Wednesday July 30, 08

Today is Billy's 49th birthday! I can't believe we are as old as we are. I just wish he were still alive. I do think of him often, but have really gotten over the hurt of his death. But I'll never stop missing him. And will always hold him close to my heart. And I think this has a tad to do with why I'm so close to Chris, he reminds me so much of Billy. His mannerisms are the same, his smile. As a matter of fact, I identified him in the group picture of his platoon by his mouth. He has Billy's mouth. He has Billy's laugh too.

I really think I've given up on the PH stuff. I learned from someone at the PH Group I'm a member of, just yesterday, that there is really no treatment for secondary PH. It's a matter of finding what is causing it and treating that. I just can't go through all of this alone and I won't. I will just let it run it's course. Nothing in my life has ever been easy, I don't know why I thought things would be with this. So, when ever God wants to take me, I'm ready. I just can't deal with all of this anymore. These docs don't really seem to know what they are doing in my case and that I just can't bare. I was supposed to have gone to the lab on the 14th and 21st for Dr. Bag due to this new med he put me on. I haven't been yet. And I can go right here in Yukon. I just don't want to take the time to do it, so I haven't. I just have no desire to be involved in all of this crap anymore. And when a doctor shows little interest then I do too. It's like it's no big deal, the way they are handling it anyway. So why should I get all worked up over nothing? And they treat it that way because they don't know what to do. I do want to get off some of this medicine. And I will eventually find a Internal Med doc who will take me on. It's hard to even find a new PCP. When Dr. McCurdy closed his practice, Donna and I called several Dr's offices before we found one who would even take me with the general chronic illnesses, not to mention the pain. We couldn't find one to treat my pain. It had to be a pain management specialist. I'm so tired of fighting all of this alone. And Scott is getting ready to start school and I won't even have him anymore to help me get to the Dr. Then I will feel even more alone.

I'm very tempted to tell Peggy that I'm sorry, I just can't help her with Bill. I can't handle my own stuff, why should I do that?

Well, this is pretty much what I had to say in reference to the email I sent to you earlier. It's not really that I don't care. It's that the Dr's don't really care, so why should I? Why should I fight, when I need them to fight with me and they aren't willing to fight. They have other easier things to focus on. I'm just a problem child. Always have been. So, I'll get by the best I can on what I have and see where it takes me. Yes, I'd love to have a better quality of life and live longer, but that doesn't seem to be a part of my future.

Monday July 28, 08

This weekend wasn't too bad. It was hotter than hell though! I just stayed in out of it for the most part. The boys and I went to Walmart at 3 this morning. It sure was nice out then. I wish it were like that in the day time and it wasn't even humid. It was perfect! I could have stayed out if the town wasn't all rolled up and put away!
I know I shouldn't have been up so late, but actually I slept during the evening, from 6-9. Then went back to bed before 10:30 to wake up at 12:30am. Darn Bandit woke me up at 9, got back to sleep and Scott then wakes me up too. I might have slept all night if they'd have left me alone. I hate that! I was sleeping so good! Anyway, when I woke up at 12:30, Scott and Colby were still out. They had walked to Walmart earlier and gone to Jacob's too. Jacob went with them to Walmart as well. They were supposed to have brought back a couple of items, but didn't. That's why I went ahead and went at 3am. We were totally out of toilet paper. Gotta have that stuff. lol So I took my little $29 and bought a bunch of stuff. We needed it all too. Thank God payday is Friday. I can't wait. I hate paying bills, but I have to, then maybe I can buy some groceries. I'm going to Manna Pantry tomorrow night. That will get us through this week. This is becoming a way of life for us, shamefully. But praise the Lord they are there. I don't know how we'd make it other wise. Scott has got to get off his butt and get a job. Here summer is almost over and he still hasn't worked. And I don't see how he thinks he's going to go to school, vo-tech and work during the school year when he can't even work and play in the summer. Yeah right, it'll never happen. He doesn't seem to know himself very well.

I'm so very excited that Chris will be home a month early. I can't wait. I only have a month to wait now instead of two!!! YIPPEE! He weighs 193 now and keeping it on. I'm so proud of him, I can't wait to see him. I'll never take my arms from around him. It's a shame I can't pick him up from the gate at the airport. Darn terrorists....grrrrrrrrr. I hate when bad people ruin good things for us. Just makes me sick to my stomach. And there is so much that we can't do these days because of bad things others have done. You've got to meet him again :) I know you will. He is just an awesome person. God bless him for being there for our freedom. He told me the other day they have been practicing for Iraq :( I don't want him to go there and if he does, I will pray my heart out that he comes back. I just cry every time we lose one of ours over there. You hear this stuff on the news and hope like heck that the families have already been notified when they announce that "we lost 4 today". I hope I never have to hear those words, that something has happened to my son. I'm just so in love with my son. lol Not "that" kind of love, but you know what I mean. I feel like I need to get to know him all over again now. But I know, he is still Chris, just an enhanced version and I can't wait to see it. God bless him! I just have such a great admiration for him. What can I say? He's mine!!
He's the best Christmas present I have ever received and there is none other that can replace this gift. Ok, I should stop bragging now. lol

I pray that Scott will come out of his troubles well. I wish he could go in the Military, but I also wish the war wasn't going on. I couldn't bare to have them both over there. OMGosh, that would tear my heart out. It's going to be bad enough if Chris has to go over there. He wants to go, but I say NOOOOOOOOO. He has a great passion about it too. Scott wants to join to follow in Chris's footsteps. Chris is his Hero along with his Dad. I'm glad he has them. It might be all that keeps him going. If he ever heals from all of his wounds, he will be a more awesome person. I can't wait to see that person. I just wish there was something I could do to make it happen and remove him from the pain that consumes him. It is heart breaking to watch it. It does make me angry too. But it hurts more and then I guess the hurt turns to anger. He will get there despite the set backs I've laid in his path. I'm getting better at handling him. And refraining from dogging him so bad. I feel like such a terrible Mother for saying the things I've said to him and about him, but I can't take them back.

I'm getting too emotional here and Colby has country music playing in the back ground that isn't helping. lol I'm signing off for now.

Wednesday July 23m 08

Today has been kind of a "blah" day. Nothing really eventful, except the lack of liking of my Aide. If it were up to me she wouldn't get paid more than minimum wage. She just isn't worth it. Today she came and after standing here for 15 mins talking, before she clocked in and then a little bit afterwards and she was late to boot. She finally asked if I needed her to do anything today. Well gee, look around! So, I did ask her to clean the trash cans, ALL of them, and clean out the fridge. Then she asked if I wanted her to fix some lunch or what ever. I did have her to fix us breakfast. Just french toast, eggs and sausage. I know it's not her job to cook for the boys, but while she's at it, might as well, right? Well, I know it's not right, but have her to fix mine, then me go in and fix theirs? That just seems stupid. Anyway, she did fix breakfast and cleaned the fridge and trash cans and that is ALL she did in 3 hrs. And she claims she has the house caught up since Tara being here. Hell it looks worse than when Tara left here last. It is so hard to get a good Aide. I did go ahead and call my Case Manager and requested to change Companies. I've only given her a wk and a half, and in that time, she's missed a day already for something that she could have done after work. She gets off here at 2:30 and the Court House is opened till 5:00. And then she comes in today and reports that she didn't get anywhere with all of that yesterday. I'm not surprised, she just talks too much. She's a very nice girl, but I'm not sure that she really gets what her job is. I have to say, I've had MUCH better Aides than her. I thought she would work out after the first couple of days, but it went downhill from there.

Monday I asked her to clean my room, she said, "you mean make the bed and vacuum"? I just agreed and rolled my eyes after she had turned away. If I have to give her that kind of instruction then I'm not wasting my breath. Oh and today, because she did the fridge and trash cans, she didn't clean the kitchen. Just left it as it was. And it will be there for her tomorrow. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Colby said he'd clean it, but I told him no, leave it for her to do tomorrow. And I bet that is all she gets done tomorrow too.

