I tell you what, if it's not something I get myself into, it's Scott causing trouble. Now his friends are contributing. Colby had been cutting up tree limbs in the back yard from recent storms. And then I've caught him burning some of the stuff in the cookers in the back yard. I've told him and Scott both that this is illegal in the City and even in the Country you have to have a burn permit to burn stuff like this. I'll be damned if they weren't doing it again earlier today, in which I got onto them and told them they just can't do this. Then here at 11:30 tonight, the dogs were going nuts, I was asleep in my room. I was watching tv and dozed off. Was awakened by the dogs and when I found out what was going on, the police and fire department were in my backyard. They were out there burning this stuff once AGAIN. Then my neighbor from the West side of me was in my yard too. In which I told her she had no business in my yard and that she needed to leave. . She has called my landlord before complaining that Scott was throwing balls over the fence at her dog which wasn't true. His balls were just going over the fence by accident. She's just a bitch and looks for things to cause me trouble. She's one of these Holier than Thou people and a nosey neighbor. She of course was the one who called the fire dept. Told them she thought my house was on fire. I'm glad she was looking out for this, but her reasons aren't admirable. So now Scott will have to attend some burn class. That will teach him why this isn't safe to do. It's Colby who was doing this, but Scott needs to control his friends. I can't stay up with them all night, which what they do. So, I came back in here once the fire dept left and I yelled at the two friends, Sage and Colby. Colby didn't look too happy that I was yelling at him, but he can just get over it. Then I yelled at Scott pretty good and as a result of making him mad by yelling at him, you should see the office door. It's hanging by 2 hinges and the wood is destroyed where he kicked the door open to come in here after leaving my room, he says it was either the door or me. I told him if he was going to hit me, he better make it good. Because he won't be allowed back in my house to ever do it again. And I would press charges against him. I will, no doubt get a phone call from my landlord tomorrow. And it wouldn't surprise me if she didn't evict us. If this happens. I have no clue what we'll do. I did tell Scott that if I get evicted he'll have to go to DHS or something because he won't be coming with me. I can't take no more of the stress he dishes out. Thankfully, it's been a while since stuff like this has gone on with his anger, but I have enough stress in my life, I don't need an ounce more.
Tanja I just can't take anymore. And I also told Scott in anger that he will NOT have any more friends over the rest of the summer and that he isn't running the streets like his friends do. So he's got a boring 2 months a head of him. I love these kids Tanja, but I just can't take all of this. Colby did a LOT of house cleaning today all by himself. He even rearranged the pantry and got rid of 4 bags of expired food that have come from food pantries. The kitchen was a total disaster this morning, but Colby got back over here at about 10 this morning and had been busy all day. He took pictures of the Pantry on his phone and brought it to the bedroom to show me what he'd done to it. It looks really nice. He even did all of Scott's laundry today and there were about 4 loads. This morning, you couldn't see Scott's bedroom floor, much less walk on it. Everything was piled almost the top of the bed all around his bed. There were clothes in the living room that needed to be put away that he folded and a few that needed to be folded. I have told Scott 7 times today to do it. But he never did. Then when the fire dept was here and I was in the living room, seeing all of the mess. Colby and Sage helped Scott clean it up.
I had finished up in the kitchen after Colby was all done today. Bleached the sinks and stuff as Tara just doesn't ever do that. Then I cooked dinner. We ate really late because Colby had gone with Sage to a girls house and didn't get back till 9:30. I didn't have food to feed Sage, only 3 chicken breasts for Colby, Scott and I. So, I fixed Sage 4 hotdogs without buns to have with the mashed potato's and green beans. Heck Colby is a little worker. He even peeled all of the potatoes before he and Sage left. He just likes to help out. But he can sure make a mess too.
I had fallen asleep while watching tv tonight. I think I already said that earlier, and now I think it's time for me to go to bed. I'm almost afraid to go to bed with these kids still up. If it hadn't have been so late, I would have sent them home after the fire ordeal. But I did let it be known, that no one is allowed back over here the rest of the summer. It has all just gotten way out of hand. And it's partly my fault as I'm just not a firm authority figure. The kids don't listen to me. For some reason, I'm not able to put the fear in them. They just see it as me bitching. And ignore me.
Anyway, I guess this is it for now. I just had to get all of this out of my system. See you in a few hours!!
