Wednesday July 30, 08

Today is Billy's 49th birthday! I can't believe we are as old as we are. I just wish he were still alive. I do think of him often, but have really gotten over the hurt of his death. But I'll never stop missing him. And will always hold him close to my heart. And I think this has a tad to do with why I'm so close to Chris, he reminds me so much of Billy. His mannerisms are the same, his smile. As a matter of fact, I identified him in the group picture of his platoon by his mouth. He has Billy's mouth. He has Billy's laugh too.

I really think I've given up on the PH stuff. I learned from someone at the PH Group I'm a member of, just yesterday, that there is really no treatment for secondary PH. It's a matter of finding what is causing it and treating that. I just can't go through all of this alone and I won't. I will just let it run it's course. Nothing in my life has ever been easy, I don't know why I thought things would be with this. So, when ever God wants to take me, I'm ready. I just can't deal with all of this anymore. These docs don't really seem to know what they are doing in my case and that I just can't bare. I was supposed to have gone to the lab on the 14th and 21st for Dr. Bag due to this new med he put me on. I haven't been yet. And I can go right here in Yukon. I just don't want to take the time to do it, so I haven't. I just have no desire to be involved in all of this crap anymore. And when a doctor shows little interest then I do too. It's like it's no big deal, the way they are handling it anyway. So why should I get all worked up over nothing? And they treat it that way because they don't know what to do. I do want to get off some of this medicine. And I will eventually find a Internal Med doc who will take me on. It's hard to even find a new PCP. When Dr. McCurdy closed his practice, Donna and I called several Dr's offices before we found one who would even take me with the general chronic illnesses, not to mention the pain. We couldn't find one to treat my pain. It had to be a pain management specialist. I'm so tired of fighting all of this alone. And Scott is getting ready to start school and I won't even have him anymore to help me get to the Dr. Then I will feel even more alone.

I'm very tempted to tell Peggy that I'm sorry, I just can't help her with Bill. I can't handle my own stuff, why should I do that?

Well, this is pretty much what I had to say in reference to the email I sent to you earlier. It's not really that I don't care. It's that the Dr's don't really care, so why should I? Why should I fight, when I need them to fight with me and they aren't willing to fight. They have other easier things to focus on. I'm just a problem child. Always have been. So, I'll get by the best I can on what I have and see where it takes me. Yes, I'd love to have a better quality of life and live longer, but that doesn't seem to be a part of my future.