I hope I don't sound like a slave driver, and I don't think I'm asking too much, am I? She is being paid nearly 9 bucks an hr, you'd think she could get more done than she does. Oh well, I'm going to go back to Baptist Home Care, I never really had as much trouble out of them. Quincie is leaving darn it. I'd love to have her back. But then on the other hand, we are too close really to have her work here again. I'm going to ask my Case Manager, maybe I need to go to a whole new company and not go back to Baptist. I'll call Baptist tomorrow and kind of fill them out. See if they even have an Aide who does Yukon. See how long and how hard it will be to get staffed. I really hate to give up Becky, my nurse, but nurses are easy to replace. In home care anyway. She just fills my med planner trays and does vitals. But I've had her a long time and am comfortable with her. Oh well again! Such as life in the Home Health care business. lol

I guess everything else is going ok today. Tomorrow is Dr. Mackey day. I am out of pain pills again. lol So I'm glad. I've taken my last 3 today. I wish he'd just give me 180 of them and leave off the long acting stuff and leave me be! I'd be just fine and would never run out. Never did before. And he did give me an extra 40 this month. Maybe he'll increase the qty this time. I sure hope so, I am going to ask him to. I doubt that he will, he'll want to increase the long acting more and I'm just going to tell him that I'm afraid if we go any higher, I'll start swelling again. We'll see what happens. He sure is good looking!! If I were healthy and he weren't' married, oh my!! I'd go after him! LOL

Scott has been okay today. Non-eventful. He slept really late and is up now but still in his room. Jacob and Colby are still here. Colby fixed my filing cabinet today. Yesterday he cleaned my ceiling fan in my room. I think he might have cleaned the one in the living room today and was going to do Scott's too.

I'm not even cooking tonight. I'm going to take a shower, much needed at that, lay on my bed and watch tv for the evening. Sounds good to me! Sooner Ride will pick me up at 12:15 tomorrow and take me to Edmond. I don't know if I wrote this yesterday or not, can't remember. But when I drive myself to Edmond I can get reimbursed. Well that's what I was told yesterday. Now, reading the voucher, it asks for the name of the person who drove me and they are the one who will get paid. I'll have to call back and see if I misunderstood yesterday. Darn it!!

Oh well, I guess this is all I have to say right now.........later on :)

Monday July 21, 08, continued

I'm so very depressed today. I just can't shake it. Scott has me in such a bad mood. Then Stacey sent me pictures of Chris. I miss him so much and wish he were here. Life is so much easier when he's here. God how I miss him. It upsets me so bad that he is upset with me and doesn't call me. It upsets me even more that I can't get him a cell phone. I can't do anything for anyone except offer verbal support.

I wish I could shake this depression and anger today. I'm in tears as I type this. I've been totally embarrassed by Scott. Here we have very little food here. I feed all of these damn kids and Jacob orders calizone from All American today, think they'd offer me some? Nope. They ordered pizza last week too and never offered me any. I didn't even know they had done it until I found the empty box under the coffee table. I feel so ashamed over this. That I have to feel this way about food, because it's so scarse. I'm so angry. I said something to Scott about how rude it was for them to do this. He later brings in a piece on a saucer with sauce and I refused it. I had a bolonga sandwich. That's ok, payback's a bitch. And I told Scott they need to find someone else to buy their cigarettes for them, or go get them anyway. They buy them and dumbass me goes and gets them for them. That's stopping right now too. I'm going to quit as I can't buy them and then they won't be allowed to smoke in my house again. And if I find cigarette butts in my yard or patio, they'll be banned from smoking outside too. The war is on. I'm really getting tired of all these kids being over here. They practically live here and I know none of their parents would ever allow this, because they have a family life. We don't even have a family here. I want so bad to go in there and make them all leave. But I'm angry, depressed and just down right pissed

Monday July 21, 08

I just noticed that I dated yesterday's entry as Saturday July 20th instead of Sunday. Was I so mad I lost a day? Possibly. Scott has got me so mad. This boy won't move for crap. Maybe I should take him to the dump? Something. He is just totally worthless. He treats me like crap. He's now jealous of his friends and I. Well they treat me better. He treats me horribly and Colby has told him so. Ah, to have a son like Colby, I'd be in Heaven and I will be in Heaven before I do. I've got to stop giving Scott anything. I really need to have his phone shut off as he doesn't deserve it. That will totally piss him off and I'm thinking I'll wait till Chris is home visiting before I do that so I'll have some protection. I'll just give the phone to Chris.

Chris is still upset with me. And I feel horrible about what happened. He needed me to put $20 in his checking account so he could get his hair cut before he got in trouble, well I wasn't able to and he got in trouble. I feel so horrible for this and I'll never forgive myself for that. He doesn't call hardly at all anymore. He called long enough yesterday to tell me that he was going into a ballgame, the Army got them all free tickets and to ask if we'd found his phone yet. Then that was the end of the conversation. He always says he'll call back but never does. This just makes me feel the size of a flea. Here it is 10:30 and Scott is still sleeping. The house looks like shit and the Aide will be here in an hour. It isn't her job to clean up after these boys and she doesn't. She will clean the kitchen today and that'll be it. I'll have her to make my bed, but that is about all she'll be able to do because the living room looks like a bomb went off in it. I can't wait till Scott moves out and I can have my home to myself. Still the that one problem remains. I'll have to give Bandit up and I don't want to. That will break my heart. But, I'll have to move to an apartment and I can't take him out for walks as he needs to go. But then, he'll be a little older by then so maybe it will be possible. I still wish I could find a small one bedroom house, or 2 bedroom even, just for me and my dogs. Something with a small yard, so they can go out and do their business. Or Bandit anyway, I'll have to get rid of Smokie. And I've got to see what Chris wants me to do with this cat. I can't keep her for sure and don't want to keep her. I've never really cared for cats. Bandit is about the best thing I've got in my life. He loves me unconditionally. Always has and always will.

I've got to buy a garbage disposal when I get paid. Nine more days. I can't ask the Landlord to as they just bought this one last year sometime. Colby broke it by accident. A spoon was in it and he didn't know it, turned it on and it burned the motor up. Danny came and looked at it. And he said the motor is burned up. I don't really trust his judgement, but I don't have anyone else to look at it. He said he'd put the new one in when I got it. So, I'll get him over here to do that. Hopefully today will be a better day than yesterday. Scott never did clean the kitchen yesterday. Colby did what was done in it. Scott was to load the last load of dishes and of course didn't. I'll just have to apologize to Sarah this morning for the mess that's here and have her do what she can. Usually the Aides will do what ever needs to be done, but she's let me know in so many words that she won't do anything that isn't for me.

Saturday July 20, 08

Scott is a major asshole. I can't stand him. I can't wait till he turns 18, he will be OUT. God I can't wait. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I wish I could put him out right now, I would in a heart beat. Colby is the best friend this kid has and Colby got onto him, wrongfully, but I don't blame him at all. Colby is always doing stuff around here to help me out and Scott too for that matter. And I told Scott to go clean this damn kitchen, he's jacking around and Colby got in his ass. They got into a big argument and now Colby is gone. Scott is a true asshole who needs to have his ass kicked like a man. And I'm hoping that when Chris comes this Fall, he'll take this friggin brat outside and do a number on him. Scott needs it. He needs someone to kick his ass everytime he raises his head. I swear I am ashamed to say he is mine. Little friggin bastard. I can't stand him right now. He is a worthless piece of shit, who doesn't deserve the air he breathes. He won't do a damn thing around here, lets his friends do what he should be doing. Colby has fixed things, always cleaning doing something. Picks up after all of their friends who have come here and made messes. I'm sure Colby's getting tired of it now too. Colby told him to get off his lazy ass and get something done.

There, Colby has come back and they've apologized to each other. If I were Colby, I'd tell Scott to go to hell. I'm sorry, but I'm pissed at him. He is totally worthless. He will never be anything or get anywhere in life because he is too friggin lazy to. Gosh I can't stand him. And I raised this friggin monster. I just almost HATE him, but I don't hate. But I do hate who he is, who he's turned out to be. I wish Chris was here, OMGosh all hell would break loose. I wish to hell Scott could go into the Military, it would do my heart good to know he is going through bootcamp and being made to move. But he can't because of his asthma. He's already been turned down. What am I saying, he'd be sent back home, he'd never make it through the 1st week of bootcamp, he's too big of a pansie.

I wish I had the money to buy some wine. I'd get drunk. LOL Yeah right! I haven't been drunk since 1989 and never will again. Gosh, it's been nearly 20 yrs. I wouldn't like to be drunk, but a nice glass of wine to relax would be good. Or two! This kid could drive the Pope to drinking, I swear. I know, some find language I've used here. But he brings it out in me and anything less wouldn't seem as strong. The anger I feel toward him is unspeakable.

