Saturday July 19, 08

Last night was another sleepless night. I fight my sleep. I just don't want to sleep sometimes, then I'm exhausted. lol I'm my worst enemy. I should make myself go to sleep when I start falling asleep watching TV. Actually, I know before then that it's time to go to bed, but I don't. I did sleep the night before last for 8 hrs., plus took a 2 hr nap yesterday! Then last night, I just refused to sleep. Until about 4 this morning, I think it was, I slept for about 45 mins. I know I must stop this as it is shredding years off my life. And I want to live as long as God will allow. I do plan to take a short nap today, then I'll be sleepy tonight and can go to bed early. I wish I had a reason to be on a schedule. I do during the school year, and it's really hard as I try to fight my sleep then. But I'm on more of a schedule than I am during the summer. And then at the end of each school year, I tell myself I'm not going to get into the bad habit of staying up all night, lol that lasts about a month, then I fall off the wagon. If I could get on a schedule and stay on one, it would be setting a good example for Scott and maybe in time, he'd follow my lead. I've just got to do this. And starting tonight, I'm going to try really hard. I like waking up between 4:30 and 6:00 in the morning. So if I'd get to sleep by 11, I could do this and still get enough sleep, for me, anyway. And that way I wouldn't feel like I'm sleeping my life away. I love the early morning hours when everyone else is still asleep. The babies continue to sleep in even though I'm up, which is good!! Once they are up, they want to run in and out for awhile. lol

Well gee. I can't really think of anything else I want to write at the moment. Things are going pretty good. Sage and Scott made up and he spent the night last night. I had 3 visitors last night spending the night. We just took one home. I had never met him before. Umm I can't even remember his name right now. He sure thanked me for letting him spend the night last night. They introduced us when they got home at midnight last night. He's one of Sage's friends, but Scott has played hacky sak with him at school too. So he wasn't a complete stranger. He sure is polite though. Sage will just be here till we leave around 3 to go to Edmond and pick up Jacob. He's working up there today and won't have a ride home. His step dad had to go out of town and something else with his real dad. I can't remember the story, but he called me earlier this week to see if I'd come get him today if he paid for the gas. So sure, I can do that. Otherwise, I don't have the money to go to Edmond. lol Plus the tolls. I hate being so broke, but this will sooner or later pass. I just know it will. In the mean time, as thin as the ice is at times, we still get by. Haven't gone hungry yet. Even with feeding all of these growing boys this summer, we've made it. God is good and He always takes care of me.

I was reminded of how God takes care of me this morning. A friend of mine in VA emailed and was asking how in the world I make it with co-pays and Dr's fee's and such. As I was telling her all that I have, I felt ashamed that I ever complain about anything. I told her how blessed I am and I hate that everyone who is disabled can't get the same benefits that I do. Some can, some can't. I'm one of the truly blessed ones. Yeah, I pay co-pays for a few months out of each year and that about kills me, but I get by still. I'm so very thankful and praise the Lord that it's only a few months and only about $60 a month. Otherwise, I don't know what I'd do. I'd not be taking some meds. No, that's not true either. I'd find a way, I always have. Even with Advantage cut us back to only 3 prescriptions per month, I never went without. Now I did cut out some meds, like the one for incontinence, but that was about it. Oh and the Requip for RLS. I could have gotten them, but I could live without them too. So I did!

Scott and I are truly blessed. I have a great support system even though my family isn't a part of it. Even Peggy, with us talking nearly everyday, she is of no support to me. She hardly even asks how I'm doing. But I listen to her about Bill and all of her troubles and fears. Try to calm her and be a positive support person. Nancy had thought that with this happening to Bill and being so close to Peggy that should would get a clue about what I go through. But no, that didn't happen. She's here to see what I can do for her. And I will help her with Bill when he comes home. That will be the end of this month. Then he'll go to day treatment and Peggy will get him to and from there. I have my limits and will stick to them. If there is a day I can't do it, or it becomes too much for me, I've learned how to say NO. And don't have a problem with it. It's ok for me to say no. Even though it's hard to sometimes and I will push a bit harder than I should in some cases, but won't for very long. Plus as long as Donna is still in town, she can help too. I've just got to go over and sit with him to make sure he doesn't go outside, or do things that he's not supposed to. He just doesn't know any better right now. So it won't be too difficult to help them out. He will feed himself, fix his own food and all. I don't have to do any of that, which is a good thing, cause I can't. Peggy doesn't realize how limited I am as she is never around me. She never comes to my home, and when she does, she's only here for up to 15 mins. So she has no clue how I live my life. And we don't talk about it, because it's all about her and Bill. She knew I was going to have a heart cath done, but she's never even asked about it and I didn't tell her either. I figure if she cares enough to remember it, then she'll ask, if not, I won't burden her. So I just kept it to myself and those who do give a crap about me. Which are Tanja, my online support friends, Nancy, Quincie and a few others.

Ok, so I guess I did have more to write about. lol I don't understand how people can be so selfish and only think of themselves or their own families and nothing or no one else? I will never understand that.

Oh well, such as life! I know where I stand in everyones life around me. And I stay on my side of the line. :) Ok, I may go take a nap. Or may just play some more games. But I'm done here for now!!