Monday, June 30, 2008
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Saturday June 28, 08, continued
I wish I could be mean. Or exercise more authority. Scott has all of these kids over here and now 2 girls have shown up. Ashly and Krista. These girls never talk to me. Makes me nervous. This gives me great anxiety and why can't I just tell them they can't be here? Why won't Scott manage his friends. I think it's up to him to manage him, but he won't and he's not. I'm not a very good authority figure with teens. Younger kids I can handle, but the older ones, I just cower for some reason. Why am I like this Tanja? Why am I such a whimp and afraid to make people mad at me? Actually Scott was still asleep when the girls showed up. I'm sure one of the 3 boys who are here invited them or told them to come on over. This is just more than I can take right now.
Saturday June 28, 08
Darn allergies are rampet this morning. I've had to take 2 benedryl pills today already. I usually only have to take one and that's it for the day. But today is bad out there. And it's humid as heck.
I'm hurting like hell. Waiting for the mail to come so I can get my pain meds filled. I hope the scripts are there. They should be. I'll be totally upset if they didn't get mailed yesterday. I called them in Thursday so they should be here today. Our mail always comes so late. This long acting Morphine just isn't worth a crap. I hate it. But I take it anyway. It does help a small amount, but I really need the short acting stuff and I'm out right now. I know I'm going to need at least 3 or 4 to get this pain under control today.
Only 5 more days till payday. I can't wait. And I hope both checks are deposited in the Chase account. Social Security won't use the prepaid Visa for some reason and they changed Scott's back to Chase, but it was the day after cut off for changes. So they said IF it still goes to the prepaid Visa, it will be sent back to the Treasurey department and I don't want that. No telling how long it will take to get the check back to me. If there is a mess to be made of finances, I'll find it and make it. I hate dealing with money anymore. I make such messes and we suffer for it.
I know I'm losing a little bit of weight due to not having food, but that's a good thing. God can see I need to lose weight :) So, I will think positively about it. Plus, I don't seem to be suffering from it. lol There is plenty of food in our kitchen it just has to be cooked or heated and I don't feel like doing that. So, we'll say I'm losing for lack of feeling like making food. I did make taco's last night. I can't believe how much food costs. I could have probably gone to taco bell and got the same amount of food for the same cost as I paid for it at the grocery story AND I had to cook it. Well maybe not, but close. These growing boys can eat I tell ya. I made 24 crunchy taco shells, and there were 20 flour tortilla's and they are ALL gone. I cooked 3 or 4 lbs of hamburg, 3/4's of a head of lettuce, a tomatoe, 2 cans of refried beans, 6 cups of spanish rice, 1 onion. And they ate every bit of it. There was only some lettuce and tomatoe left this morning. This is among 4 boys and me. Oh and I made the dogs each a cruncy taco. Gotta feed my babies too :) They love taco's. They eat the lettuce and all. lol I'll usually get them a taco from taco bell when we go or a double cheeseburger from McDonald's. They love it! It replaces a meal of dog food for them. And they love spaghetti. They were so humgry this morning, Bandit wouldn't leave me alone till I made their food. He just kept bitching. Finally I gave in, but I was hurting and had to sit to make their food. Little brat! These guys are like two little toddlers and the teen boys make the messes of 4 toddlers. lol Actually worse. But they are cleaning it up. My house will never look the same.
Ok, I'm going to stop bitching this morning. lol I'll write more later when I can think of something theraputic!! Or something that pertains to therapy.
I'm hurting like hell. Waiting for the mail to come so I can get my pain meds filled. I hope the scripts are there. They should be. I'll be totally upset if they didn't get mailed yesterday. I called them in Thursday so they should be here today. Our mail always comes so late. This long acting Morphine just isn't worth a crap. I hate it. But I take it anyway. It does help a small amount, but I really need the short acting stuff and I'm out right now. I know I'm going to need at least 3 or 4 to get this pain under control today.
Only 5 more days till payday. I can't wait. And I hope both checks are deposited in the Chase account. Social Security won't use the prepaid Visa for some reason and they changed Scott's back to Chase, but it was the day after cut off for changes. So they said IF it still goes to the prepaid Visa, it will be sent back to the Treasurey department and I don't want that. No telling how long it will take to get the check back to me. If there is a mess to be made of finances, I'll find it and make it. I hate dealing with money anymore. I make such messes and we suffer for it.