Saturday July 19, 08

Last night was another sleepless night. I fight my sleep. I just don't want to sleep sometimes, then I'm exhausted. lol I'm my worst enemy. I should make myself go to sleep when I start falling asleep watching TV. Actually, I know before then that it's time to go to bed, but I don't. I did sleep the night before last for 8 hrs., plus took a 2 hr nap yesterday! Then last night, I just refused to sleep. Until about 4 this morning, I think it was, I slept for about 45 mins. I know I must stop this as it is shredding years off my life. And I want to live as long as God will allow. I do plan to take a short nap today, then I'll be sleepy tonight and can go to bed early. I wish I had a reason to be on a schedule. I do during the school year, and it's really hard as I try to fight my sleep then. But I'm on more of a schedule than I am during the summer. And then at the end of each school year, I tell myself I'm not going to get into the bad habit of staying up all night, lol that lasts about a month, then I fall off the wagon. If I could get on a schedule and stay on one, it would be setting a good example for Scott and maybe in time, he'd follow my lead. I've just got to do this. And starting tonight, I'm going to try really hard. I like waking up between 4:30 and 6:00 in the morning. So if I'd get to sleep by 11, I could do this and still get enough sleep, for me, anyway. And that way I wouldn't feel like I'm sleeping my life away. I love the early morning hours when everyone else is still asleep. The babies continue to sleep in even though I'm up, which is good!! Once they are up, they want to run in and out for awhile. lol

Well gee. I can't really think of anything else I want to write at the moment. Things are going pretty good. Sage and Scott made up and he spent the night last night. I had 3 visitors last night spending the night. We just took one home. I had never met him before. Umm I can't even remember his name right now. He sure thanked me for letting him spend the night last night. They introduced us when they got home at midnight last night. He's one of Sage's friends, but Scott has played hacky sak with him at school too. So he wasn't a complete stranger. He sure is polite though. Sage will just be here till we leave around 3 to go to Edmond and pick up Jacob. He's working up there today and won't have a ride home. His step dad had to go out of town and something else with his real dad. I can't remember the story, but he called me earlier this week to see if I'd come get him today if he paid for the gas. So sure, I can do that. Otherwise, I don't have the money to go to Edmond. lol Plus the tolls. I hate being so broke, but this will sooner or later pass. I just know it will. In the mean time, as thin as the ice is at times, we still get by. Haven't gone hungry yet. Even with feeding all of these growing boys this summer, we've made it. God is good and He always takes care of me.

I was reminded of how God takes care of me this morning. A friend of mine in VA emailed and was asking how in the world I make it with co-pays and Dr's fee's and such. As I was telling her all that I have, I felt ashamed that I ever complain about anything. I told her how blessed I am and I hate that everyone who is disabled can't get the same benefits that I do. Some can, some can't. I'm one of the truly blessed ones. Yeah, I pay co-pays for a few months out of each year and that about kills me, but I get by still. I'm so very thankful and praise the Lord that it's only a few months and only about $60 a month. Otherwise, I don't know what I'd do. I'd not be taking some meds. No, that's not true either. I'd find a way, I always have. Even with Advantage cut us back to only 3 prescriptions per month, I never went without. Now I did cut out some meds, like the one for incontinence, but that was about it. Oh and the Requip for RLS. I could have gotten them, but I could live without them too. So I did!

Scott and I are truly blessed. I have a great support system even though my family isn't a part of it. Even Peggy, with us talking nearly everyday, she is of no support to me. She hardly even asks how I'm doing. But I listen to her about Bill and all of her troubles and fears. Try to calm her and be a positive support person. Nancy had thought that with this happening to Bill and being so close to Peggy that should would get a clue about what I go through. But no, that didn't happen. She's here to see what I can do for her. And I will help her with Bill when he comes home. That will be the end of this month. Then he'll go to day treatment and Peggy will get him to and from there. I have my limits and will stick to them. If there is a day I can't do it, or it becomes too much for me, I've learned how to say NO. And don't have a problem with it. It's ok for me to say no. Even though it's hard to sometimes and I will push a bit harder than I should in some cases, but won't for very long. Plus as long as Donna is still in town, she can help too. I've just got to go over and sit with him to make sure he doesn't go outside, or do things that he's not supposed to. He just doesn't know any better right now. So it won't be too difficult to help them out. He will feed himself, fix his own food and all. I don't have to do any of that, which is a good thing, cause I can't. Peggy doesn't realize how limited I am as she is never around me. She never comes to my home, and when she does, she's only here for up to 15 mins. So she has no clue how I live my life. And we don't talk about it, because it's all about her and Bill. She knew I was going to have a heart cath done, but she's never even asked about it and I didn't tell her either. I figure if she cares enough to remember it, then she'll ask, if not, I won't burden her. So I just kept it to myself and those who do give a crap about me. Which are Tanja, my online support friends, Nancy, Quincie and a few others.

Ok, so I guess I did have more to write about. lol I don't understand how people can be so selfish and only think of themselves or their own families and nothing or no one else? I will never understand that.

Oh well, such as life! I know where I stand in everyones life around me. And I stay on my side of the line. :) Ok, I may go take a nap. Or may just play some more games. But I'm done here for now!!

Monday July 14, 08

Today started out to be a somewhat great day, other than fighting with Scott over cigarettes. After the past year, nearly, that I have bought him cigarettes, even though I shouldn't have, he can't share if I''m out and he has some. I was so mad at him this morning I could have spit nails. He's a selfish little prick! Yes, I called him that, God forgive me. But he makes me so mad. He called me a bitch again today, and told me FU to go with it. He can be the biggest asshole on this earth. Colby buys the cigarettes because as you know, I don't have the money to. I feel so stupid fighting with a little teenage punk over cigarettes, but that's the addiction part of cigarettes. I had to fight with Scott all morning to get any cigarettes until Colby got over here and I went to get some.

So since all of this went on this morning, Scott hasn't done a thing for me all day. I had asked him to make another pot of coffee this afternoon as it replaces food for me. He said NO, I'm still Pissed at you. The little jerk. I'm so upset with him Tanja. And I'm really bad at the name calling to him when I'm mad at him as I couldn't hit him and hurt him. Plus he'd probably hit me back. He's just biding his time until he turns 18 and can get out of here. I told him not to wait, GO NOW. I won't stop him. But I would, I'd call the police and report him as a runaway even though I want him out of here. Scott's never going to make it in the outside world as he is too friggin lazy to make it. He wants to get paid, but doesn't want to work. He and Colby were supposed to go looking for jobs today, but of course that didn't happen. He didn't get out of bed till 11:30. And that was only because we were fighting over cigarettes. So the day turned to be rotten. I swear if I could spank him and hurt him, I'd take great satisfaction in that. But as I said, he'd hit me back or I'd go to jail for child abuse. Scott just holds his anger in, and every now and then he'll have an outburst. But not near as bad as they used to be. He tries to just keep his mouth shut or get away from me. And I put him down too. Anything to hurt him. I have to stop allowing myself to do this. But he makes me so mad because I can't hurt him. Yes, I want to hurt him when he's like this and I do get verbally abusive.
I didn't today, but I have told him in the past that I hate him or can't stand him and want him out of my house. he can be the most miserable person to live with and then at times he can be the most pleasent. It's not him I hate, it's his attitude and mouth. His hatefulness that he exhibits when he's mad. Makes me not be able to stand him. I'm ashamed of myself and it's very hard for me to tell all of this about the things I do and have done, but it's the truth and they are things I MUST work really hard on. I do good until he starts being an ass, then I blow. My mouth just runs and runs.

Saturday July 12, 08, continued

The story of the female Job!!! lol

Growing up, we never went to Church except on Easter Sunday. And that was only when we went to Atoka to visit my Aunt May. She was a sweet lady. She even gave me a Bible, which I still have, that someone gave to her in 1968. I still have it, put away. Wow, that thing is 40 yrs old now. I got it from here in about 1974. When we didn't go visit her, I remember us going to Church with my oldest sister Pat. We did a lot of things with Pat and Jerry. They had 5 children and Mama, at the time had us last 4 girls. We were all the same ages. Yeah, those 5 children are my nieces and nephews! We did LOTS of things together. I experienced many things in life that I wouldn't have if it weren't for my sister Pat. She's 25 yrs older than me and had 4 children by the time I was born.

Okay, back to my Church life as a child. I remember when we lived on Trenton Ave. in Tulsa, there was an Pastor from Eastwood Baptist Church that came to visit us. Finally, the Church bus would come to pick us girls up on Sunday mornings. Mom didn't go. And we'd go to Church. I don't know what happened, but it was short lived. Then some time after that, Donna and I began going to Church with the neighbors across the street. The Messer's were their names. It was a family of 7, 3 girls, 2 boys and Mom and Dad. They were a devout Christian family. The girls weren't even allowed to wear jeans or shorts. Dresses only. And of course Mom never wore anything but dresses, their Mom that is. This pretty much sums up my Christian and Church life as a child.

Here's where my punishment comes in. Well, as a result of what I'm about to tell. Billy and I never went to Church, except with his Grand Parent's when we came to Tulsa to visit. I was Baptised when we lived in Tulsa when I was about 17. I never really felt good about my baptism because the Pastor who performed the Baptism, had a pack of cigarettes in his shirt pocket when he Baptised me. That just didn't set well with my spirit and I felt unclean. I knew I would some day do it again.

