Sunday June 29, 08, continued

I tell you what, if it's not something I get myself into, it's Scott causing trouble. Now his friends are contributing. Colby had been cutting up tree limbs in the back yard from recent storms. And then I've caught him burning some of the stuff in the cookers in the back yard. I've told him and Scott both that this is illegal in the City and even in the Country you have to have a burn permit to burn stuff like this. I'll be damned if they weren't doing it again earlier today, in which I got onto them and told them they just can't do this. Then here at 11:30 tonight, the dogs were going nuts, I was asleep in my room. I was watching tv and dozed off. Was awakened by the dogs and when I found out what was going on, the police and fire department were in my backyard. They were out there burning this stuff once AGAIN. Then my neighbor from the West side of me was in my yard too. In which I told her she had no business in my yard and that she needed to leave. . She has called my landlord before complaining that Scott was throwing balls over the fence at her dog which wasn't true. His balls were just going over the fence by accident. She's just a bitch and looks for things to cause me trouble. She's one of these Holier than Thou people and a nosey neighbor. She of course was the one who called the fire dept. Told them she thought my house was on fire. I'm glad she was looking out for this, but her reasons aren't admirable. So now Scott will have to attend some burn class. That will teach him why this isn't safe to do. It's Colby who was doing this, but Scott needs to control his friends. I can't stay up with them all night, which what they do. So, I came back in here once the fire dept left and I yelled at the two friends, Sage and Colby. Colby didn't look too happy that I was yelling at him, but he can just get over it. Then I yelled at Scott pretty good and as a result of making him mad by yelling at him, you should see the office door. It's hanging by 2 hinges and the wood is destroyed where he kicked the door open to come in here after leaving my room, he says it was either the door or me. I told him if he was going to hit me, he better make it good. Because he won't be allowed back in my house to ever do it again. And I would press charges against him. I will, no doubt get a phone call from my landlord tomorrow. And it wouldn't surprise me if she didn't evict us. If this happens. I have no clue what we'll do. I did tell Scott that if I get evicted he'll have to go to DHS or something because he won't be coming with me. I can't take no more of the stress he dishes out. Thankfully, it's been a while since stuff like this has gone on with his anger, but I have enough stress in my life, I don't need an ounce more.

Tanja I just can't take anymore. And I also told Scott in anger that he will NOT have any more friends over the rest of the summer and that he isn't running the streets like his friends do. So he's got a boring 2 months a head of him. I love these kids Tanja, but I just can't take all of this. Colby did a LOT of house cleaning today all by himself. He even rearranged the pantry and got rid of 4 bags of expired food that have come from food pantries. The kitchen was a total disaster this morning, but Colby got back over here at about 10 this morning and had been busy all day. He took pictures of the Pantry on his phone and brought it to the bedroom to show me what he'd done to it. It looks really nice. He even did all of Scott's laundry today and there were about 4 loads. This morning, you couldn't see Scott's bedroom floor, much less walk on it. Everything was piled almost the top of the bed all around his bed. There were clothes in the living room that needed to be put away that he folded and a few that needed to be folded. I have told Scott 7 times today to do it. But he never did. Then when the fire dept was here and I was in the living room, seeing all of the mess. Colby and Sage helped Scott clean it up.

I had finished up in the kitchen after Colby was all done today. Bleached the sinks and stuff as Tara just doesn't ever do that. Then I cooked dinner. We ate really late because Colby had gone with Sage to a girls house and didn't get back till 9:30. I didn't have food to feed Sage, only 3 chicken breasts for Colby, Scott and I. So, I fixed Sage 4 hotdogs without buns to have with the mashed potato's and green beans. Heck Colby is a little worker. He even peeled all of the potatoes before he and Sage left. He just likes to help out. But he can sure make a mess too.

I had fallen asleep while watching tv tonight. I think I already said that earlier, and now I think it's time for me to go to bed. I'm almost afraid to go to bed with these kids still up. If it hadn't have been so late, I would have sent them home after the fire ordeal. But I did let it be known, that no one is allowed back over here the rest of the summer. It has all just gotten way out of hand. And it's partly my fault as I'm just not a firm authority figure. The kids don't listen to me. For some reason, I'm not able to put the fear in them. They just see it as me bitching. And ignore me.

Anyway, I guess this is it for now. I just had to get all of this out of my system. See you in a few hours!!

Saturday June 28, 08, continued

I wish I could be mean. Or exercise more authority. Scott has all of these kids over here and now 2 girls have shown up. Ashly and Krista. These girls never talk to me. Makes me nervous. This gives me great anxiety and why can't I just tell them they can't be here? Why won't Scott manage his friends. I think it's up to him to manage him, but he won't and he's not. I'm not a very good authority figure with teens. Younger kids I can handle, but the older ones, I just cower for some reason. Why am I like this Tanja? Why am I such a whimp and afraid to make people mad at me? Actually Scott was still asleep when the girls showed up. I'm sure one of the 3 boys who are here invited them or told them to come on over. This is just more than I can take right now.

Saturday June 28, 08

Darn allergies are rampet this morning. I've had to take 2 benedryl pills today already. I usually only have to take one and that's it for the day. But today is bad out there. And it's humid as heck.

I'm hurting like hell. Waiting for the mail to come so I can get my pain meds filled. I hope the scripts are there. They should be. I'll be totally upset if they didn't get mailed yesterday. I called them in Thursday so they should be here today. Our mail always comes so late. This long acting Morphine just isn't worth a crap. I hate it. But I take it anyway. It does help a small amount, but I really need the short acting stuff and I'm out right now. I know I'm going to need at least 3 or 4 to get this pain under control today.

Only 5 more days till payday. I can't wait. And I hope both checks are deposited in the Chase account. Social Security won't use the prepaid Visa for some reason and they changed Scott's back to Chase, but it was the day after cut off for changes. So they said IF it still goes to the prepaid Visa, it will be sent back to the Treasurey department and I don't want that. No telling how long it will take to get the check back to me. If there is a mess to be made of finances, I'll find it and make it. I hate dealing with money anymore. I make such messes and we suffer for it.