I know I'm losing a little bit of weight due to not having food, but that's a good thing. God can see I need to lose weight :) So, I will think positively about it. Plus, I don't seem to be suffering from it. lol There is plenty of food in our kitchen it just has to be cooked or heated and I don't feel like doing that. So, we'll say I'm losing for lack of feeling like making food. I did make taco's last night. I can't believe how much food costs. I could have probably gone to taco bell and got the same amount of food for the same cost as I paid for it at the grocery story AND I had to cook it. Well maybe not, but close. These growing boys can eat I tell ya. I made 24 crunchy taco shells, and there were 20 flour tortilla's and they are ALL gone. I cooked 3 or 4 lbs of hamburg, 3/4's of a head of lettuce, a tomatoe, 2 cans of refried beans, 6 cups of spanish rice, 1 onion. And they ate every bit of it. There was only some lettuce and tomatoe left this morning. This is among 4 boys and me. Oh and I made the dogs each a cruncy taco. Gotta feed my babies too :) They love taco's. They eat the lettuce and all. lol I'll usually get them a taco from taco bell when we go or a double cheeseburger from McDonald's. They love it! It replaces a meal of dog food for them. And they love spaghetti. They were so humgry this morning, Bandit wouldn't leave me alone till I made their food. He just kept bitching. Finally I gave in, but I was hurting and had to sit to make their food. Little brat! These guys are like two little toddlers and the teen boys make the messes of 4 toddlers. lol Actually worse. But they are cleaning it up. My house will never look the same.
Ok, I'm going to stop bitching this morning. lol I'll write more later when I can think of something theraputic!! Or something that pertains to therapy.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Friday June 27, 08
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I'm so pissed at these damn teenagers. NEVER again will Scott have more than 1 spend the night at a time, or more than 2 visiting. They are the biggest friggin pigs I've ever know. Typical men! GOD I CAN"T STAND MEN.
They cleaned the livingroom as they were told to last night as I was about to send them ALL home. Scott talked me into letting them all spend the night one more night, then he wouldn't have anyone over all weekend. I hate bargining with him, but I always do as he wins. My friggin rug from the living room was on the patio again as a result of them cleaning the living room last night. They even rearranged the sofa and loveseat and cleaned under them. Ok so that was a good thing, but here it is getting ready to rain and my rug was on the patio, my chain saw in the middle of the yard, 2 lamps were out there, some of my towels, Scott's socks and Lord knows what else. I got in what I could and made Colby get up and go get the lamp from the middle of the yard. Why this stuff is out there in the first place, I have no friggin clue. They make me soooooooooo mad. They cooked spaghetti last night. I didn't cook because Scott wouldn't help me do it and I'll be damned if I was going to break my back feeding his friends. He could at least help. So they cooked and made a huge mess which I picked up this morning before Tara got here. I cannot stand waking up to a nasty house. They have clothes all over the living room, shoes here and there and crap all ove the coffee table. You can't even tell they cleaned it except the rug is up. I'm so mad I could spit nails. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I also told Scott to put his clothes away that Tara was nice enough to wash for him, they were still on the kitchen table this morning. God I can't stand men! They royally SUCK.
I'll write again later when I'm not so mad.
They cleaned the livingroom as they were told to last night as I was about to send them ALL home. Scott talked me into letting them all spend the night one more night, then he wouldn't have anyone over all weekend. I hate bargining with him, but I always do as he wins. My friggin rug from the living room was on the patio again as a result of them cleaning the living room last night. They even rearranged the sofa and loveseat and cleaned under them. Ok so that was a good thing, but here it is getting ready to rain and my rug was on the patio, my chain saw in the middle of the yard, 2 lamps were out there, some of my towels, Scott's socks and Lord knows what else. I got in what I could and made Colby get up and go get the lamp from the middle of the yard. Why this stuff is out there in the first place, I have no friggin clue. They make me soooooooooo mad. They cooked spaghetti last night. I didn't cook because Scott wouldn't help me do it and I'll be damned if I was going to break my back feeding his friends. He could at least help. So they cooked and made a huge mess which I picked up this morning before Tara got here. I cannot stand waking up to a nasty house. They have clothes all over the living room, shoes here and there and crap all ove the coffee table. You can't even tell they cleaned it except the rug is up. I'm so mad I could spit nails. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I also told Scott to put his clothes away that Tara was nice enough to wash for him, they were still on the kitchen table this morning. God I can't stand men! They royally SUCK.