In 1992, Billy left me for another woman. I didn't know until 3 months after he was gone that he'd been in the relationship for 6 months, 3 months prior to me putting him out. I was so distraught when he left. He left me with an 8 month old baby who'd just been diagnosed with CP and a 5 yr old son. Of course, Chris and Scott. We had a rent house in Tulsa, we'd just moved back from Texas in 1989. Anyway, I didn't know who to turn to. And I wound up turning to the Pastor of the Church where Chris attended daycare and preschool. I later put Scott in their nursery.

I began counseling with Pastor Holder at New Life Christian Center/Assemblies of God, sometime after Billy left. I even had a Christian attorney. In time, I turned everything over to God. A very deep, spiritual relationship grew between the Holy Trinity and I. It was the most awesome time of my life. It's the only time in my life that I experienced true and complete happiness. A completeness, that I'm sure you must understand. I was an infant in Christ and it was wonderful. Every night after putting the boys to bed, I'd have a couple of hours in union with the Holy Spirit. Such precious time it was. I'll never forget the things I experienced during the next 2 yrs. Everything seemed to be layed out for my life just as the Lord wanted it. Everything always fell into place and we never even came close to doing without. The Lord always provided for us and I was able to keep up my home, yard work and all. I never had anyone watch my boys. They were mine and I took care of them. Billy didn't even take Chris for visitation for the first few months. And even then he didn't take him overnight as it was in the divorce decree that as long as he was with her and unmarried, residing in the same home, he couldn't have Chris over night. Now he could get a Hotel or stay at his cousins or Grandma's with Chris, but he never did that. And that was ok. I knew in my heart of hearts that we'd get back together someday. God would see it through. Then it came to where I was content with my life as it was even if I never was back with Billy. I had the Lord in my life and my life was complete. I didn't date and remained faithful to the marriage. I took those vow's before God, and man couldn't break them. Only divorce. Or so I thought that was the only way. I found out later that there was a clause in the Book and divorce also severed the wedding ties, as the adulterer was stoned to death, hence, "vowing till death do us part". I didn't learn of this until almost a yr and a half later and that was ok. I was still faithful to the marriage. But after finding this out, and learning that I needed to move from Tulsa to Edmond, did I finally rid myself of the wedding rings. I traded them in on a cocktail ring. I was tired of playing satans games. I had no intentions of dating or ever getting married again, but I had to get rid of the rings and open a new chapter of my life, or rather be active in the new chapter that had been opened for me by Billy. The Lord guided everything in my life. I didn't do anything without consulting Him first. Just as it should be. And I hope to someday return to that life. I prayed daily and every night I had my union time with the Holy Spirit. I experienced a deliverance once. It was too cool. Demons floated out of my body. It was really awesome!! We had been doing a Bible study at Church on Wednesday nights, (I went 3 times per week and every time there was a revival or service) it pertained to allowing the Lord to rule our lives, for Him to pour out our inner being and fill us with who he wanted us to be. I followed scripture tot he "T". I prayed and I prayed for this to happen. Slowly, it happened, step by step. I let "self" die and was renewed in the likeness of Christ.

My family called me a Bible Thumper. I didn't care. I was living just as the Lord intended I live. We didn't watch secular television. If it wasn't God related, it wasn't on my TV screen. We'd rent video's from Mardel's. I took my faith very seriously. I even taught children's Church. I had group meetings in my home. I don't know if you've heard of Psalty the Song Book? But they toured in Tulsa at Oral Roberts once and I took Chris to seem them. It was too fun. I even went to Christian music concerts. I saw 4Him in concert at a Church in Tulsa and I can't remember the other 2 groups I went to see. I went alone. I didn't have anyone to go with, it didn't bother me. Grandma and Grandpa watched the boys while I went. God answered my prayers back then. And if I'd ask for Him to show me He was working on what ever it was, usually there would be some kind of sign that let me know it was in progress. It was soooo cool to have such a close relationship with the Lord. I witnessed to people, drew them to Christ. Got some coming to my Church. I was His instrument just as I should be. I lived this Holy life for 2 yrs. Then after I moved to Edmond, I had a hard time finding a new Church home and then after a while, I fell away from God :( I'm so ashamed of myself. Building a relationship with Christ, takes work and time. It doesn't happen over night. I'll have to start all over now to renew it. At least I do know more now than I did then.

Now for the kicker! It was just almost 3 yrs later, after I fell away from the Church and God, or that I moved to Edmond from Tulsa and lost my Church home, that I got sick and my life began the spiral to nearly complete ruins. Where I am today. My thinking is that the Lord has spent all these years trying to get me close to Him again and I've rebelled. I've been totally stubborn and have chose to do everything MY way, not His. And this is where it's gotten me. This is why I keep saying that the Lord has done all of this to me. I don't think He has "done" it. But I do feel that He has allowed it. I feel He's tried to make me lean on Him again. To allow Him to rule my life and I haven't submitted to Him yet. I think it's high time I give in. Throw in the towel. He talks to me all the time, but I ignore Him. I know it's Him speaking to me. That little voice that is so gentle and tries to guide us.

So, now that I have acknowledged this to the point of sharing with anyone, NOW is the time to do something about it. HE is the ONLY one who can fix my life. And I have to lean on Him! It will take some time. There is lots of healing to be done and He is the ONLY one who can heal me. My spirit has to be totally renewed again. Letting the fleshly "self" die is a process. It dies one layer at a time. And perhaps all of this time that I've wished to be dead or had thoughts of killing myself, this is what has needed to be done. This is the death I've been speaking of.

Oh and by the way, I did get Baptised again! It was by Pastor Holder in 1992, right before I joined the Church. And I figured out that as I sought a new Church home in Edmond, I was looking for the wrong thing. I was looking for my Church home I had in Tulsa and there are no 2 a like. So, when I seek a Church home when the time comes, which will be soon, I knew what NOT to look for. WOW it's been 16 yrs too long since I've had a Church home. I think it's way past time that I get on the road to searching. My search will be easy this time as the Lord will take me where He wants me to be.

Saturday July 12, 08

I hate that I'm such a negative person. This pink color is so pretty, but it's not how I feel on the inside. I feel like a very ugly person. Everything in my life for the most part is negative. I hate that about me.

Today is Scott's birthday and I hate it because I couldn't even buy him a card. I sent him one online though. That's the best I can do. I don't even have the money to buy the stuff to make a cake for him. Such a sad life I live. Why is it this way? I know it's just me and everything I do. I want to blame God, but.........hell I don't know. Scott just came in from checking the mail, hoping he'd have a card in the mail and nothing. Not even from his grandma in NY. She never fails to send him money for his birthday, but he never calls her or even talks to her when she calls. But then again, he doesn't really know her well and his only memories of her have negativity in them. We haven't seen her since Billy's funeral and she's been to Tulsa a few times since then and is going to be there this month too. I don't have the money to go see her. I wish I did, but I don't. I feel so bad for Scott. Chris is the only one who has called to wish him Happy Birthday. The day isn't over yet, but it's not looking good as it's nearly 5pm. Well he has me, for what that's worth. And his friends, who are here.

Something's just got to change in our lives. I don't know how it's going to change as I don't know how to change it. One thing I can do, not that it would really matter or make a difference, is look at the stuff that is negative in a positive light, even though there isn't a positive light really. Have a fake happiness. But then that would be depressing once I stopped and thought about the fake happiness. So what's the point? There is none. The only real positive thing I have going in my life, well there are a few and I guess I take them for granted, but doesn't everyone? I'm not allowed the luxury to take the fact that I have benefits, a home, utilities, a car and such for granted. Yes, those are positive things, but you can't fool me. Most everyone has those things. Yeah, there are a few unfortunate ones who don't. And that's not even 1% of the population. That's really great news. I'm a step up from a street person. WOW now that's something to be excited about. I better be careful or God will take those things away from me too.

We didn't get to stay for the entire class last night or go today. I hadn't slept since Thursday morning and kept falling asleep and snoring in class, so we left at 7:30. Scott went and talked to the teacher. I really felt horrible anyway. I can't even remember much of yesterday because I was so tired. It really seems like yesterday was a week ago. My feet and legs, moreso the right, are very swollen. I was hoping they'd be down some after sleeping most of the night last night. I went to bed I think at midnight. I know I fell asleep sitting up at least before midnight because I was going to wait till 12:09 to wish Scott happy birthday last night, but I didn't make it. Then I guess I just woke up and got in the bed. Didn't think about it then :( We were waiting for his birth time. I'm such a loser. I wish "ME" would come back. I've been gone so long, I don't know who "ME" is.

I feel like I just go through the motions of life. That's all I really do. Eat and sleep because they have to be done. I wish I could feel good too. I know I've thrown myself into a flare of the fibro and cfs. I feel just horrible. I don't remember feeling this bad in a very long time. But that isnt' saying much I guess, since I don't have much of a memory. I could have felt this way a week ago and don't remember. Today is so depressing, it should be raining.