I know I'm losing a little bit of weight due to not having food, but that's a good thing. God can see I need to lose weight :) So, I will think positively about it. Plus, I don't seem to be suffering from it. lol There is plenty of food in our kitchen it just has to be cooked or heated and I don't feel like doing that. So, we'll say I'm losing for lack of feeling like making food. I did make taco's last night. I can't believe how much food costs. I could have probably gone to taco bell and got the same amount of food for the same cost as I paid for it at the grocery story AND I had to cook it. Well maybe not, but close. These growing boys can eat I tell ya. I made 24 crunchy taco shells, and there were 20 flour tortilla's and they are ALL gone. I cooked 3 or 4 lbs of hamburg, 3/4's of a head of lettuce, a tomatoe, 2 cans of refried beans, 6 cups of spanish rice, 1 onion. And they ate every bit of it. There was only some lettuce and tomatoe left this morning. This is among 4 boys and me. Oh and I made the dogs each a cruncy taco. Gotta feed my babies too :) They love taco's. They eat the lettuce and all. lol I'll usually get them a taco from taco bell when we go or a double cheeseburger from McDonald's. They love it! It replaces a meal of dog food for them. And they love spaghetti. They were so humgry this morning, Bandit wouldn't leave me alone till I made their food. He just kept bitching. Finally I gave in, but I was hurting and had to sit to make their food. Little brat! These guys are like two little toddlers and the teen boys make the messes of 4 toddlers. lol Actually worse. But they are cleaning it up. My house will never look the same.

Ok, I'm going to stop bitching this morning. lol I'll write more later when I can think of something theraputic!! Or something that pertains to therapy.

Friday June 27, 08

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I'm so pissed at these damn teenagers. NEVER again will Scott have more than 1 spend the night at a time, or more than 2 visiting. They are the biggest friggin pigs I've ever know. Typical men! GOD I CAN"T STAND MEN.

They cleaned the livingroom as they were told to last night as I was about to send them ALL home. Scott talked me into letting them all spend the night one more night, then he wouldn't have anyone over all weekend. I hate bargining with him, but I always do as he wins. My friggin rug from the living room was on the patio again as a result of them cleaning the living room last night. They even rearranged the sofa and loveseat and cleaned under them. Ok so that was a good thing, but here it is getting ready to rain and my rug was on the patio, my chain saw in the middle of the yard, 2 lamps were out there, some of my towels, Scott's socks and Lord knows what else. I got in what I could and made Colby get up and go get the lamp from the middle of the yard. Why this stuff is out there in the first place, I have no friggin clue. They make me soooooooooo mad. They cooked spaghetti last night. I didn't cook because Scott wouldn't help me do it and I'll be damned if I was going to break my back feeding his friends. He could at least help. So they cooked and made a huge mess which I picked up this morning before Tara got here. I cannot stand waking up to a nasty house. They have clothes all over the living room, shoes here and there and crap all ove the coffee table. You can't even tell they cleaned it except the rug is up. I'm so mad I could spit nails. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I also told Scott to put his clothes away that Tara was nice enough to wash for him, they were still on the kitchen table this morning. God I can't stand men! They royally SUCK.

I'll write again later when I'm not so mad.

Thursday June 26, 08

I really feel for Glenda today as today is the day of Charlotte's funeral and it's also Glenda's 51st or 52nd birthday. It's her 51st. Had to figure it up there. lol I'll be thinking of all of them today as they go to her funeral.

I've got to stop these boys from coming over so much or make them stop making messes. My living room looks like a bomb literally went off in it this morning. They made one huge mess yesterday evening, then they went camping last night and came home at 1am or so. They woke me up at 1:30 with screaming and making the dogs bark. I wasn't a happy camper! Then I get up this morning and the living room is more of a mess than it was when I went to bed. I didn't think to look at the living room before they left as it had only been an hr and a half since we'd eaten dinner and the living room was clean then. They work so fast and they are nearly 17, all 3 of them. Scott doesn't care and doesn't do anything I say, so of course his friends are going to react the same way to anything I say. If that's the way it's going to be, they can just not come back to my home. They need to respect my home more than if it were theirs. I know their parents wouldn't allow what they do here. I like having them here, I just don't like the mess and disrespect. My backyard still isn't cleaned up and I'm going to get in Colby's butt today. He WILL clean it up or he won't come back. He's the one who made the big mess out there. Some of my towels are even on the patio from Scott bathing the dogs. It's not Tara's job to do all of this and I can't do it. I'm pretty upset with them and very disappointed.

The emotional thing I was going to write about yesterday that I never got around to, is this:

From reading between the lines on Tuesday, I'm sure you figured out this secret of mine is something sexual. I know you aren't stupid and I said too much. Now I have the need to explain myself. But you will be the only person I EVER tell about this. I don't trust anyone with this Tanja. I trusted once and got burned. If you have ever told anything of one of your clients, I hope this won't be one of them. As I said, it's really not a huge deal, it's what society makes of it. This is why I keep it to myself. And your right, it still bothers me. Maybe by doing this, I will be free from it once and for all. If I can only forgive myself. When I was about 10 or 11 yrs old. Yeah, I must have been 11, maybe even 12. Charlotte's children, Chris and P.D. as we called her at the time, were about 3 and 5. I pray to God they don't remember this. They don't seem to as I've been around both of them and neither of them seem to have any ill feelings. It was really an innocent act of a child, I think anyway. Maybe I'm discounting it and it's more than I see it as. Or what I've resolved to see it as. Anyway, I made them do things to each other. Just touch each other sexually. That's as far as I'll go with what happened, but it wasn't any worse than that. I just can't get descriptive. This is the only time anything like this ever happened. As you know, I was molested by my brother who is 13 yrs older than me, the first time it happened I was 8 yrs old, the other times were between the ages of 12 and 14. It went on for 2 yrs solid. I've heard and read that some children tend to do to other children what was done to them. And in some ways it could have been total curiosity. I don't know. But that is what I've carried around all these years.

