Saturday July 12, 08

I hate that I'm such a negative person. This pink color is so pretty, but it's not how I feel on the inside. I feel like a very ugly person. Everything in my life for the most part is negative. I hate that about me.

Today is Scott's birthday and I hate it because I couldn't even buy him a card. I sent him one online though. That's the best I can do. I don't even have the money to buy the stuff to make a cake for him. Such a sad life I live. Why is it this way? I know it's just me and everything I do. I want to blame God, but.........hell I don't know. Scott just came in from checking the mail, hoping he'd have a card in the mail and nothing. Not even from his grandma in NY. She never fails to send him money for his birthday, but he never calls her or even talks to her when she calls. But then again, he doesn't really know her well and his only memories of her have negativity in them. We haven't seen her since Billy's funeral and she's been to Tulsa a few times since then and is going to be there this month too. I don't have the money to go see her. I wish I did, but I don't. I feel so bad for Scott. Chris is the only one who has called to wish him Happy Birthday. The day isn't over yet, but it's not looking good as it's nearly 5pm. Well he has me, for what that's worth. And his friends, who are here.

Something's just got to change in our lives. I don't know how it's going to change as I don't know how to change it. One thing I can do, not that it would really matter or make a difference, is look at the stuff that is negative in a positive light, even though there isn't a positive light really. Have a fake happiness. But then that would be depressing once I stopped and thought about the fake happiness. So what's the point? There is none. The only real positive thing I have going in my life, well there are a few and I guess I take them for granted, but doesn't everyone? I'm not allowed the luxury to take the fact that I have benefits, a home, utilities, a car and such for granted. Yes, those are positive things, but you can't fool me. Most everyone has those things. Yeah, there are a few unfortunate ones who don't. And that's not even 1% of the population. That's really great news. I'm a step up from a street person. WOW now that's something to be excited about. I better be careful or God will take those things away from me too.

We didn't get to stay for the entire class last night or go today. I hadn't slept since Thursday morning and kept falling asleep and snoring in class, so we left at 7:30. Scott went and talked to the teacher. I really felt horrible anyway. I can't even remember much of yesterday because I was so tired. It really seems like yesterday was a week ago. My feet and legs, moreso the right, are very swollen. I was hoping they'd be down some after sleeping most of the night last night. I went to bed I think at midnight. I know I fell asleep sitting up at least before midnight because I was going to wait till 12:09 to wish Scott happy birthday last night, but I didn't make it. Then I guess I just woke up and got in the bed. Didn't think about it then :( We were waiting for his birth time. I'm such a loser. I wish "ME" would come back. I've been gone so long, I don't know who "ME" is.

I feel like I just go through the motions of life. That's all I really do. Eat and sleep because they have to be done. I wish I could feel good too. I know I've thrown myself into a flare of the fibro and cfs. I feel just horrible. I don't remember feeling this bad in a very long time. But that isnt' saying much I guess, since I don't have much of a memory. I could have felt this way a week ago and don't remember. Today is so depressing, it should be raining.

I learned this morning that Quincie is moving back to NC next month. We don't see each other often, but do talk on the phone. She actually has a life. It seems her ship came in. Mine never will.