I learned this morning that Quincie is moving back to NC next month. We don't see each other often, but do talk on the phone. She actually has a life. It seems her ship came in. Mine never will.

Friday July 11, 08

It's a new day, some different chit and some of the same chit! I can't win for losing. I'm soooooooooooo tired. I didn't sleep again last night. I don't know why I'm so darn stupid. Things happen right under my nose and I don't pick up on them until after the fact. That's one thing I envied about Danny, he would pick up on things and sometimes before they even happened, he knew it was coming. I could always count on that with him. He could see stuff. You couldn't hide things from him. It was a great gift he had. I'm not saying he was Psychic, but something like that.

Last night while we were gone to the class, I told Colby and Sage they could stay here, but no one else was allowed to be here. Ashley and Krista had been here, they were told to leave. Well Ashley hung back for someone else to pick her up or something, we were in a hurry to leave. I should have known something was up with that. And in the back of my mind I knew it, but left it in the back of my mind. Something didn't sit right as far as Ashley was concerned. I just had a feeling, but anyway. We come home and Colby was in the shower and had the front door locked. Sage was gone, his Mom had come and got him. As far as I knew, the house was empty except for Colby. He and Sage had really cleaned house this time. It looked really good. They did this while I was gone last night.

Anyway, Colby and Scott stayed in Scott's room last night, which is kind of unusual. And Colby even went to sleep at around 11:30, which is also unusual. They stayed in Scott's room, didn't go out into the living room like they normally do. Well, at about 7:45 I went into Scott's room to see if he had any cigarettes in there as I ran out. lol And what do I find? Little Ms Ashley in the bed with Colby~! Oh pissed isn't a strong enough word to use. I want to call the police and let them take her out of here. I got Scott up as he's in my bed because his was too crowded. He hid this from me. I don't know what to do at this point. I don't want to cause her any trouble. Scott said her Mom kicked her out again. I asked why isn't she at her sisters. I'm not running a whore house here. This little girl is very free with herself sexually from what I hear. And I told Scott to get her up and get her out of here or I was going to. He went into the room, then came back out begging me to let her sleep for another hour and then she could get up and find another place to go. I just can't be a bad guy here. I know what it's like to have a bad home life. But at least when I left home at the age of 16, I was self supporting and never looked back. She doesn't even have a job. Please tell me what to do with her. I'm pretty mad, yet not mad enough to call the police on here. She and Colby didn't do anything according to Scott. Colby, I know for sure isn't interested in her that way. I don't know, maybe I'm fooling myself. Please don't call anyone yet, lets talk about this if that is what you are thinking of doing? Please? I don't have to be telling you this, but I don't know what to do, I just know that what is going on right now isn't right, morally or otherwise. There is just nothing right about it. It's not sitting right with my spirit, but I don't mind helping the girl, but she can't stay here. GRRRRRRRR what do I do?

Wednesday July 9, 08, continued

I'm just having a major breakdown today. The damn electric company is messing with me now. They say my bill was late last month and I can't remember why or if it really was. There is no reason for it to be. Who the hell knows. I sure don't. They took me off averaging and I can't be off averaging. I can't pay the big electric bills when I'm no on averaging. I can't take no more Tanja. If it's not one thing it's another. I'm so tired of life. I just can't take no more. I finally broke down into tears while on the phone with the electric company. They are having a supervisor call me back sometime today. I don't know what happened last month, I just don't have a clue. I'm so tired of them messing with me. They've been messing with someone on my bill for a friggin yr now and I'm tired of it. Either they drop my averaging or they change my due date and take off the extended due date I have set up. I just looked at my check register and it shows that I paid the bill on 6/5 and that was the due date. I paid through choice pay and they show I didn't pay it till the 6th.
I just can't take no more. I'm going to wind up having to get rid of my dogs and get an apartment and I can't live without bandit. I don't want to live without bandit and I don't know how well he'd do without me. When I leave he whines the entire time I'm gone. I just couldn't do that to him. I love that dog almost more than life. Smokie would do ok without me. He'd be sad but he'd get over it. I'm not so sure about Bandit. Why does life have to be so damned hard. I'm sick of it, I don't want to do this anymore. There is too much drama and too much pain, both emotional and physical. Too much to deal with for one person.

Wednesday July 9, 08

I'm pretty tired and fed up now. I finally got some sleep last night. I don't know how many hours, but it was more than 8. So that's a good thing. I feel like I'm among the living today. But it would be better not to be. I'm tired of dealing with all of this stuff in my life. Sick and tired. There is nothing that can help it I don't think, hope is gone. I just can't keep going through the motions of life anymore. I'm not getting anywhere. One step forward and 15 back. And nothing is getting resolved. I don't have the means to resolve many of the things in my life. And I sure as hell can't do it alone. I have no one who wants to help, I have no one to do any of it for me and I can't do it, so it just sits. I'm totally overwhelmed. Write it down? Why? It doesn't change anything. Everything is still here when I'm done writing, None of it goes away. It just seems fruitless. I want to go to church but I don't have the clothes to go. I have one skirt and no shirt to go with it, no shoes to wear to church. I'm just short of being a street person. Some of them have better clothes than I have. I wear the same few outfits all the time. This might be part of the reason I don't shower very often because I get tired of putting the same things on. Actually, I don't think that is the reason, I just don't feel like taking a shower and don't unless I have to go somewhere like to see a doc. I don't shower to go to the store. I shower when I have to and it's such a chore. I don't want to die, but at the same time, I wish God would just put me out of my misery. Scott would feel better too, because I wouldn't be bothering him by calling his name to do things for me anymore. I'm such a burden to him.

Colby and Sage walked to Shell a bit ago and got some eggs and bread. I made them all breakfast. I didn't have anything here to feed them and not much money left for the month so I'm afraid to spend any, even at the grocery store. I sure needed to lose that $30 I lost. It still hasn't turned up and won't. God is just making me live in what seems like hell before he casts me in the pit of fire. I think he takes great joy in making deals with satan and then sitting back and watching what takes place. They have me squirming I tell ya.

Why is it that others can get the medical care they need and get treatment. And I can't even find out what is wrong with me? God doesn't want me to have treatment because without his plan for me to burn in that pit of fire is closer and more apt to happen. My life is shit. And it always will be. Maybe I'll get lucky and just have a massive heart attack and it'll kill me instantly. One can only hope.

Tuesday July 8, 08

There are times that I wish I lived alone. Like now. I can't have anything with people living with me. There is so much distruction. Scott broke into my lock box yesterday while I was gone. Chris's rings are in there and I had wore one on my thumb for a while after he left, then finally put it up. Then Scott wanted to wear it so I let him. Well he left it on the microwave the other day so I took it and put back in the box so no one would take it. Figured if he was going to leave it laying around, someone would take it, like they took Chris's phone and blue tooth. Darn it all! I didn't give it back to him when he discovered it gone from the microwave. I figured I'd let him steam over it for a bit. I'll be damned if he didn't break into my box yesterday and get it out. I just hope he didn't take any of my pain pills. I don't count them since they are locked up. What do I need a vault at the bank to keep my stuff in? It appears so. This makes me so mad.

And I found out what happened to the eggs. I swear these kids have regressed to 5 yr olds. The other night they went and bought water baloons to throw at each other in the backyard, or so I thought. Come to find out later, they also had them in the house and the eggs were taken outside and thrown at Colby as he was on the roof. Scott claims none broke on the roof. Whatever! I don't believe that for a minute. lol He said they rolled back down to the ground and then broke. I'll have Tara go out later and see if there are egg shells all over the roof. I had looked in the backyard yesterday morning before leaving, when I let the dogs out and I think I'd have seen that many egg shells in the backyard. And IF they are on the roof, Mr. Colby gets to come over here and clean them off or who ever threw them up there which would be Jacob and the girls. Colby's Mom made him come home yesterday, he left about 3o mins before I got here. He's supposed to be back this morning, but Scott has sent him a text last night and told him that I said IF this house couldn't stay cleaned up, which they didn't get done yesterday, that I said he couldn't come over except a couple of times per week and spend the night only on the weekends. I told Scott I am fed up with my house looking like it does. We don't live like this and I won't allow others to live this way in MY home. They can just stay away. Colby makes the bulk of the messes because he's so hyper, he's always in to something. But once he gets started, the others, including Scott, seem to chime in and help. In Colby's defense, he says, "I clean it up". Yeah, he does, but it doesn't last more than 2 hrs if even that long. I'm not going to run around here and have to babysit 17 yr old kids. This is stupid and I'm not that stupid!

I think Mr. Scott can be grounded for a week for breaking into my box. That Is MINE. Oh that just makes me so mad. It's like he didn't think I'd notice. I noticed first off when I tried to open it this morning. It was hard to unlock, then you could see where he used the screw driver on it.

