets. Plus, I feel it will be worse today as I did something yesterday that I'm going to pay a very high price for. It's been a long, long time since I've been to the Dollar Tree or Dollar General. I wanted to go to Dollar General to get my cleaning stuff and paper goods, also so I could buy some dish clothes and bath clothes, or rags. Dollar General isn't very big at all, but OMG the store was HUGE for me. I had to go all the way to the back of course, everything I needed was in the far back corner. I like to have not made it back to the front of the store. I was practically laying on the shopping cart to get back and wasn't able to look for the rags. And I needed them so very badly, I had the clerk to wave Scott inside the store as I didn't have my phone with me. So, I sent him to the back of the store, or almost to the back to get the rags. The clerk told him about where they were. I comes back empty handed, couldn't find them. So the other clerk told him exactly where they were as she was checking out customers too. Once again, he comes back empty handed and this time he commented that he felt so stupid. lol I said "you should" since you can't find the rags. Scott never can find anything, I do mean never. He won't move anything to look and if it doesn't jump out in front of him, he can't find it. Typical male. So this made him upset. He was driving. He got us home safely and without speeding but turned corners hastily. Otherwise the trip home was ok. Then all hell broke loose when we got home. He told me that I need to stop acting like a bitch. To me that is calling me a bitch. Really upset me. I was in such pain after the store and short of breath. Not in very good shape at all. I had asked him to heat me up some soup. I wasn't cooking dinner as I had also cleaned the nasty kitchen yesterday, which took me the better part of the day. My legs are pretty sore this morning and will only get worse as the day goes on. As I'm not accustomed to walking like that, for that long or that far. But, I just had to go in there. I had to have that stuff so the Aide would have something to clean with today when she comes.
Anyway, back to Scott and our blow up. Things got really heated and I was bad, very bad. I called him a Prick, or told him to stop acting like one. He managed to keep his cool and not damage anything. I wound up calling the police because I grounded him and he was leaving with Sage anyway he said. I had told him Sage needed to go home. The cop was of no help at all. Which, really, what could he do? Nothing much I guess. The cops in the past that have come out have at least had a very stern talk with Scott. Not this one. As a matter of fact before he left, he said "Don't call us anymore unless there is a crime". I retorted, I won't ever call you again for anything. I HATE Yukon Cops. They suck. He argued with me over the judge wanting to put me in jail back in Feb. He was a real asshole. I hate men! I honestly do.
So, it turned out that Scott left with Sage, ignoring the grounding all together and they left. Sages Mom came and got them and he's gone. I don't know when he'll be home and I don't care if he comes back.
I really need to do as Karen had once told me to do and move toward getting this house cleaned out and getting rid of a bunch of stuff, then finding a little one bedroom place for me to live. To be prepared for when Scott moves out so I'm not left sitting having to pay all of this. There is no way I can pay it on my income alone, we know this. I will have to move to OKC or Bethany to find something cheap enough for me to live. I don't know what to do, but that does seem like the right thing to do. Not that it is, it just seems like it. I will find a new home for Smokie and Precious. I've got to be able to keep Bandit, but I'm not sure how that will go over. I just can't bare the thought of giving him up :( We'll see, I'm not going to make any hasty decisions. But I have to put some kind of plan in motion.
I'm still not sleeping and I'd almost bet that the Celexa is causing it or playing a role in me not being able to sleep. I didn't even lay in the bed this morning until way after 6am. I kept nodding off sitting on the bed, but didn't lay down until then. And then I only slept 2 hrs, split up.
Anyway, back to Scott and our blow up. Things got really heated and I was bad, very bad. I called him a Prick, or told him to stop acting like one. He managed to keep his cool and not damage anything. I wound up calling the police because I grounded him and he was leaving with Sage anyway he said. I had told him Sage needed to go home. The cop was of no help at all. Which, really, what could he do? Nothing much I guess. The cops in the past that have come out have at least had a very stern talk with Scott. Not this one. As a matter of fact before he left, he said "Don't call us anymore unless there is a crime". I retorted, I won't ever call you again for anything. I HATE Yukon Cops. They suck. He argued with me over the judge wanting to put me in jail back in Feb. He was a real asshole. I hate men! I honestly do.
So, it turned out that Scott left with Sage, ignoring the grounding all together and they left. Sages Mom came and got them and he's gone. I don't know when he'll be home and I don't care if he comes back.
I really need to do as Karen had once told me to do and move toward getting this house cleaned out and getting rid of a bunch of stuff, then finding a little one bedroom place for me to live. To be prepared for when Scott moves out so I'm not left sitting having to pay all of this. There is no way I can pay it on my income alone, we know this. I will have to move to OKC or Bethany to find something cheap enough for me to live. I don't know what to do, but that does seem like the right thing to do. Not that it is, it just seems like it. I will find a new home for Smokie and Precious. I've got to be able to keep Bandit, but I'm not sure how that will go over. I just can't bare the thought of giving him up :( We'll see, I'm not going to make any hasty decisions. But I have to put some kind of plan in motion.
I'm still not sleeping and I'd almost bet that the Celexa is causing it or playing a role in me not being able to sleep. I didn't even lay in the bed this morning until way after 6am. I kept nodding off sitting on the bed, but didn't lay down until then. And then I only slept 2 hrs, split up.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Saturday August 2, 08, Con't
I had gotten a payday loan from online, in which I had to give them my account number or order for them to deposit the money into my account. I was to pay them monthly, but my calling or paying online. I wasn't able to make the first payment on time, so they debited my account causing $70 in insufficient fund charges and I called my bank about this and told them that I did NOT authorize them to debit my account and he said that since I took out the loan and gave them my account number that they could do what ever they wanted to. I DID NOT authorize them to debit money from my account. So I asked him if I had a car loan, which I do and I have at one time or another paid them with my debit card over the phone and then later defaulted on the loan, could they debit my account for payment without me authorizing it? He said YES. I then asked if they could do so without court order and he said yes. So I guess if ANYone has your checking account number they can take money out of your account with no proof that you authorized them to or not, just because they have the account number. Is that not ABSURD or what?
Gee I spell better when I'm mad. lol No misspelled words here at all. lol Well except it didn't like the ANYone!!
Gee I spell better when I'm mad. lol No misspelled words here at all. lol Well except it didn't like the ANYone!!
Saturyday August 2, 08
Well, my checking account is now over drawn by $832. I'm so very confused and upset, I don't know what to do and the bank isn't helping. I'm on the phone with them and they are about to drive me insane. I've not authorized anyone to take the money out of my account that has been attempted and I'm getting charged $35 each time they attempt it and it's added up now to 832.00. And then what ever else that has caused all of this I don't know. I need help and I don't know where to get it. They won't close this account until it's at a zero balance. And I don't have 832.00. I'm about to cry, this is so upsetting. I've never had this many problems with my account and then also someone's been trying to take money from my savings account as it's over drawn by 2 over draft fees but it doesn't say he tried to take the money. They say I have to call the research dept on monday and have them research to find out why my savings account is OD. I'm so upset, I don't know what to do. I feel my brain is really going Tanja and I'm kind of scared. Can a person be so boggled down with stress this is what happens to them? I can't have my brain going out on me too. I'd just a soon be dead then to have it go out too. It's bad enough my body is going out and I can't deal with it if I don't have a brain too.
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