Also, I have something that I did that I've never told another soul. When I was about 5 or 6, there was a little girl who lived next door or in the same building we lived in. And I remember playing Ozella, Moma's twin sister, who is very or was very evil. She abused us allot. I would be playing with this little girl and I would tell her to do things while playing and then get onto her for doing it. As if I were acting out the abuse I had endured. I don't know what to think of this and I've always felt bad about it. Yet, I've never told another soul. You are the only one to ever know of this act. I hope you won't see me as a child abuser or molester as I don't feel that is what I am. Or maybe I do, I don't know. I hope you will take these things to your grave with you. I don't want them any where in my records either. And I don't want them discussed with Alli or anyone else. You have to promise this?

Monday June 23, 08

Man o man! I'm glad yesterday is over. But I'm sure worn out this morning. I got up really early, like a little after 5.

This was a whirlwind weekend for sure and then topped off with Charlotte's death. No wonder I'm tired. I'm kind of relieved that Shana isn't staying here. That would have been another stressor that I didn't need. I'm doing good dealing with Scott and all of his friends. I'm thankful he has a social life, but my gosh, it's 7 days per week. He sure got popular. There are kids in and out of here all the time. And it's not just 3 anymore. There are about 8 or 9 that come and go. It does make me feel good that his friends enjoy being here. I'd rather have this than for Scott to be gone all the time like this kids are gone from home all the time.

That girl Ashley came over yesterday. Been a little while since she's been here. Then Sage showed up around 9:30. He and her went to McDonald's at 10:30 and then around 12:30 Scott and him were sending text messages back and forth. Sage was going to spend the night, but he thought Ashley was too. So did she. I told Scott when she got here last night that she wasn't spending the night. So since Scott told them no on Ashley, Sage told Scott that he and her would just stay in the park. So that's what they did I guess. This is not a stop off for kids who are mad at their parents. Scott said Ashley and she had gotten into it yesterday morning. I don't know about these kids, I'm just glad I know where mine is all the time. No, I don't know what he is doing when he isn't home, but I can bet it's nothing to get him into trouble. These parents just kill me. I don't understand why they don't care anymore than they do about their children. I guess as long as they are out of their hair, they just don't care. I have to know where mine are all the time and what they are doing.

Chris has changed so much. You can hear it in his conversations. He goes to Church every Sunday now. He's stayed off the cigarettes, he's gained 27 lbs. I bet he looks great. I can't wait to see him. I'm so proud of him. And he won't eat fast food no more. I had some over the weekend and he said it didn't agree with his stomach at all. He'll stick to the Army food, he said it's good for you. He told me what he ate for breakfast yesterday morning, OMGosh, I don't know where he put it, but it was all healthy. Hell, I can't afford to eat healthy :( I wish I could. We used to eat pretty healthy, but not anymore. Not since Danny left and the cost of living has risen so high so fast. Social Security just has to give us more of a pay increase this year. I think we need 35% to match the cost of living increase, but you can be we'll get the measly 1.5% or so. $20 bucks per month is 20 bucks, but geez, what does that buy these days? A 1/4 tank of gas? Maybe part of a days worth of food? This cost of living is just unreal. I don't know how people are getting too and from work with the gas prices alone. You know companies aren't giving 35% raises either. They really need to call this a recession, at least the prices might fall some.

Ok, enough of my ranting. I'm sure everyone is getting tired of hearing about the cost of living. More later.

Sunday June 22, 08 Depressing Day

This sure has turned out to be a very depressing day. I've often thought of robbing a bank, but that would just get me in jail. I don't know how those who do it get away with it. I just know that they always answer for it in the end. Not something I would ever do, lol but sometimes it sounds good!! Oh man, the cost of living is so high. I just don't understand why everything in life has to be so hard. These boys have eaten me out of house and home. I'm calling Manna Pantry tomorrow to see if they will be gracious enough to give me more food. We won't make it on what we have and even with what they give us, there will still be things that are needed. However, I will be grateful for what ever I get. This is all so embarrassing. I would have never dreamt that my life would be so full of shame. I wish I could go into denial of being sick and pick up with my life. I wouldn't know where to start though. But I bet I'd figure it out.

This has been on hell of a day. I feel so tired and numb at the same time. Shana is gone now. She went back to her mothers. I think Chris is making a huge mistake by being with her. She is just too much drama and she'll more than likely turn out to be just like her mother. I do feel for him if he truly does this. I have to try and talk him out of it. But it's his life. He'll have to see for himself, just like with everything else that he's ever done that I've guided him against. She just left here, came back to get her stuff and is gone. When she got here yesterday she seemed to be doped up on Xanax, I'm not so sure about tonight. I think maybe she had an emotional day as she has spent the day talking to her mother and that can be exhausting. Oh well, not my problem. She's having her baby shower on the 7th of July. In which I told her I wouldn't be able to be there because I'm having that heart cath done. She just told me that it was the date she saw her dad last before he died and she's having it that day. To hell with whether or not I can be there. So fuck it. I don't care. I'm going to learn to be a cold hearted bitch. After all she said to Chris about me a few months ago in an email, I'm shocked that I even allowed her in my home. Why am I so friggin stupid? I just lay down and take the shit everyone dishes out. Maybe that's why I'm a bitch because I take too much shit from everyone. And I'm internally angry about it.

Scott has started his crap with his attitude again and today just wasn't a day that I needed it. His friggin friends have my house destroyed and my backyard. I made them clean the living room last night, they moved the rugs out onto the patio and they are still there. I've been telling Scott all friggin day to get them back in the house and they still lay on the patio. He could friggin care less. I hate my life. I just friggin hate it. Charlotte is the lucky one. God took her from her suffering. I can't be so lucky. I guess I haven't suffered long enough yet. He isn't done with me. I'm so angry at Him. I really am. God I HATE this day. I HATE IT. I want to go to sleep and not wake up. If I have to wake up to another day like today............I don't want to wake up again. LIFE JUST SUCKS

Passing of Sister

Why does life have to be so mean? I wish I had the words to truly express what is on my heart right now. I'll just have to do the best I can. Darn cognative disability, can't get words together. Can't think of the right words, even though they are on the end of my tongue, I just cannot get them to surface completely.

Why is this family so fucked up? I won't be able to go to her funeral, let alone the veiwing. I don't have the gas and not sure I can handle being around my family right now. I'm just a poor scavanger just like my Mother was. She always told me I'd be just like her and I'll be damned if she wasn't right. There are so many things that woman said that came to pass, but I never believed her. Even though I fought so hard not to be like her, I turned out like her in many ways. Peggy is up there with Dale. He called her this morning at 7 when I found Charlotte. Peggy and Charlotte have been close for a few years now.

