Passing of Sister

Why does life have to be so mean? I wish I had the words to truly express what is on my heart right now. I'll just have to do the best I can. Darn cognative disability, can't get words together. Can't think of the right words, even though they are on the end of my tongue, I just cannot get them to surface completely.

Why is this family so fucked up? I won't be able to go to her funeral, let alone the veiwing. I don't have the gas and not sure I can handle being around my family right now. I'm just a poor scavanger just like my Mother was. She always told me I'd be just like her and I'll be damned if she wasn't right. There are so many things that woman said that came to pass, but I never believed her. Even though I fought so hard not to be like her, I turned out like her in many ways. Peggy is up there with Dale. He called her this morning at 7 when I found Charlotte. Peggy and Charlotte have been close for a few years now.

When Peggy told Bill this morning, he just doesn't fully understand death in his damaged brain state right now. After she told him and he thought he understood, he changed the subject by saying "lets go to the casino". Of course that isn't where they are. She has him for the day again. I'm so glad she is able to take him out for visits now. How can all of this be going on in one family all at the same time? Why is God so angry with us? He allows this stuff to happen ya know.

And I feel so totally helpless right now. I don't have the money to do anything, I can't send flowers, I can't go up there, nothing. I seem to be always the one who can't do anything. Peggy is living off credit cards, but at least she can do something. Kristen is able to go to Tulsa every weekend and spend it with Bill and Peggy. I can't even go up there once. Peggy is wanting me to come up there for a week for 5 days, but I can't do that. I'm too sick. I need to be right here in my home. Or maybe I'm just afraid to. It does help staying in the comfort of my own home though. At least I know where everything is and I can stay within my limits. Peggy is busy with Bill now that she can take him out in the evenings and weekends. She doesn't need me up there anymore. And she's not mentioned it since Bill has been able to get passes. So I think I managed to get out of that one.

I hate that I have to spend the rest of my life just getting by. It's not how I ever wanted to live. Life just isn't fair. I don't know how I'd work now. No one would hire me on oxygen and not being able to breathe well. Further more, there really isn't a job I could do that would make enough money to mean anything. Or to make a difference.