I remember Dr. Bag saying he didn't think I have PRIMARY PH, but there are others, there is secondary and Idiopathic. I had forgotten about that. I'm just grabbing at straws as I want a name for this and to know there is good treatment that will slow the progression. This is so very upsetting. I didn't sleep last night for fear of bleeding. I was afraid this clot would break free and I'd bleed to death. I'm such a hard sleeper, I wouldn't wake to moisture. Scott even stayed up from 2 to 4 so I could sleep for 2 hrs, just to watch me. He offered to stay up all night so I could sleep, but I couldn't do that to him. He needed to go to bed.

We'll see if Tara shows today. I'm going to call the company after she leaves today and request another Aide. I do like my nurse and don't want to lose her. So maybe instead of changing companies, I'll give one more Aide a chance. But then again, I've only had one really good Aide out of that company and that's out of about 10 of them. But I'm going to be very specific this time. I want a good Aide, I don't want a new hire. I want one who has been there for a while and that probably isn't a possibility because they have such a turn over. lol I might just have to change companies. Everytime I've had to have a new Aide, either because they quit or I got rid of them, they always send me the next one that is hired. I hate home health care and wish I didn't need it. It's just a pain in the butt and this is why I didn't take it for the first 2 yrs I was on Advantage. I didn't want to hassle with it and the very first person I was sent, didn't show or call. Then they talked me into trying another one, but this one was one who'd been there for a while and was really good. So I finally agreed. She had been on vacation when I started with them. Anyway, she started, actually showed up and I had her for the duration I was with that company, about 2-1/2 yrs I had her. I was with them 4-1/2 yrs. Then I moved to Yukon and that company didn't service Canadian County. I only had one nurse the entire time I was with them too.

My neck is pretty sore this morning. Matter of fact, it was very sore last night. One the numbing totally wore off, I felt it. It even hurts to swallow. That part is getting better, but last night it really hurt. I get to take this bandage off at noon or there about. I might even wait another day or till tonight. He said around noon I could take it off though. Rather be safe than sorry.

I guess this is pretty much all I have to say for now. I hope Tanja has that envelope with that money in it. If not, I've just lost it. I wasn't with my other papers from the hospital as that is how I was carrying it and it's not in my purse. I can't afford to lose that money. I'm broke as it is.

Monday July 7, 08

GRRRRRRRRRRRRR! I'm so upset with Colby and Scott. All of this has gotten to me now. I've been very patient, but today when I get home or when ever I get home, all hell is going to break loose. My house looks like HELL and I can't take it anymore. They do pick it up, but within a couple of hours it looks the same as it did before they picked up and I can't take this. My home doesn't look this way with just Scott and I here and I'm thinking I might have given them all the chances they need. IF I give them ONE more chance, it will be through Friday and that is giving them more than they deserve. IF it can't be kept clean, I mean NO clutter at ALL, then Colby will be sent home and only be allowed to come over a couple of days per week and spending the night will be limited to the weekends. If Scott wants to go over there, more power to him, but his parents won't allow any spending the night during the week as his Dad has to get up at 4:30 every morning. So their behavior will NOT be tolerated over there and why I've tolerated it this long, I don't have a clue. I'm just an idiot.

Another thing I'm pissed about is Colby is VERY wasteful. I had part of a 18 ct carton of eggs and bought another one the other night. All that is left TOTAL is ONE egg. I bought a big bottle of Dawn the other night and a 1/4 of it is GONE. I don't know what he does with this stuff. He went through an entire box of dishwasher soap last week and now I've bought a bottle of liquid. A box usually lasts us a month and a 1/2. He is always running the dishwasher and the washing machine. I know they aren't full loads and that is going to raise all of my utilities. So, I'm definitely going to sit him down and have a talk about this. We don't waste things around here. Not only because we can't afford to, but because of the enviornment and the economy. I try to save. I have a hard enough time fighting Scott on this, I'm not going to fight two of them. Those days for me are gone, as Chris doesn't live here anymore.

So this is why I'm in a not so good mood. Ok, I've gotten this off my chest for now. Tanja will be here soon, so I need to make sure I've got everything. I think I do. But last minute, I always forget something. I have my meds for the day and my list of questions. I don't think there is anything else I need. And I have a shot for after I eat.

Sunday July 6, 08

Today has been a pretty peaceful day. I've been exhausted though. I've only had 9 hrs sleep in 3 days. No naps either. I'm going to take a Trazodone in 5 minutes and go to bed at 8 so I can get up at 4:30. I don't want to go to bed that early though. I hate sleeping that much, but it's to the point that I've got to get a good nights sleep. I was a little edgy today. So that's my clue that I need some sleep. Not to mention the pain is much worse and the fatigue.

Colby continues to work around here. He cleaned the kitchen up this morning and the living room. He even got up on the roof and trimmed the tree in the back yard. Got all the limbs off of the new roof. I'm sure Linda would appreciate that. It's our job to maintain the trees anyway. And he's just checked out my fan here in the office, he's going to take it apart and clean it too. Tomorrow while I'm gone, he and Scott are going to bomb the house for fleas and treat the back yard, then they'll bathe the dogs and hopefully this will rid the fleas once and for all. I usually start treating the yard in Feb, but this year, we didn't get the stuff down the first time until May 1. Just 3 months late and by then we already had fleas and ticks. No ticks now though, just the irritating fleas. I hate fleas. I hate them being on my babies too. Poor things :(

I'm ready for the heart cath. I am getting a bit anxious. I want to know numbers and what he's going to do for my treatment and I'm not leaving tomorrow without those things. I want to also know WHEN the treatment will be started. I want this done NOW, not three months from now. This has all taken WAY too long in my book. I saw him for the first time 4 months ago and this is only as far as we've gotten? That's a bit ridiculous I think. And I will probably tell him so tomorrow. I know it's not completely his fault, but I do feel he should know a bit more about what is going on with his office staff and the flow of things in his office. His patients shouldn't be allowed to fall through the cracks as I've been allowed to do. I could just drop him and there would be no follow up with me to find out why. They'd probably just assume that I had gone to a different doctor. Let's not consider that I could have died or something like that, due to them dragging their feet. I'm still upset with his office staff and I'm trying not to let it overflow onto him and my feelings toward him. I don't want to go to the doc at OU if I don't have to. I think I'd just about totally give up if I had to go there. And just forget I've got PH. So you can see how upset I am over all of this. There is just no valid excuse for this all to take this long. And he only has 40 of us PH patients. I hear other specialists have over 100 PH patients. OMGosh what would Dr. Bag do with that many when he can't even manage the ones he has? Some would surely die.

Saturday July 5, 08

Ah! Yesterday was a great day. I had a hard time getting started, but once I did, I flew through it all. Got everything done just in time. Colby did all the cooking and everything turned out perfect. Of course we cooked way too much food. I always do on holidays. But we have lots of leftovers, so I don't have to cook much for the next few days. That's the best part about cooking too much food!

After doing all of that on only 3 hrs sleep, I'm exhausted today and very sore. I over did it, but it wasn't too bad while I was doing it. I just took my pain meds and they got me through it all. Today sometime, I have to go to Walmart and get a few things. And Colby turned the garbage disposal on yesterday with a spoon in it he didn't know was there and now it's jammed. I don't know how we're going to get it fixed. I DO NOT want to call the Landlord. So I'm going to have Colby see if his Dad will come look at it. I wish Bill weren't in the hospital in Tulsa, he's the one I usually call. I did call Danny yesterday, but so far no answer back. I'm going to leave a message at his job today. There, I just called him and he's coming to do it this evening when he gets off work. Hopefully he'll be able to fix it. He's the one that installed it, so I'm hoping. I'm of course going to pay him gas money, but it will be worth not having to call Linda.

I tell ya, Colby is a great little worker. He finished cleaning the back yard yesterday, well for the most part anyway. He even took the trampoline down. I kind of wish he didn't do that as Smokie uses it to lay on. But it's got a big hole in the middle of it. It's weather worn, been out there for 4 yrs now. I'm surprised it's lasted this long actually. Now, I've got to solicit Mike and give him gas money to bring his truck over and haul a bunch of this stuff off to the city dump for me. I just hope he can do it. He's really good about helping me out and they are open on Sunday's which is one of his days off. Or he could do it on a Tuesday when he's off too. I'll get the boys to do all the loading and unloading, as to not make Mike work on his day off. lol

His sister Cindy, came over to visit yesterday. Oh I feel so bad for her. She's 47 yrs old and has lung cancer and it's moved to her brain. She's finished radiation and now just starting Chemo. She's totally bald. She has a wig, but didn't wear it yesterday, which is fine with me. LOL It's probably much cooler than the wig. I know I'd hate to wear a wig, I'd be so hot. She lives in Bethany so we'll be visiting with each other. Which will be really nice to have a friend who is in town instead of on the Internet. I love all my Internet friends, but it's nice to have a "real life" one too. She's such a sweetheart and is single, bless her heart. Her family is very supportive though. Mike and her are so close they should be twins. She's 4 yrs older than him. Her Mom and Dad help her out financially and her Mom comes and helps with her laundry and stuff. I'm calling my Nurse Case Manager Monday to try and help her get set up on the Advantage Program. She could use a Therapist as well. I've told Nancy about this in an email I think, so I'm feeling like I've already written about this. Oh I hate my memory. Or lack of. Sometimes I'll feel like I've done something that I've only thought about doing and it drives me crazy.