When Peggy told Bill this morning, he just doesn't fully understand death in his damaged brain state right now. After she told him and he thought he understood, he changed the subject by saying "lets go to the casino". Of course that isn't where they are. She has him for the day again. I'm so glad she is able to take him out for visits now. How can all of this be going on in one family all at the same time? Why is God so angry with us? He allows this stuff to happen ya know.

And I feel so totally helpless right now. I don't have the money to do anything, I can't send flowers, I can't go up there, nothing. I seem to be always the one who can't do anything. Peggy is living off credit cards, but at least she can do something. Kristen is able to go to Tulsa every weekend and spend it with Bill and Peggy. I can't even go up there once. Peggy is wanting me to come up there for a week for 5 days, but I can't do that. I'm too sick. I need to be right here in my home. Or maybe I'm just afraid to. It does help staying in the comfort of my own home though. At least I know where everything is and I can stay within my limits. Peggy is busy with Bill now that she can take him out in the evenings and weekends. She doesn't need me up there anymore. And she's not mentioned it since Bill has been able to get passes. So I think I managed to get out of that one.

I hate that I have to spend the rest of my life just getting by. It's not how I ever wanted to live. Life just isn't fair. I don't know how I'd work now. No one would hire me on oxygen and not being able to breathe well. Further more, there really isn't a job I could do that would make enough money to mean anything. Or to make a difference.

Passing of Sister

I got one of those phone calls this morning. I knew before I answered it that it would be bad news. It was Donna calling and Glenda had called this morning, but I thought maybe she was calling to see how I'm doing, but I was wrong. She was only calling to tell me what Donna had told me, Charlotte died this morning. Dale went into wake her and she wasn't there. There will be an autopsy performed, as they have no clue as to why she died. She's been very sick for a very long time though. They are thinking she might have had a heart attack. Her suffering has ended and praise the Lord she went in her sleep. She was the second to the oldest sister in a line of 13 kids. But she was #4 in the line including 2 of the boys. I really need to write a book about this family before I die. I know my days are numbered, but I'll never know just when He will call me home. I have a lot of affairs to get in order before that time comes. Guess I better act like when I was younger and hurry. I always felt I had so much to do and not enough time. The World was going to end and I wouldn't have accomplished what I wanted to. I got part way and my body gave out.

Charlotte and I had 8 years of closeness. She dies without me knowing why she ended our relationship. It ended in January of 2000. I had the opportunity to know a couple of Thanksgivings ago, but I wouldn't talk to her. You see, there is something I did when I was a little girl that I'm not proud of and I had never told this to a soul until I told Glenda back in 1995. She was my confidant, she had never told anything I had confided in her. Until this. She shattered my trust with the one thing I had never told another soul about, not even a Counselor. This still hurts till this day. I don't know if the pain will ever subside. I could never face Charlotte after that. The shame and guilt were too strong. Now she's dead. So many of us face things like this. We don't get things done before someone dies. Maybe I will learn a big lesson from this. Now it's just too late to make things right. I don't know that I want to go to her funeral, but I do want to go to the Funeral Home and say goodbye. Since they are doing an autopsy, I know that will delay the funeral a bit.

We are just too young for this to be happening in our family already. She was only 59 yrs old. She never even got to see grandchildren. I'm not sure her children will even have any. Pat, her daughter I don't believe will. I'm sure she wants to kill the seed of the Houchin gene's. Chris, her son, he may have some as he'll have a wife who may want some and how can he deny her children. They are both in their 30's. Pat is about, 37 or 38, Chris is 2 yrs behind her. Pat also chose her career over family. She is now married and her and her hubby both are JAG Attorney's. Charlotte and Dale put that young lady through 7 or 8 yrs of college.

Charlotte and I had so much fun during our 8 yr relationship. I always have those memories to hold onto. No one can take them from me. You sure know you're getting old when your siblings start dying. I'm next. Well, it'll be Wesley or I. We are both in pretty bad health. And I think Gerald has CHF, I know he has diabetes. Charlotte is the first one to go home with Moma. I know that spelling is wrong, but that is how we always spelled it. And I think Moma probably taught us how to spell it, with her 3rd grade education.

Danny always said I was older than my time and he is right. I was raised by an older Mother, God rest her soul. She was 42 when she had me. 45 when she had her last child. And to let you know how old she really would be, she was born in 1922. Such a long time ago. I never liked hanging with kids my own age much, you didn't learn anything from them really. At least not what I was hungry for. Adults were my friends. Older teens were too busy playing so I didn't hang with them. I didn't have time to play, I had to grow up and fast. If I were going to get everything done. Didn't know I'd fall flat on my face, defeated by my own body.

Ok, I gotta snap out of this. I'm sure I'll have more moments and write more. But for how, this is getting too thick.

Friday June 20, 08 continued

I will wind up letting her live here with me Tanja. She is sharing a house with her Mother right now and her doc has her on Xanax because of the stress her Mother keeps her under. I told you, her Mother is a head case to the fullest extent. If I can get her in here, she can be away from all of that stress and not need to take the Xanax. I was shocked that a doc would give her those with her being pregnant. And this is a Mercy Doc. But I guess maybe it's better than her BP being up high. Which she is already retaining fluid. She has edema in her legs, ankles and feet. She will be here this entire weekend on complete bedrest.

I've been up all night again. I'm about to go lay down for a bit. Was talking to Chris on the phone all night and she came back over here at 3am this morning. As she wound up going to the ER last night per her docs instructions, because of the edema. One good thing about her living here is she'll be able to support herself. As Chris will help, plus she can get WIC and foodstamps. She's going Monday to apply for foodstamps. I told her I didn't know why she hadn't already applied. She and I will talk this weekend and I'll decide if I want to move her in here until she moves to be with Chris. I really don't mind. She and I have always gotten along great. So I don't see a problem with that. And she's lived here before, for 2 months before she and Chris moved to Ala.

