Friday August 15, 08

I'm bored stiff today. I don't know why. Today is no different than any other day. I'm just bored. I find myself wanting to visit with someone, anyone. lol Just anything to keep from being bored. I don't feel like dealing with medical stuff though. I do have things I could and should be doing, but don't wanna do any of them. They just aren't appealing! Ever have those days? I'm sure your life is too hectic for you to ever really get bored.

Colby has gone out with some friends. Scott is home not feeling well. He has a sore throat and made me take him to the ER this morning. He just knew he was dying and I couldn't convince him otherwise. In trying to, he accused me of just not caring. lol Little chit! So I took him and we were there all of 15 whole minutes. He just has sinus drainage that is causing his throat to hurt when he swallows and he just knew he was dying. So I appeased him. We checked in at 8:10 and left at 8:25, lol included everything.

I'm fighting with quitting smoking. It's a great battle for me. I've had lots of thoughts about it even down to thinking that it would be a great thing for my boys to feel and say "Mom picked smoking over living longer and being with us", after I die. That would be a fine thing for them to have to say when I die, huh? Then I think about the fact that much of what I have is self inflicted. And that one truly SUCKS! It all comes from me not living a healthy life style. Now the fibro and cfs are the only things just about that I can say I didn't bring on myself. Most everything else is my own fault and let me tell you, this is very hard to face and deal with. And I guess I think so little of myself that I haven't cared enough to take care of me. And then to think that many of the things that I bitch about not being able to do, I might be able to do if I'd quit smoking and lose weight. I'm sure it would give me a better quality of life. But I guess I just want someone to do it for me and they can't. *I* have to do this and I don't want to be deprived. But on the other hand, the things I'd be deprived of would give me greater benefits in life. How stupid can I be? Someone just needs to take me outback and shoot me?

There has got to be a reason why I'm this way? If I could just find that, maybe it would help me do what I need to do, but the clock is ticking and I don't have time to mess around. I've waited now till there is permanent damage to my lungs and heart. None of it can be reversed, but could be made better. If I were needing to do this for someone else's body, I bet I could do it much easier. Why can't I do it for my own? Do I not feel worthy? I know apart of me doesn't feel worthy because no one else cares enough so it seems. Or maybe I've just driven them all off with my anger. I know I drove Donna off with my anger. But I thought sisters were supposed to love unconditionally? I guess I was wrong there.

Charlotte, my sister who died in June helped me to quit smoking back in 1999. I was in the hospital and was to come home with oxygen due to the congestive heart failure. I talked to her on the phone as I knew I had to quit smoking, even though I didn't want to. I had her to tell me all the ugly things about smoking cigarettes and how I would die. As she was a nurse and knew all of the medical stuff. I'm sure to a point she made things sound worse than they were, but I cried on the phone, got angry, let it all out and I quit. I quit for 7 months. Funny thing is, I started back up with her. lol She was visiting my home 7 months later and we'd gone out on the balcony for her to smoke, it didn't bother me. But just out of curiosity, I asked for a drag off her cig just to see what it was like, if it would make me dizzy or what ever. BIG mistake, HUGE. Next thing, I smoked a whole cig, then another and then the next day I bought a pack. I was back to smoking again. I can still kick my own butt for doing that. If I could just have the determination I had back then. I just don't have a lot of hope I guess. And as for losing the weight. I know I'm going to have hanging bags of skin afterwards and that will just totally gross me out. I have no way of paying to have it surgically removed AND I don't know if my health would even allow me to make it through a surgery like that. I probably wouldn't even be able to find a surgeon who'd do it since it was a life threatening surgery that was needed to save my life, is what I mean.

I know for sure quitting smoking would make me feel better and I could breathe better. Two years ago I tried to quit and I had made it through 3-4 days, I could walk better, my breathing was better. I felt lighter on my feet because I could breathe. You'd think with just that right there, I would have stayed off of them, but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I'm too friggin STUPID.

Am I subconsciously making myself suffer for some reason? I wish the heck I knew WHY I do what I do. Can someone please tell me? Maybe it would help me to STOP beating myself up both on the inside and out.

Everything Dr. Dennis said the other day is so true and I know it. I've known about everything he said for a long time. So WHY can't I do what I NEED to do? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

I sit here as I type this SMOKING...........STUPID STUPID STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!