Saturday July 12, 08, continued

The story of the female Job!!! lol

Growing up, we never went to Church except on Easter Sunday. And that was only when we went to Atoka to visit my Aunt May. She was a sweet lady. She even gave me a Bible, which I still have, that someone gave to her in 1968. I still have it, put away. Wow, that thing is 40 yrs old now. I got it from here in about 1974. When we didn't go visit her, I remember us going to Church with my oldest sister Pat. We did a lot of things with Pat and Jerry. They had 5 children and Mama, at the time had us last 4 girls. We were all the same ages. Yeah, those 5 children are my nieces and nephews! We did LOTS of things together. I experienced many things in life that I wouldn't have if it weren't for my sister Pat. She's 25 yrs older than me and had 4 children by the time I was born.

Okay, back to my Church life as a child. I remember when we lived on Trenton Ave. in Tulsa, there was an Pastor from Eastwood Baptist Church that came to visit us. Finally, the Church bus would come to pick us girls up on Sunday mornings. Mom didn't go. And we'd go to Church. I don't know what happened, but it was short lived. Then some time after that, Donna and I began going to Church with the neighbors across the street. The Messer's were their names. It was a family of 7, 3 girls, 2 boys and Mom and Dad. They were a devout Christian family. The girls weren't even allowed to wear jeans or shorts. Dresses only. And of course Mom never wore anything but dresses, their Mom that is. This pretty much sums up my Christian and Church life as a child.

Here's where my punishment comes in. Well, as a result of what I'm about to tell. Billy and I never went to Church, except with his Grand Parent's when we came to Tulsa to visit. I was Baptised when we lived in Tulsa when I was about 17. I never really felt good about my baptism because the Pastor who performed the Baptism, had a pack of cigarettes in his shirt pocket when he Baptised me. That just didn't set well with my spirit and I felt unclean. I knew I would some day do it again.

In 1992, Billy left me for another woman. I didn't know until 3 months after he was gone that he'd been in the relationship for 6 months, 3 months prior to me putting him out. I was so distraught when he left. He left me with an 8 month old baby who'd just been diagnosed with CP and a 5 yr old son. Of course, Chris and Scott. We had a rent house in Tulsa, we'd just moved back from Texas in 1989. Anyway, I didn't know who to turn to. And I wound up turning to the Pastor of the Church where Chris attended daycare and preschool. I later put Scott in their nursery.

I began counseling with Pastor Holder at New Life Christian Center/Assemblies of God, sometime after Billy left. I even had a Christian attorney. In time, I turned everything over to God. A very deep, spiritual relationship grew between the Holy Trinity and I. It was the most awesome time of my life. It's the only time in my life that I experienced true and complete happiness. A completeness, that I'm sure you must understand. I was an infant in Christ and it was wonderful. Every night after putting the boys to bed, I'd have a couple of hours in union with the Holy Spirit. Such precious time it was. I'll never forget the things I experienced during the next 2 yrs. Everything seemed to be layed out for my life just as the Lord wanted it. Everything always fell into place and we never even came close to doing without. The Lord always provided for us and I was able to keep up my home, yard work and all. I never had anyone watch my boys. They were mine and I took care of them. Billy didn't even take Chris for visitation for the first few months. And even then he didn't take him overnight as it was in the divorce decree that as long as he was with her and unmarried, residing in the same home, he couldn't have Chris over night. Now he could get a Hotel or stay at his cousins or Grandma's with Chris, but he never did that. And that was ok. I knew in my heart of hearts that we'd get back together someday. God would see it through. Then it came to where I was content with my life as it was even if I never was back with Billy. I had the Lord in my life and my life was complete. I didn't date and remained faithful to the marriage. I took those vow's before God, and man couldn't break them. Only divorce. Or so I thought that was the only way. I found out later that there was a clause in the Book and divorce also severed the wedding ties, as the adulterer was stoned to death, hence, "vowing till death do us part". I didn't learn of this until almost a yr and a half later and that was ok. I was still faithful to the marriage. But after finding this out, and learning that I needed to move from Tulsa to Edmond, did I finally rid myself of the wedding rings. I traded them in on a cocktail ring. I was tired of playing satans games. I had no intentions of dating or ever getting married again, but I had to get rid of the rings and open a new chapter of my life, or rather be active in the new chapter that had been opened for me by Billy. The Lord guided everything in my life. I didn't do anything without consulting Him first. Just as it should be. And I hope to someday return to that life. I prayed daily and every night I had my union time with the Holy Spirit. I experienced a deliverance once. It was too cool. Demons floated out of my body. It was really awesome!! We had been doing a Bible study at Church on Wednesday nights, (I went 3 times per week and every time there was a revival or service) it pertained to allowing the Lord to rule our lives, for Him to pour out our inner being and fill us with who he wanted us to be. I followed scripture tot he "T". I prayed and I prayed for this to happen. Slowly, it happened, step by step. I let "self" die and was renewed in the likeness of Christ.