Friday June 20, 08 continued

As if I didn't have enough on my plate. Guess who shows up here today. Shana, who is Chris's ex girlfriend who is pregnant with his baby. I've been talking to him today and texting with him. I don't know what will happen now as he is with Melissa. I don't think he will give Melissa up for Shana, although it would be nice for this baby to have it's mother and father together. Oh man, I just hate this. Why couldn't he use birth control or keep it in his pants! LOL I'm kind of numb and don't know what I'd like to see happen really. I would, I guess, like to see them back together for the sake of the baby, but that isn't a good reason to be together. But then again, they made this baby, they should have to live with it together and raise this child the way she should be raised. Oh Tanja. Chris always looks to me for answers to stuff like this. I've really got to sort my feelings out before I give him any advise. One thing, is if he doesn't get back with her then the baby will be here and I can see it :) If they get back together, he'll marry her and she'll move her and the baby to where ever he is. Do I want to be selfish? Nah, that's not me! LOL

Oh, after talking with Shana for some time, I finally sent Chris a text and told him she was here. And of course he wanted to talk to her. I told her he is with Melissa and I believe he has told her the same thing, based on one of her comments to him. I did leave the room so she could talk or beg in private. She cried to me how she's messed up and lost him forever know. All this young adult drama. See it doesn't stop after the teen years. I love my boys and so glad I am here for them. I could get all sentimental again, but I'll stop before I do that.

I just had to tell someone about this. I was texting with Melissa when Shana showed up too. So she knows Shana is here. Oh this is such a messy soap opera.

Friday June 20, 08, continued

I'm so upset right now. I called my landlord to check on the electrical problem. I knew she's come over here and check it out and she did. I also knew that even though we flipped the breakers 3 times, she'd come over here and it would work for her and it did. I had to listen, once again, to her tell me that she is selling the house in December, then she came back in and changed the month to Feb or March of next year. "I just can't do this anymore" she says. And makes the comment that it will cost her $2000 to clean this place out. Makes me feel like a hill. I can't do this damn work, my garage is a friggin mess and I never cold get danny and the boys to clean it. Now that it's hot, Scott wants to clean it. I can't go out there in the heat. It will have to wait till this fall. She then took some branches that Colby had cut up and hauled them off. So embarrassing. Maybe I need to get rid of my babies and move to a friggin apartment.

Yep, I'm crying. I don't want to be without my dogs, especially Bandit. We hid the cat in Scott's room. She cannot see that cat. All of this stress. I know Linda (landlord) is stressed to the max as she is very high strung and she has a lot of stressors in her life too. She is close to divorce as well, at the age of nearly 70. And of course she brought him with her and he doesn't like me.

And I'm upset still because I couldn't go to KY. I don't know why I'm still beating myself up. I guess partly because Chris expressed last night how he was depressed that he didn't have anyone there for him yesterday morning. I feel like such a loser. In all aspects of life. Then to think that Stacey will see Chris long before I get to. She is one of Billy's ex's who lives in MD. Billy and her were engaged, she's the one he moved to MD with in 1998. She lives about 15 mins from base. At least Chris will have someone near that he knows. But I want to be there. Life just sucks sometimes. I don't know why I can't get past all of this and I don't know why I get so upset when Linda has to come over here as I know how she's going to act and I also know it's usually just a threat, but still it makes me feel about an inch tall. And she honestly doesn't mean to stress me out, as she vocalizes that. But still it does. Why can't I just take life with a grain of salt? I guess if I could, I wouldn't need therapy and antidepressants.

END

Friday June 20, 08

I've learned that I won't allow Scott to have more than 2 spend the night again. And possibly it could go down to 1. Three and four teenage boys together means trouble. Jacob decided to take the mophead off my mopstick and put a broom on it, so Tara thought the mop was broken and it was found in the back yard. Colby likes playing with fire, as in candles and burned tree limbs in the cooker in the back yard. I don't know what Sage had to do with all of this. But Sage is the one who ordered all the movies that I will probably wind up paying for. The 4 of them together are surely trouble. lol They think they know everything and I know they are exploring, but sheesh, I can't keep up with all of this and sure can't afford to replace anything they damage and movies they order. I love them all to death, but sheesh! Give me a break! They are all good kids for the most part. None of them do drugs, thankfully. I know they could be much worse than just the average teen boy. And that is pretty much all they are, the average teen boy.

I have got to call my landlord today and I'm really dreading it. I hate calling her about things that go wrong in the house. She is so high strung and makes me feel guilty everytime. That or she threatens to sell the house. I take it as a threat because she hasn't followed through with the treats yet. And she's been threatening it for 2 yrs now. I have an electrical problem and she's going to have a cow. We've already checked the breakers, but she'll have to come check them herself, and I have this darn cat here. I have got to get rid of the cat. She belongs to Chris and he wants her, but it's going to be a long while before he can get her to be with him and then what's he going to do with her if he goes to Iraq? I guess that'll be his problem when and if that time comes. I just have to try to hold out with her for 3-4 more months. We've had her for 5 yrs and have had her since she was 10 days old. I hate to get rid of her. To me, when you get a pet, it's part of your family for it's entire life. And that's the way it should be. They have feelings too. After these are gone, I won't have another pet and if I do, it'll be a dog that weighs no more than 5 lbs. Just enough to have a companion, but I would still need a yard for it as I can't take it out for walks. Well I could with my scooter.

Chris called me the last time around 5 our time yesterday. We talked for a while and all his buddies are in the back ground yelling "Mama Jones" lol It was too funny. I even talked to one of them on the phone. He said Chris talked about me every day and he had to keep him from whinning. lol So cute! I don't know what I'd do without these guys in my life. My life wouldn't be worth much, I can say that.

I finally made my appt. with Dr. Anderson to get the Chantix. I see him next Wednesday at 2:20. I hope he will give them to me. Dr. Oberst had no problem giving them to me, surely he won't have a problem with it either.

