Thursday June 26, 08

I really feel for Glenda today as today is the day of Charlotte's funeral and it's also Glenda's 51st or 52nd birthday. It's her 51st. Had to figure it up there. lol I'll be thinking of all of them today as they go to her funeral.

I've got to stop these boys from coming over so much or make them stop making messes. My living room looks like a bomb literally went off in it this morning. They made one huge mess yesterday evening, then they went camping last night and came home at 1am or so. They woke me up at 1:30 with screaming and making the dogs bark. I wasn't a happy camper! Then I get up this morning and the living room is more of a mess than it was when I went to bed. I didn't think to look at the living room before they left as it had only been an hr and a half since we'd eaten dinner and the living room was clean then. They work so fast and they are nearly 17, all 3 of them. Scott doesn't care and doesn't do anything I say, so of course his friends are going to react the same way to anything I say. If that's the way it's going to be, they can just not come back to my home. They need to respect my home more than if it were theirs. I know their parents wouldn't allow what they do here. I like having them here, I just don't like the mess and disrespect. My backyard still isn't cleaned up and I'm going to get in Colby's butt today. He WILL clean it up or he won't come back. He's the one who made the big mess out there. Some of my towels are even on the patio from Scott bathing the dogs. It's not Tara's job to do all of this and I can't do it. I'm pretty upset with them and very disappointed.

The emotional thing I was going to write about yesterday that I never got around to, is this:

From reading between the lines on Tuesday, I'm sure you figured out this secret of mine is something sexual. I know you aren't stupid and I said too much. Now I have the need to explain myself. But you will be the only person I EVER tell about this. I don't trust anyone with this Tanja. I trusted once and got burned. If you have ever told anything of one of your clients, I hope this won't be one of them. As I said, it's really not a huge deal, it's what society makes of it. This is why I keep it to myself. And your right, it still bothers me. Maybe by doing this, I will be free from it once and for all. If I can only forgive myself. When I was about 10 or 11 yrs old. Yeah, I must have been 11, maybe even 12. Charlotte's children, Chris and P.D. as we called her at the time, were about 3 and 5. I pray to God they don't remember this. They don't seem to as I've been around both of them and neither of them seem to have any ill feelings. It was really an innocent act of a child, I think anyway. Maybe I'm discounting it and it's more than I see it as. Or what I've resolved to see it as. Anyway, I made them do things to each other. Just touch each other sexually. That's as far as I'll go with what happened, but it wasn't any worse than that. I just can't get descriptive. This is the only time anything like this ever happened. As you know, I was molested by my brother who is 13 yrs older than me, the first time it happened I was 8 yrs old, the other times were between the ages of 12 and 14. It went on for 2 yrs solid. I've heard and read that some children tend to do to other children what was done to them. And in some ways it could have been total curiosity. I don't know. But that is what I've carried around all these years.

Also, I have something that I did that I've never told another soul. When I was about 5 or 6, there was a little girl who lived next door or in the same building we lived in. And I remember playing Ozella, Moma's twin sister, who is very or was very evil. She abused us allot. I would be playing with this little girl and I would tell her to do things while playing and then get onto her for doing it. As if I were acting out the abuse I had endured. I don't know what to think of this and I've always felt bad about it. Yet, I've never told another soul. You are the only one to ever know of this act. I hope you won't see me as a child abuser or molester as I don't feel that is what I am. Or maybe I do, I don't know. I hope you will take these things to your grave with you. I don't want them any where in my records either. And I don't want them discussed with Alli or anyone else. You have to promise this?