My family called me a Bible Thumper. I didn't care. I was living just as the Lord intended I live. We didn't watch secular television. If it wasn't God related, it wasn't on my TV screen. We'd rent video's from Mardel's. I took my faith very seriously. I even taught children's Church. I had group meetings in my home. I don't know if you've heard of Psalty the Song Book? But they toured in Tulsa at Oral Roberts once and I took Chris to seem them. It was too fun. I even went to Christian music concerts. I saw 4Him in concert at a Church in Tulsa and I can't remember the other 2 groups I went to see. I went alone. I didn't have anyone to go with, it didn't bother me. Grandma and Grandpa watched the boys while I went. God answered my prayers back then. And if I'd ask for Him to show me He was working on what ever it was, usually there would be some kind of sign that let me know it was in progress. It was soooo cool to have such a close relationship with the Lord. I witnessed to people, drew them to Christ. Got some coming to my Church. I was His instrument just as I should be. I lived this Holy life for 2 yrs. Then after I moved to Edmond, I had a hard time finding a new Church home and then after a while, I fell away from God :( I'm so ashamed of myself. Building a relationship with Christ, takes work and time. It doesn't happen over night. I'll have to start all over now to renew it. At least I do know more now than I did then.

Now for the kicker! It was just almost 3 yrs later, after I fell away from the Church and God, or that I moved to Edmond from Tulsa and lost my Church home, that I got sick and my life began the spiral to nearly complete ruins. Where I am today. My thinking is that the Lord has spent all these years trying to get me close to Him again and I've rebelled. I've been totally stubborn and have chose to do everything MY way, not His. And this is where it's gotten me. This is why I keep saying that the Lord has done all of this to me. I don't think He has "done" it. But I do feel that He has allowed it. I feel He's tried to make me lean on Him again. To allow Him to rule my life and I haven't submitted to Him yet. I think it's high time I give in. Throw in the towel. He talks to me all the time, but I ignore Him. I know it's Him speaking to me. That little voice that is so gentle and tries to guide us.

So, now that I have acknowledged this to the point of sharing with anyone, NOW is the time to do something about it. HE is the ONLY one who can fix my life. And I have to lean on Him! It will take some time. There is lots of healing to be done and He is the ONLY one who can heal me. My spirit has to be totally renewed again. Letting the fleshly "self" die is a process. It dies one layer at a time. And perhaps all of this time that I've wished to be dead or had thoughts of killing myself, this is what has needed to be done. This is the death I've been speaking of.

Oh and by the way, I did get Baptised again! It was by Pastor Holder in 1992, right before I joined the Church. And I figured out that as I sought a new Church home in Edmond, I was looking for the wrong thing. I was looking for my Church home I had in Tulsa and there are no 2 a like. So, when I seek a Church home when the time comes, which will be soon, I knew what NOT to look for. WOW it's been 16 yrs too long since I've had a Church home. I think it's way past time that I get on the road to searching. My search will be easy this time as the Lord will take me where He wants me to be.