I'll write again later when I'm not so mad.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Thursday June 26, 08
I really feel for Glenda today as today is the day of Charlotte's funeral and it's also Glenda's 51st or 52nd birthday. It's her 51st. Had to figure it up there. lol I'll be thinking of all of them today as they go to her funeral.
I've got to stop these boys from coming over so much or make them stop making messes. My living room looks like a bomb literally went off in it this morning. They made one huge mess yesterday evening, then they went camping last night and came home at 1am or so. They woke me up at 1:30 with screaming and making the dogs bark. I wasn't a happy camper! Then I get up this morning and the living room is more of a mess than it was when I went to bed. I didn't think to look at the living room before they left as it had only been an hr and a half since we'd eaten dinner and the living room was clean then. They work so fast and they are nearly 17, all 3 of them. Scott doesn't care and doesn't do anything I say, so of course his friends are going to react the same way to anything I say. If that's the way it's going to be, they can just not come back to my home. They need to respect my home more than if it were theirs. I know their parents wouldn't allow what they do here. I like having them here, I just don't like the mess and disrespect. My backyard still isn't cleaned up and I'm going to get in Colby's butt today. He WILL clean it up or he won't come back. He's the one who made the big mess out there. Some of my towels are even on the patio from Scott bathing the dogs. It's not Tara's job to do all of this and I can't do it. I'm pretty upset with them and very disappointed.
The emotional thing I was going to write about yesterday that I never got around to, is this:
From reading between the lines on Tuesday, I'm sure you figured out this secret of mine is something sexual. I know you aren't stupid and I said too much. Now I have the need to explain myself. But you will be the only person I EVER tell about this. I don't trust anyone with this Tanja. I trusted once and got burned. If you have ever told anything of one of your clients, I hope this won't be one of them. As I said, it's really not a huge deal, it's what society makes of it. This is why I keep it to myself. And your right, it still bothers me. Maybe by doing this, I will be free from it once and for all. If I can only forgive myself. When I was about 10 or 11 yrs old. Yeah, I must have been 11, maybe even 12. Charlotte's children, Chris and P.D. as we called her at the time, were about 3 and 5. I pray to God they don't remember this. They don't seem to as I've been around both of them and neither of them seem to have any ill feelings. It was really an innocent act of a child, I think anyway. Maybe I'm discounting it and it's more than I see it as. Or what I've resolved to see it as. Anyway, I made them do things to each other. Just touch each other sexually. That's as far as I'll go with what happened, but it wasn't any worse than that. I just can't get descriptive. This is the only time anything like this ever happened. As you know, I was molested by my brother who is 13 yrs older than me, the first time it happened I was 8 yrs old, the other times were between the ages of 12 and 14. It went on for 2 yrs solid. I've heard and read that some children tend to do to other children what was done to them. And in some ways it could have been total curiosity. I don't know. But that is what I've carried around all these years.
Also, I have something that I did that I've never told another soul. When I was about 5 or 6, there was a little girl who lived next door or in the same building we lived in. And I remember playing Ozella, Moma's twin sister, who is very or was very evil. She abused us allot. I would be playing with this little girl and I would tell her to do things while playing and then get onto her for doing it. As if I were acting out the abuse I had endured. I don't know what to think of this and I've always felt bad about it. Yet, I've never told another soul. You are the only one to ever know of this act. I hope you won't see me as a child abuser or molester as I don't feel that is what I am. Or maybe I do, I don't know. I hope you will take these things to your grave with you. I don't want them any where in my records either. And I don't want them discussed with Alli or anyone else. You have to promise this?
I've got to stop these boys from coming over so much or make them stop making messes. My living room looks like a bomb literally went off in it this morning. They made one huge mess yesterday evening, then they went camping last night and came home at 1am or so. They woke me up at 1:30 with screaming and making the dogs bark. I wasn't a happy camper! Then I get up this morning and the living room is more of a mess than it was when I went to bed. I didn't think to look at the living room before they left as it had only been an hr and a half since we'd eaten dinner and the living room was clean then. They work so fast and they are nearly 17, all 3 of them. Scott doesn't care and doesn't do anything I say, so of course his friends are going to react the same way to anything I say. If that's the way it's going to be, they can just not come back to my home. They need to respect my home more than if it were theirs. I know their parents wouldn't allow what they do here. I like having them here, I just don't like the mess and disrespect. My backyard still isn't cleaned up and I'm going to get in Colby's butt today. He WILL clean it up or he won't come back. He's the one who made the big mess out there. Some of my towels are even on the patio from Scott bathing the dogs. It's not Tara's job to do all of this and I can't do it. I'm pretty upset with them and very disappointed.