The boys went to Mustang last night to set off the fireworks they bought. They were going to stay in Mustang without a tent or anything, which was totally silly to me. But they wound up going to Keith's house, who is a 21 yr old ex boyfriend of Krista's who comes over all the time. She comes over that is. Anyway, they stayed at his house. I guess he was out there with them. They still aren't home yet, but I talked to Scott at 3am and then this morning too. They'll be home by noon. Then I have to get them busy cleaning up this kitchen and living room. I have to go to Walmart and get dishwasher soap and stuff. I really don't feel like going and do wish one of them had their drivers license. Krista does of course and has a vehicle too. I may ask her if she can take Scott for me if she stays when they get home today. That would be awesome. She actually took them to get the fireworks yesterday as I didn't feel like doing it with all else I had to do. She was a life saver. I just love all of these kids. They are really a great group of teens. They do get on my nerves sometimes, but that goes with any child. I'm so glad Scott's friends enjoy being in our home. And Scott likes having them here. Although he does like to get out of here sometimes too. He wants to go to someone elses house. But can only do that on the weekends. But then all of his friends want to be here, so it's kind of hard on him. He really needed to stay out last night, so I'm glad they did. And a wk or so ago, they went camping with DJ. That was good for him too. He and Colby wanted to go camping alone the other night and I wouldn't have it. Safety in numbers! I just couldn't allow them to be out in the woods by themselves. Not safe at all. I don't care what town you are in. That's where children get killed. Oh I just couldn't live with myself if I permitted them to do something that caused them harm or death. I'd be a basket case.

Ok, I guess I'm going to end this for now. I may or may not write more later today. Oh wait, there is one more thing I want to write about now.

A friend of mine from Hugs & Pain Group on Yahoo and I are going to write a book! It started out as her just suggesting such a thing be on the market, then it turned into several of us writing a chapter each and putting a book together on living with chronic pain and illness. Now, everyone who was interested aren't showing much interest anymore, so it's looking like it will be just her and I. She's going to put out a message one more time to see if any of those who were interested are still interested, if not, then we're going for it. I've already started mine and she has too. We should be able to put this together in a couple of months. She's doing the appendix and prologue and all. I will help her with what ever she needs me to help her with. But she'll do all of the contacting publishers and all of that stuff. Thank God! But I'll help where I can. Then we'll donate some of the proceeds to research and split the rest. I think this would be great. And there aren't really any books on the market that are written by the suffers. She's researching that too. Ok, that's it for now!

Friday July 4, 08

LOL I didn't look to see if I've posted today already. It seems like I have, but I'm so tired I just can't remember. I'm running on 3 hrs sleep both last night and the night before. Except yesterday I got a 2 hr nap. Not today though. I did lay back down this morning around 10 and attempted a nap, but couldn't go to sleep. I got up at 5:30 and went to bed at 2:30.

I think I wrote about going shopping for today's food at 11 last night? I can't remember. Anyway, I've cooked potato salad, pasta salad, baked beans and a cake today. Colby is doing the grilling. We're going to be eating late, but that's ok. Probably by 8. It took me forever to get moving. It was 3:00 before I even got started. Then they lit the grill up at 5:30 or 6. And he is cooking bbq chicken legs, brats and burgers. Mmmmm I just tested the beans and tater salad, yummy! They turned out great. The boys and a couple of girls are going to Mustang to set off fireworks tonight. They went to the park here in Yukon last night and watched. They went and bought fireworks today. I'm glad Colby and Jacob had the money, cause I sure don't. I did the dinner and that was more than enough for me to handle. And everyone is having a good day!

I talked to Chris today. He and his buddies are going bowling tonight and somewhere close by will be fireworks and they'll get to watch. He has a 4 day weekend, which is great! I'm supposed to call him at 8 our time tonight, so my dinner will be put off just a bit. I just wish Chris were here with us today. I miss him so much and this is the 1st 4th of July I haven't had with him :( I just hope he can come home for Christmas as that is his birthday too. I'll just have to live without Thanksgiving if he can't get home then too. This will really stink not having him for all of the holidays. It's the price we have to pay for him being in the Army. He has grown up so much more since he's been in there. He had matured a lot before he went in, but since he's been there, he has really changed a lot. I can hear it in him over the phone.

So, today has been a pretty good day despite me not having any sleep. After we eat dinner I know I will crash. But I'm going to fight it so I can hopefully sleep till after daylight in the morning. lol If I can sleep till at least 7, I'll be happy. Now Monday morning, I'll have to get up by about 4 or 4:30 in order to shower and be ready to leave here by 8:30. That's what time I got up the day we went to see Dr. Dennis at 9. It just takes me that long to get pain meds in me, them to take affect, get in the shower and then finally get dressed. I can't rush. It makes me nervous and I wind up making a mess of things.

Speaking of making a mess of things. I've got to put this med list in a different format this weekend so you can print it off for me. I need it for Monday to take to the hospital. I better get busy working on that while the food is still cooking. Otherwise I won't get to it tonight and will probably forget about it.

Thursday July 3, 08, continued

Miracles never cease!! LOL This is going to be some day, I tell ya! I listened to my landlords message she left and of course she wanted the rent like NOW! She was about to go to the dr and needed to take it with her to get it in the bank since tomorrow is a holiday. Understandable. Anyway, I had just gotten out of the shower and not dressed yet, hair still in towel when I listened to her message. I called her and she had just gotten out of the shower too. So I told her I'd jump in some clothes and head that way. Called her on the way to have her write a receipt since I was paying in cash. Now if I can keep up with the receipt. Anyway, Scott went with me, we got there, she met us in the driveway and then we went to get gas as I was running on fumes. Then it was to McDonalds cause everyone was hungry and nothing here to fix quickly. Scott couldn't find my money card while we were in the car so while he was pumping the gas I looked for it and found it right off. I swear men couldn't find their noses if they weren't right between their eyes. lol I'm serious. Men are so stupid when it comes to looking for things. I found the card before Scott was even out of the car. Anyway, then it was off to McDonald's. Got our food, came home, ate and then I proceeded to find my bills, which I've been unsuccessful so far. But while looking thought a stack of papers on my headboard, I spotted a $10 bill in a bank like envelope. LOL It had been there since March, with the receipt where I had paid the water bill March 3rd and that was my change. Yep there were coins in there too. I thought all the times since then that I've been broke and all the while I had money. lol It was just funny!

I'm making slight progress. I think I might need another 1/2 of a Xanax as that one wasn't sufficient. I'm going to take that next. Then in a while, after I find my bills, I'm going to Walmart to cash this other check, pick up a few things I need from there, then to Buy 4 Less to pay what bills I can pay there.

If I make it through this day without pulling my hair out, I'll be doing good. And speaking of hair, I feel the need to go get about 4 inches cut off. Why? I don't know, it just seems like the thing to do. I want some style, this plain long straight hair just isn't me. I want to still be able to have a pony tail though as I get so hot. I have to get it off my neck.

I'm feeling I could use a nap right now. The day is 1/2 over and I'm not half done yet. I wish tomorrow weren't a holiday, I could put some of this off till then. But darn it all, it is what it is. I did manage to get rid of all the cash I had on me by paying the rent and buying gas. And my little $10 bonus paid for most of our lunch. Can't beat that. Something positive has happened today besides the ability to pay my bills. And one major thing that happened is Scott's check wasn't lost or sent back to the Treasury dept. Boy am I blessed or what? Now to get it cashed without any trouble. And then I have to call SS and make sure it's deposited in the Chase account for next month. That can be done next week, so I don't have to deal with that today.

Ok, I'm off to cause more trouble or maybe even be productive with a positive outcome!!!

Thursday July 3, 08

Today, I'm so very overwhelmed. I'm trying to take deep breaths and focus on one thing at a time, but my mind keeps getting clouded by everything that is on my invisible agenda. I just took a Xanax and I hope it works fast. Some have told me to chew them in a crisis, but no thanks! I'd probably vomit!