Chris is going to MD today, he should be on his way right now. He'll call me before he gets there from one of his buddy's cell phones. I can't wait to talk to him again. He's such a sweetheart. I love him so very much. At least he is going to a cooler climate with less humidity. They were all at one of the Mom's hotel pool's yesterday eating pizza and drinking beer. They had been to the Mall and to Ruby Tuesday's. He had a couple of shots there and a couple of beers. They were slowing down on their drinking and getting ready to be back at base by 7:45 their time. He saw one of his drill sgts. at the Mall and the guys saluted him, he told them to get on away from him. lol Sgts. don't like to be saluted off base. They want to be treated like normal people. They don't want to be called Sir either. They'll get onto you for that one. They all wanted to meet me and I wanted to meet them too. I'm so sorry I couldn't go. I missed a once in a life time thing. Gosh, I hate that. I will always sicken me that I missed it.

END

Wednesday June 18, 08

I wish yellow wasn't so hard to read. I'd love to type in yellow. But it's just too bright on the eyes.

I was just visiting with Tara about PH and it's affects on me. It just really sucks not being able to breathe well and here I am still smoking. How stupid can I be? This is the most stupid ANYone can be. I'm so ashamed of myself to have so little control. I wish they would stop making cigarettes. But the Government would lose a great deal of income. They claim to care about us? If they do, then why do they allow something to be legal that kills so many people? Money is their God, I don't care what they say. Why not make drugs and other things legal without penalty so they can make money off of them too. I guess because smoking cigarettes isn't an immedicate death as a drunk driver killing someone or someone who is on drugs killing someone. Those are immediate. Why isn't this an issue within the Government? I don't understand and I don't think I ever will understand. They could get rid of them slowly as to not be such a shock to everyone. Like any other change, we'd all get used to it, right? Only allow sales of cigs on certain days per week. Start by cutting out just one day, then cut more as time goes on. People will have to quit slowly and then everyone won't be running rampid because of their addiction. That would be the best way to rid the world of cigarettes. Then once they aren't sold publically anymore, make them illegal and give them the same punishment as a drug dealer and user gets. I think this is a great idea!! Let me get into Congress!! I'd make it happen. lol Yes, all of this is coming from a severe smoker.

Now back to the PH. I hate that my life is being cut short. It scares the hell out of me. I'm going to die way before what my time should have been and part of this is my own fault. Actually, to be true, I can say it's ALL my fault. To start with, if I weren't FAT, I wouldn't have diabetes, not to say I wouldn't have it down the road as all of my mothers siblings and herself had diabetes. They all died of heart failure, so that is a given too. But these things could have come later in life, not beginning at the age of 35. That is when I was dx'd with CHF. I became ill at the age of 31, to begin with. The CFS and FMS. I'd gladly live with those opposed to what I have now. IF I weren't FAT, I would most likely NOT have sleep apnea, which they are blaming right now for the PH. One thing I can say I did do, until a couple of years ago, is I always, always, slept with my CPAP machine. I don't care if I were only sleeping for 30 mins. I had my mask on. And it is said that when a person has Apnea and it's not treated is when they can get PH from it. In the past couple of years, I haven't slept with my mask ALL the time. I take naps without it still. Again, stupid, stupid, stupid. No one has to be hard on me as I'm hard on myself. Not so much anymore though. I've given up a lot in life. Not only things I can't do, but things I should be doing. And then there's the dreaded smoking. A subject I hate. I just can't wait till the Chantix kicks in again. I have to go see Dr. Anderson as he won't just call them in for me. He didn't prescribe them initially and the doc that did isn't around anymore. So I have to make an appt and go see him. I've got a weeks worth, so I have a little bit of time. He'll get onto me for not going to see Dr. Speilman. I don't like him, he's the Cardiologist. I guess I need to reset that appt before I see Dr. Anderson so I can at least say I've got an appt. lol I'm so sneaky! But little do I know, Dr. Speilman has probably told him I didn't show for my appt. Actually I didn't hear the message they left with the appt. date and time until it had passed. Honestly, I didn't. So I've got to reschedule. He comes out here to Yukon so many times per month, so I can see him out here and not have to drive to Mercy. I just love this clinic out here because many of the specialists do that. This might be why Anderson wants me to see Speilman so bad, because he comes here and then the records are here at his location.

Who knows, maybe if I quit smoking, I'm still young enough to get a lung transplant when that time comes and I can live longer. I'm hoping for that anyway. It's scary to think about it, but it's possible.

I'll write more later :)

END

Monday June 16, 08

Today has been a decent day. I actually woke up with NO pain today. Amazing! That almost NEVER happens. And so far, I still have yet to need to take pain meds and I got up at 5 this morning. The pain is just now starting to build a bit, but not enough for meds yet. I'm trying to hard not to sleep so much. I know I should be getting at least 7 hrs, but I always seem to go over that if I allow myself to sleep that long. I did take a nap today as 3 hrs sleep just doesn't cut it. I got about a 2 hr nap. It felt great and would have slept longer had Smokie not woke me. These boys are comparable to toddlers almost, except they don't get into everything they see. lol But when they want me up or want to go to bed, they are relentless!

Scott had Colby over again last night. His Mom came and got him for school this morning. They are now talking me into him spending another night and ME taking him to school, he has to be there at 7:30. I guess I could do that this one time! I hate to commit to that as I fear not getting up in time, but Scott said he'd make sure I'm awake.

Tara did come today, but I can bet she won't be here all week as her check was only $120 and then she was over drawn so she only has like $64 to last her the week and I know she'll be running out of gas unless she borrowed from Mom, if Mom even has it. She hasn't said anything yet, I'm assuming. She misses too many hours. She's talking about needing to find another job, one that pays more. If she'd work the hours she has at this job, she'd have as decent of a pay check as you can have on $6.50 per hr. And she would make more per hour as she'd be working more hours. Oh well, not my problem. I just hate that I'll be changing Aide's once again! UGH. I get so tired of changing Aide's. If only Nancy's hubby hadn't have moved her to Texas, I was so upset over that as she was a WONDERFUL Aide, the BEST I've ever had. Yep even better than Quincy. So, I'm thinking of calling Patrick, her boss and telling him to go ahead and find someone else for me, just because she has really slacked off on how she does her job and what she even does. I have to ask her to do a lot of things. She does just what she has to in order to get by and that isn't even up to par. She was good when she first started.

