Thursday July 3, 08

Today, I'm so very overwhelmed. I'm trying to take deep breaths and focus on one thing at a time, but my mind keeps getting clouded by everything that is on my invisible agenda. I just took a Xanax and I hope it works fast. Some have told me to chew them in a crisis, but no thanks! I'd probably vomit!

First thing I have to do is take a shower. Shamefully, it's only been a week. Yep, a whole week. It was last Thursday before going to see Dr. Dennis. Actually the first thing I need to do is eat. I'm hungry. And that is yet something else I need to talk about as I've been binging. I don't know why, I never do that, but for some reason the past week has been horrible with eating. I don't know how I've managed to eat as much as I have and one day I had a hard time keeping it down. If I didn't hate vomiting as much as I do, I would have gagged myself to get rid of all of the sinful food I had eaten. As a rule, I just don't eat much, but can. And it's usually around 2 or 3 in the afternoon before I do eat. I'm starving right now and it's probably because I've stretched my stomach out so much this past week.

I feel like everything is closing in on me. I can't keep up and with Tara not doing her job around here very well, that is really weighing on me too. I feel so rushed, yet I just can't seem to get anything done for lack of feeling like it. I wish Nancy were still here. She did a great job! She wouldn't even visit with me until her work was done and she always found something to do, so we didn't visit much. The dogs are even getting on my nerves. It's a calgon take me away day. Take me away and don't bring me back. lol Which reminds me I need to take my BP meds. That will help too. Ok, I just took those and all of my meds. Except shots. I'll have to do that too and breathing meds. Ok, so meds wound up being first. Next, I need to eat at least some toast, an english muffin would do the trick. I'm feeling like a crazy lady here. Help!!!!!!!!!!
All of this bill stuff has to be done today since tomorrow is a Holiday and I'll be out of commission on Monday. Gosh I wish I had some help. I wish Chris where here or Donna would help me, but she won't. Peggy is out of Town and Kristen is busy I'm sure.

Ok, I have to get a grip here, I can't be frantic. I have to also get something to take care of the fleas on these dogs today. It's time to treat the yard again and Scott has to do that. He'll have to do that tonight. I feel so bad for the dogs as they are itching so much. We've never had fleas before because the yard used to always get treated in a timely manor and this year it just hasn't happened due to lack of funds. Now, I'll have to buy something to get rid of them in the house and on the dogs too. What a mess.

And I need to grocery shop or at least get something for dinner tonight. Actually I can make stew from the left over roast from last night if the boys didn't eat it all. As soon as this Xanax kicks in, I'm going to get in the shower, then go from there. The first place I'll go is to Buy 4 Less and get this other check cashed and pay some bills. Rent #1 to get her off my back. If I only had my debit card, life would be so much easier. Then it's all a push of a few buttons and the bills are paid. Or a phone call or 2. But I had to go and mess my checking account up beyond repair. Damn me for being me. It's making me nervous to think of carrying this much money around. I need to pay all the bills I can at Buy 4 Less so I can get rid of the money. So, after the shower I'll have to find out how much I owe everyone, find my bills and then go to Buy 4 Less. Then to Walmart and I can pay my cellphone bill there. This is totally exhausting. I've got to calm down and stop being so overwhelmed.
Let me go get an english muffin. Maybe this will help one of my problems, lol the hunger. I wish Scott was older. Not to wish his life away, but he just needs to be more mature. Like Chris. Scott will get there. I could depend on Chris to go pay bills and anything else I would need him to do and he'd gladly do it. I wish he didn't have to go away to the Army. I know it's his life and this is what he needed to do for himself. There was just no getting around it. Not only did he desperately want in there, but he really had to be in there. With the child support issues and all, there was no way of getting around it easily and without a load of stress.

The worst part of all of this is that I am sick and can't do all I used to do. It seems everything I used to do is dwindling down more and more with each passing day it seems. I do try to keep going, but it's getting more and more difficult to maintain in a healthy manner.

I'm hoping to be able to get some stuff to have a cookout tomorrow and then the boys can go watch the fireworks. I would love to do that too, but I can live without it.

I think the Xanax is starting to kick in just a bit as I feel myself calming down some. OR it's getting all off my chest typing here. See I told you I had a lot to get off my chest. This is most of it and it's enough. I'm praying that the Lord will get me through this day peacefully and calmly. I prayed so hard last night that Scott's check wouldn't go back to the Treasury Dept. And it didn't. Little did I know it was right here in the house. I knew He wouldn't let me down and once again I fretted about something for no reason. He is always taking care of me. And I usually do good with my faith and knowing He will take care of things. And not worry too much. But these past 15 hrs have been bad as I let my faith falter some. Then I beat myself up for that too. Because I know in my heart that He won't let me fall. I've just got to learn to lean on Him more and trust that it's all going to be ok without worrying at ALL about anything. When I get this mastered is when I'll have total peace. I'm getting there. Although, this journal entry doesn't appear that I've even gotten close. lol

Ok, it's time to move onto the shower, now that I've worn myself out with panic! I'll write again later and let you know what the outcome was of everything. lol