First thing I have to do is take a shower. Shamefully, it's only been a week. Yep, a whole week. It was last Thursday before going to see Dr. Dennis. Actually the first thing I need to do is eat. I'm hungry. And that is yet something else I need to talk about as I've been binging. I don't know why, I never do that, but for some reason the past week has been horrible with eating. I don't know how I've managed to eat as much as I have and one day I had a hard time keeping it down. If I didn't hate vomiting as much as I do, I would have gagged myself to get rid of all of the sinful food I had eaten. As a rule, I just don't eat much, but can. And it's usually around 2 or 3 in the afternoon before I do eat. I'm starving right now and it's probably because I've stretched my stomach out so much this past week.

I feel like everything is closing in on me. I can't keep up and with Tara not doing her job around here very well, that is really weighing on me too. I feel so rushed, yet I just can't seem to get anything done for lack of feeling like it. I wish Nancy were still here. She did a great job! She wouldn't even visit with me until her work was done and she always found something to do, so we didn't visit much. The dogs are even getting on my nerves. It's a calgon take me away day. Take me away and don't bring me back. lol Which reminds me I need to take my BP meds. That will help too. Ok, I just took those and all of my meds. Except shots. I'll have to do that too and breathing meds. Ok, so meds wound up being first. Next, I need to eat at least some toast, an english muffin would do the trick. I'm feeling like a crazy lady here. Help!!!!!!!!!!
All of this bill stuff has to be done today since tomorrow is a Holiday and I'll be out of commission on Monday. Gosh I wish I had some help. I wish Chris where here or Donna would help me, but she won't. Peggy is out of Town and Kristen is busy I'm sure.

Ok, I have to get a grip here, I can't be frantic. I have to also get something to take care of the fleas on these dogs today. It's time to treat the yard again and Scott has to do that. He'll have to do that tonight. I feel so bad for the dogs as they are itching so much. We've never had fleas before because the yard used to always get treated in a timely manor and this year it just hasn't happened due to lack of funds. Now, I'll have to buy something to get rid of them in the house and on the dogs too. What a mess.

And I need to grocery shop or at least get something for dinner tonight. Actually I can make stew from the left over roast from last night if the boys didn't eat it all. As soon as this Xanax kicks in, I'm going to get in the shower, then go from there. The first place I'll go is to Buy 4 Less and get this other check cashed and pay some bills. Rent #1 to get her off my back. If I only had my debit card, life would be so much easier. Then it's all a push of a few buttons and the bills are paid. Or a phone call or 2. But I had to go and mess my checking account up beyond repair. Damn me for being me. It's making me nervous to think of carrying this much money around. I need to pay all the bills I can at Buy 4 Less so I can get rid of the money. So, after the shower I'll have to find out how much I owe everyone, find my bills and then go to Buy 4 Less. Then to Walmart and I can pay my cellphone bill there. This is totally exhausting. I've got to calm down and stop being so overwhelmed.
Let me go get an english muffin. Maybe this will help one of my problems, lol the hunger. I wish Scott was older. Not to wish his life away, but he just needs to be more mature. Like Chris. Scott will get there. I could depend on Chris to go pay bills and anything else I would need him to do and he'd gladly do it. I wish he didn't have to go away to the Army. I know it's his life and this is what he needed to do for himself. There was just no getting around it. Not only did he desperately want in there, but he really had to be in there. With the child support issues and all, there was no way of getting around it easily and without a load of stress.

The worst part of all of this is that I am sick and can't do all I used to do. It seems everything I used to do is dwindling down more and more with each passing day it seems. I do try to keep going, but it's getting more and more difficult to maintain in a healthy manner.

I'm hoping to be able to get some stuff to have a cookout tomorrow and then the boys can go watch the fireworks. I would love to do that too, but I can live without it.

I think the Xanax is starting to kick in just a bit as I feel myself calming down some. OR it's getting all off my chest typing here. See I told you I had a lot to get off my chest. This is most of it and it's enough. I'm praying that the Lord will get me through this day peacefully and calmly. I prayed so hard last night that Scott's check wouldn't go back to the Treasury Dept. And it didn't. Little did I know it was right here in the house. I knew He wouldn't let me down and once again I fretted about something for no reason. He is always taking care of me. And I usually do good with my faith and knowing He will take care of things. And not worry too much. But these past 15 hrs have been bad as I let my faith falter some. Then I beat myself up for that too. Because I know in my heart that He won't let me fall. I've just got to learn to lean on Him more and trust that it's all going to be ok without worrying at ALL about anything. When I get this mastered is when I'll have total peace. I'm getting there. Although, this journal entry doesn't appear that I've even gotten close. lol

Ok, it's time to move onto the shower, now that I've worn myself out with panic! I'll write again later and let you know what the outcome was of everything. lol

Tuesday July 1, 08

Goodness! The month of June is behind us already. I remember thinking June would never come as I anticipated Chris's graduation and getting to see him and then was let down when I couldn't come up with the funds. I wish I would have remembered this yesterday when the Child Support Enforcement Agency called me. It's ok, I got my point across to Mr. Mackey. I let him know they are robbing Chris blind. Taking 55% of his pay is ridiculous. Plus he just got Chris's $1076 Fed. Tax refund, $130 State and $600 Stimulus rebate. Then they have the nerve to only leave him less than $500 a month to live on. He's paying much more with much less money since he's been in the Army. I also let the guy know that Chris will be obtaining an attorney since he can get one free from JAG. I was nice, but got stressed my point. Mr. Mackey said he would look into it. Not to mention Mr. Mackey had agreed to allow Chris to send his payments of $400 a month in himself, then by the time Chris got his 2nd paycheck they took 55% of it. I told him about that too. He's calling me back in about a week after he checks all of this out. I understand he has to help support Kaleigh, but geez, he needs money to live on too. If he were out here having to pay for his living expenses, he'd be sunk. I will help him with this in anyway I can.

On another note. Everything is calm around here. I think we put a stop to all of the kids coming by all the time. Haven't seen any since Sunday, except Colby. LOL He's asked if he can move in for the summer. Heck his Mom gives him $20 a day, sure, that'll feed him. And buy his cigarettes.
We'll see what happens. I told him he could. He, of course would still talk to his parents daily and go see them, but would be over here. He's a good kid, he really is. I'm so happy that he got out of all the stuff he was into. His life would be a total mess by now if he were still in it. Thank God he has parents who care and who have gotten him the help he needed. Colby loves to clean, but he never comes to completeness. lol He means well and does finish some things. I can't complain as I don't expect him to do anything, nor do I ask him to. He does have a nasty habit of doing everything I ask Scott to do. I tell him not to. Scott needs to do something. I'll break him of that one. Sage will be gone only a week now instead of 2, so when he gets back, he'll be back over here. I will keep the numbers of bodies down though. I think we have a handle on it now.

The heart cath is coming up really soon. Monday will be here before I know it. I just hope this is the beginning of treatment and I hope I can take pills instead of the IV treatment to start with. I don't know if the pills are as affective as the IV meds. I do know the IV meds slow the progression and usually everyone is put on IV meds along with pills. The anticipation is killing me. Maybe after this heart cath, the reality of all of this will sink in and I'll throw the cigs away. Dr. Bag thinks I quit smoking back in Feb. I won't let him know any differently. I just don't want to hear about it or sabotage what treatment he'll do. Some docs can get discouraged and feel that if the patient isn't trying to help themselves, then they don't put as much into it. I don't want that happening. I can imagine they'd feel their work was in vane.

Today is Charlottes 59th Birthday. I sure feel for Dale. He kept telling Peggy the day she died that he didn't know what he was going to do now. He still has many years ahead of him, he comes from healthy genes. His Mother lived to be in her late 80's or early 90's. He's only in his late 60's. So I'd say he has another good 20 yrs on him. He quit smoking when he retired and never smoked more than a pack per day. But he does have that weighing against him. His Mother didn't smoke I don't think. I never met the woman and they were married close to 40 yrs. May she RIP. She suffers no more, thank the Lord.

I think I may have found a church I want to go to. Here's the web link http://www.ccyok.com/. It's on Vandament here in Yukon. I've read every bit of their site and I'm in agreement with everything. It sounds a lot like the church I was a member of in Tulsa. And I remembered yesterday when I was surfing their site that one of Chris's ex co-workers and his wife attend church there. Also, I know Floyd and his wife, Ima. They are in their 60's but going strong. lol I'll have to call them up and meet them there some Sunday so I can try it out. They have all of the Youth programs my church in Tulsa had and the entire setup is about the same. I sure felt at home reading everything on their site. So, I'll get that courage to walk through those doors one Sunday. They only have one service, it's at 10:30, so that won't be so bad and they have the family dinners on Wednesday nights too. I just hope that after I start going I can entice Scott to go too. It looks like they have a great youth group. There are things I could get involved in at the church as well. So we'll see :)

Ok, this is about all I have to say for now. Maybe I'll write more later today. Happy Day!!!