Colby is a good little worker. He took it upon himself to get the chainsaw out of the garage and cut up the limbs that are in the backyard from the last storm. He's been doing the dishes and even cleaned out the microwave today as Tara hasn't done it in a few weeks. I wish Scott would work like this. But Colby says his Mom won't let him clean and he likes to. lol I wish I didn't need the help as I would just do it all by myself as I used to. I would never let anyone help me with my housework. Well Colby's Mom just came and got him, so it was a NO! He did come back over after school today. He even made he and Scott spaghetti for lunch. A little handyman! He really is an awesome kid. I have to say, I'd raise 10 boys as to have to deal with girls. lol No offense Tanja!

I painfully cancelled both my reservations this morning. I figured there was no way that a miracle was going to happen. For what ever reason, God just didn't see fit for us to go :( Just not fair at all. I know He must be sparing us from some tragedy or something to that effect. Or maybe I would have wound up in the hospital away from home. Who knows, only He knows. Maybe someday we'll know the reason. I wouldn't have been going anywhere near the flooding, so that isn't the case, but there have been many tornado's between here and there and along the way, so maybe that's it? I don't know. Now I just have to pray for God to lift Chris's spirits on that day and for him to know that I'm with him in spirit and how bad it's hurting me that I'm not there. It still sucks though.

END

Sunday June 15, 08

Another very painful morning. All of the rain around our State and in our State is causing a great deal of this. And we're going to have it all week to come. lol Oh well, it's part of life anymore. It's just hard to function when I hurt so bad. Scott had to make the dogs food this morning and I talked him into making a pot of coffee. I took my meds and now waiting for them to work. I hope it's not like yesterday where I have to take more cause these didn't work. Doc doesn't give me enough to take extra. Just 3 pills per day and I can take that in just my morning dose. If he could just understand my pain. But he can't feel it unfortunately. I wish I could make him feel it for about a week. I don't think he would deny me pain meds ever again. But then again, he's a man, so I'd have to inflict him during a severe flare week! I think out of all the illnesses I have, the pain is the hardest to deal with. The depression is the 2nd hardest to deal with and the fatigue, we'll just lump that in there.

Four more days and Chris will graduate. I'm not leaving this phone for a second today in case he calls. And Scott's wanting me to go pick up Colby today. Gee, Colby just left here this morning. He should have just stayed. Jacob left this morning too, before we got up. I was so hard asleep that when the phone rang right next to my head this morning at 10, I didn't hear it at all. I sleep so hard once I make myself go to bed. I fought my sleep so hard last night, I fell asleep in bed at around 1 last night and woke up at 4:30 with no mask on. I hate when I do that. I'm afraid one of these days I'm not going to wake back up. But I guess it's just not my time yet.

Scott sure is having a great time with all his friends. He had 4 of them over here last night, two of them girls :) One was his g/f. This is their 2nd round. He broke up with her earlier this year because she's in softball and he never got to see her. She seemed to always have time for her friend Taylre, but never time for him. He's wanting to explore sex. Gosh, I'm praying that he holds off till he is older. At least he is open totally, with me about it. A very rare thing between Mother and Son. I guess this is where my Father role comes in, or part of it anyway.

I miss Chris so much and it's breaking my heart that I won't see him Thursday :( It is just so upsetting. I will wait till tomorrow to cancel my reservations. Who knows, God could drop some money down from the Sky :) I can't wait till he gets to MD and gets set up on the computer. He has his military email addy aready and I've emailed him there too! It will be nice not to have to wait a week for mail. And I'll be able to talk to him on the phone everyday if we want to. This will be so much better and darn it the dog interrupted me, forgot what I was typing. lol Oh yes, it will help me get through the next 4 months before I get to see him again. He plans to invest in the computer video thingies so we can do video calls. That will be so nice. But that's later down the road.

Yep, I'm going to have to get some more medicine. This will make 4 all together that I've had to take just to get this pain under control. I'm running out of pain control options. There isn't much else above Morphine to go on. Not that I know of anyway.

Tim Russet is sure sorely missed. They have named a park after him in Buffalo NY, not far from where his Father just moved from. I guess his Father was moved to WA to be with the family. They are also naming a part of the road that leads to the Buffalo's Stadium after Tim. This is so cool. He was one amazing man. I will miss him too. I used to watch Meet The Press on Sunday's when I was up early enough and I'd record it sometimes if he was going to have someone on there that I wanted to see him pull apart! He did it with such tact. I've been watching a lot of the coverage on his legacy the past couple of days. I'm about to my fill of it. I've learned much about him though. I believe he will even show up in the History books. Rightfully so. I remember waking up yesterday and seeing Matt on the Today Show on Saturday. I knew something was either wrong or I had my days off. As he never works Saturday. Al was even there. He will be missed very much. My heart goes out to his family. As much as he loved being a Father and he won't see his grandkids as his son Luke just graduated from Boston College. Oh and his Father, OMGosh, I just can't imagine the pain he is feeling, losing his only son and they were so very close. I want to read Tim's book, "Big Tim and I" or something like that. I think that will be a very interesting read. I didn't know Tim had written a book, and it's one of two he's published. Both best sellers. Ok, off this subject!

I was just thinking, maybe I take myself for granted? Is that possible? My abilities I take for granted? Perhaps this is why I can't see any good in myself. I honestly don't. When someone points something out that I've done, I think "oh yeah, I did that". How nice of them to notice. I never thought anything of it. I also think this is the way it's supposed to be. I don't feel a person should boast about themselves or their good deeds. And this is yet another reason why I don't see who I am? I've always tried to be the best I can be and the best at it. I always had a good name in the work arena. I still have letters of recommendation that have been written even by the Presidents of Companies I've worked for. They are filed away somewhere. But, my question is why don't the people I love most see any good in me? And if they see it, why do they focus on the negative? These are a few thoughts for me to ponder today.

Maybe I'll write more later. Maybe not! We'll see as the day unfolds.

Saturday June 14, 08

This morning is a painful one. Ugh! My hips hurt most this morning. I don't know why. Maybe I slept wrong on top of the Fibro. Who knows, I stopped trying to figure it out.

