Monday July 14, 08

Today started out to be a somewhat great day, other than fighting with Scott over cigarettes. After the past year, nearly, that I have bought him cigarettes, even though I shouldn't have, he can't share if I''m out and he has some. I was so mad at him this morning I could have spit nails. He's a selfish little prick! Yes, I called him that, God forgive me. But he makes me so mad. He called me a bitch again today, and told me FU to go with it. He can be the biggest asshole on this earth. Colby buys the cigarettes because as you know, I don't have the money to. I feel so stupid fighting with a little teenage punk over cigarettes, but that's the addiction part of cigarettes. I had to fight with Scott all morning to get any cigarettes until Colby got over here and I went to get some.

So since all of this went on this morning, Scott hasn't done a thing for me all day. I had asked him to make another pot of coffee this afternoon as it replaces food for me. He said NO, I'm still Pissed at you. The little jerk. I'm so upset with him Tanja. And I'm really bad at the name calling to him when I'm mad at him as I couldn't hit him and hurt him. Plus he'd probably hit me back. He's just biding his time until he turns 18 and can get out of here. I told him not to wait, GO NOW. I won't stop him. But I would, I'd call the police and report him as a runaway even though I want him out of here. Scott's never going to make it in the outside world as he is too friggin lazy to make it. He wants to get paid, but doesn't want to work. He and Colby were supposed to go looking for jobs today, but of course that didn't happen. He didn't get out of bed till 11:30. And that was only because we were fighting over cigarettes. So the day turned to be rotten. I swear if I could spank him and hurt him, I'd take great satisfaction in that. But as I said, he'd hit me back or I'd go to jail for child abuse. Scott just holds his anger in, and every now and then he'll have an outburst. But not near as bad as they used to be. He tries to just keep his mouth shut or get away from me. And I put him down too. Anything to hurt him. I have to stop allowing myself to do this. But he makes me so mad because I can't hurt him. Yes, I want to hurt him when he's like this and I do get verbally abusive.
I didn't today, but I have told him in the past that I hate him or can't stand him and want him out of my house. he can be the most miserable person to live with and then at times he can be the most pleasent. It's not him I hate, it's his attitude and mouth. His hatefulness that he exhibits when he's mad. Makes me not be able to stand him. I'm ashamed of myself and it's very hard for me to tell all of this about the things I do and have done, but it's the truth and they are things I MUST work really hard on. I do good until he starts being an ass, then I blow. My mouth just runs and runs.