Wednesday July 9, 08

I'm pretty tired and fed up now. I finally got some sleep last night. I don't know how many hours, but it was more than 8. So that's a good thing. I feel like I'm among the living today. But it would be better not to be. I'm tired of dealing with all of this stuff in my life. Sick and tired. There is nothing that can help it I don't think, hope is gone. I just can't keep going through the motions of life anymore. I'm not getting anywhere. One step forward and 15 back. And nothing is getting resolved. I don't have the means to resolve many of the things in my life. And I sure as hell can't do it alone. I have no one who wants to help, I have no one to do any of it for me and I can't do it, so it just sits. I'm totally overwhelmed. Write it down? Why? It doesn't change anything. Everything is still here when I'm done writing, None of it goes away. It just seems fruitless. I want to go to church but I don't have the clothes to go. I have one skirt and no shirt to go with it, no shoes to wear to church. I'm just short of being a street person. Some of them have better clothes than I have. I wear the same few outfits all the time. This might be part of the reason I don't shower very often because I get tired of putting the same things on. Actually, I don't think that is the reason, I just don't feel like taking a shower and don't unless I have to go somewhere like to see a doc. I don't shower to go to the store. I shower when I have to and it's such a chore. I don't want to die, but at the same time, I wish God would just put me out of my misery. Scott would feel better too, because I wouldn't be bothering him by calling his name to do things for me anymore. I'm such a burden to him.

Colby and Sage walked to Shell a bit ago and got some eggs and bread. I made them all breakfast. I didn't have anything here to feed them and not much money left for the month so I'm afraid to spend any, even at the grocery store. I sure needed to lose that $30 I lost. It still hasn't turned up and won't. God is just making me live in what seems like hell before he casts me in the pit of fire. I think he takes great joy in making deals with satan and then sitting back and watching what takes place. They have me squirming I tell ya.

Why is it that others can get the medical care they need and get treatment. And I can't even find out what is wrong with me? God doesn't want me to have treatment because without his plan for me to burn in that pit of fire is closer and more apt to happen. My life is shit. And it always will be. Maybe I'll get lucky and just have a massive heart attack and it'll kill me instantly. One can only hope.