Scott is still sleeping. I sure hope he does some of the things he's supposed to do today. I've been at him all week to bathe the dogs again. And he has to mow the lawn this weekend, which this is day one, he just has one more day. I will suggest that he bathe the dogs today and then mow and weedeat tomorrow. Just so he won't have it all to do in one day. I hate that I have to put so much on him, but he's the only one here who can do all of this stuff that I can't. It's just not fair to him, but maybe it will build some character in him? I can only hope something good will come from it other than just giving him a work out.

I'm missing Chris so much. I hate that he's in the Army, even though it's very good for him. I don't like the idea of only being able to see him 30 days per year and that's only until he marries, then who knows when I'll see him. I'm not going to give this much thought yet as he's not married yet, not even close to it. I am so proud of him for doing what he has done and it just makes me sick that I can't be there for his graduation. He has made a major accomplishment and I can't be there to share that with him. It will prove to be the most depressing day of his life. Gosh how I hate this. I just have an emptiness in my heart thinking about what he will feel that day. I just hope he can call me this weekend so I can talk to him before he graduates. I also wish he could have gone to bootcamp here in Oklahoma, then I could have gotten there more easily and a lot cheaper. But that just wasn't in the cards for us :( Unfortunately.

This is about all I have to enter right now. I'll right more later.

June 12, 2008 Thursday

June 12, 08, 2am
Ok, I’m writing! Are you happy? Lol
Despite all my efforts, and exhausting every possibility to raise money for the trip to KY, I’ve come up empty handed. Well, I was able to get $200 and that’s hardly a 3rd of what I need for the trip. So unless money falls from the sky, it’s not happening. This is so very upsetting. I want so bad to be there for Chris.
Scott had me to make an excuse for Sage to go home yesterday. Scott was getting kind of put out by not having any time to himself. So I just told Scott out loud that I wanted some alone time with him. So Sage left. I feell kind of guilty because his parents weren’t home, they were staying in Guthrie with some family members, visiting and Sage had to go to Jacob’s house, where he didn’t really want to go. But geez, he had been here for nearly 3 wks except for 2 nights he spent at his own home. But everything worked out and there are no hard feelings.
END
June 12, 08
Later in the day.
Today was one hell of a day. It seemed everyone was out to upset me. I know that isn’t true, but when it rains, it pours. I did fine this morning, except I didn’t get my butt out of bed until 10. Bandit was persistent in waking me up with Tara left, I told him that he’s supposed to wake me when she gets here, not when she leaves. Lol Silly puppy!
Then I had a bad experience with Dr. Bag’s office. I’ve left 3 messages on his nurses voice mail this week and she’s never called me back. Finally, I left the 3rd message this morning and still no return call. So I called up there and asked the person who answered the phone what it would take to get Karen to call me back? She put me through to Karen’s boss, Patty. I told Patty the story and she took my number and said she’d call back. A few minutes later, Karen calls and informs me that we are on a conference call with Patty. She then puts words in my mouth and more or less called me a liar. I was so upset by the time I got off the phone I could have spit nails. She claims that I left a message telling her to go ahead and set up the RHC for July and MAIL me the time and date. I never said any such thing and I told her so. I gave my cell and home numbers for her to call me back. She continued with her story to save her own butt. I told her she needs to replay the messages and she’d find that I never said that. She said she doesn’t keep the messages. So I told her maybe she should because she was putting words in my mouth and the message would prove that I never said for her to mail me anything. I hung up on them. Then I called back and asked to speak to patty again, in which I got her voice mail. I told her that Karen was a liar and that I did NOT tell her to mail me anything. I didn’t care what Karen was claiming and I didn’t appreciate being called a liar. I didn’t stop here either. I called back again to try and get Dr. Bag’s email address. Of course they wouldn’t give me that. But I did wind up with the Office Manager and I told her my story. I also told her that they are short handed and the problem needs to be fixed immediately as the patients are suffering due to them being short handed. Anyway, I was so mad, it just ruined my day and I let it do so. Then Tammie, my PH friend from Myspace came up with Dr. Bag’s email address J I have typed a letter to him, but I need to read it again and maybe let Tanja read it before I send it to him. I want him to know how his staff treats patients. And he needs to find more employee’s. Although the Office Manager said that is a process and “process” is a 4 letter word around there. They first have to prove there is a need for more employee’s, which there is. Then they have to get it approved, then find the right person to work in a specialty office. I understand that of course, but sheesh, it shouldn’t be this hard. I’ve been with him 3 months and he’s been short handed since I’ve been there, not to mention the nurse that was there when I started, Bob, has quit a couple of months ago. So it appears that the employee’s are overworked and they need more staff. So dammit, hire more!
The RHC is now scheduled for July 7th and I assume at 9am. I’ll find out today when the mail comes. Karen did tell me it was the 7th on the phone, but not what time.
And I’m totally upset that I can’t go see Chris. This is really bothering me really bad. I am experiencing embarrassment, guilt and shame.
END
June 13, 08
1pm
Today, so far has been a decent day. I got up at 4am though, after going to bed at 12:30 last night. I tried to take a nap this morning, but I only managed to sleep about 30 mins. I’ll try that again later today. I’m pretty tired though.
Tara didn’t show this morning. I called her finally at 7:45 and she said she didn’t have the gas to come this morning. This is just terrible. These gas prices are really causing problems. And the fact that she’s never had a full week since she’s been with me and that’s been 2 months now. And she only gets paid $6.50 an hr. I don’t understand as they paid Nancy $9 per hr with NO experience. They paid that much because it’s hard to get employee’s to come to Yukon. The one I had before Nancy made $8 per hr. Plus they get NO mileage allowance, except $1.50 trip fee. For coming and if they run errands, they get $1.50 and they are always messing that up on their pay checks. This Innovation Home Health is a major mickey mouse operation. I’m thinking seriously about changing companies now. I’ve been threatening it for over a year. I think it’s time I do it. I might wait till August when my case manage is back from maternity leave. But then again it takes about 2 months for a change to take place, so maybe I’ll go ahead and get a hold of the fill in case manager and let her get things going.
Oh, this is so much better typing all of this. Hand writing seems more personal, but I get writers cramps in my hands so bad, this is much easier. Lol
Ok, Tanja wanted 3 positive things. Hmm, I’ll have to think on these for abit. Maybe I can come up with something by the time I write next.
END