The emotional thing I was going to write about yesterday that I never got around to, is this:
From reading between the lines on Tuesday, I'm sure you figured out this secret of mine is something sexual. I know you aren't stupid and I said too much. Now I have the need to explain myself. But you will be the only person I EVER tell about this. I don't trust anyone with this Tanja. I trusted once and got burned. If you have ever told anything of one of your clients, I hope this won't be one of them. As I said, it's really not a huge deal, it's what society makes of it. This is why I keep it to myself. And your right, it still bothers me. Maybe by doing this, I will be free from it once and for all. If I can only forgive myself. When I was about 10 or 11 yrs old. Yeah, I must have been 11, maybe even 12. Charlotte's children, Chris and P.D. as we called her at the time, were about 3 and 5. I pray to God they don't remember this. They don't seem to as I've been around both of them and neither of them seem to have any ill feelings. It was really an innocent act of a child, I think anyway. Maybe I'm discounting it and it's more than I see it as. Or what I've resolved to see it as. Anyway, I made them do things to each other. Just touch each other sexually. That's as far as I'll go with what happened, but it wasn't any worse than that. I just can't get descriptive. This is the only time anything like this ever happened. As you know, I was molested by my brother who is 13 yrs older than me, the first time it happened I was 8 yrs old, the other times were between the ages of 12 and 14. It went on for 2 yrs solid. I've heard and read that some children tend to do to other children what was done to them. And in some ways it could have been total curiosity. I don't know. But that is what I've carried around all these years.
Also, I have something that I did that I've never told another soul. When I was about 5 or 6, there was a little girl who lived next door or in the same building we lived in. And I remember playing Ozella, Moma's twin sister, who is very or was very evil. She abused us allot. I would be playing with this little girl and I would tell her to do things while playing and then get onto her for doing it. As if I were acting out the abuse I had endured. I don't know what to think of this and I've always felt bad about it. Yet, I've never told another soul. You are the only one to ever know of this act. I hope you won't see me as a child abuser or molester as I don't feel that is what I am. Or maybe I do, I don't know. I hope you will take these things to your grave with you. I don't want them any where in my records either. And I don't want them discussed with Alli or anyone else. You have to promise this?
Monday, June 23, 2008
Monday June 23, 08
Man o man! I'm glad yesterday is over. But I'm sure worn out this morning. I got up really early, like a little after 5.
This was a whirlwind weekend for sure and then topped off with Charlotte's death. No wonder I'm tired. I'm kind of relieved that Shana isn't staying here. That would have been another stressor that I didn't need. I'm doing good dealing with Scott and all of his friends. I'm thankful he has a social life, but my gosh, it's 7 days per week. He sure got popular. There are kids in and out of here all the time. And it's not just 3 anymore. There are about 8 or 9 that come and go. It does make me feel good that his friends enjoy being here. I'd rather have this than for Scott to be gone all the time like this kids are gone from home all the time.
That girl Ashley came over yesterday. Been a little while since she's been here. Then Sage showed up around 9:30. He and her went to McDonald's at 10:30 and then around 12:30 Scott and him were sending text messages back and forth. Sage was going to spend the night, but he thought Ashley was too. So did she. I told Scott when she got here last night that she wasn't spending the night. So since Scott told them no on Ashley, Sage told Scott that he and her would just stay in the park. So that's what they did I guess. This is not a stop off for kids who are mad at their parents. Scott said Ashley and she had gotten into it yesterday morning. I don't know about these kids, I'm just glad I know where mine is all the time. No, I don't know what he is doing when he isn't home, but I can bet it's nothing to get him into trouble. These parents just kill me. I don't understand why they don't care anymore than they do about their children. I guess as long as they are out of their hair, they just don't care. I have to know where mine are all the time and what they are doing.
Chris has changed so much. You can hear it in his conversations. He goes to Church every Sunday now. He's stayed off the cigarettes, he's gained 27 lbs. I bet he looks great. I can't wait to see him. I'm so proud of him. And he won't eat fast food no more. I had some over the weekend and he said it didn't agree with his stomach at all. He'll stick to the Army food, he said it's good for you. He told me what he ate for breakfast yesterday morning, OMGosh, I don't know where he put it, but it was all healthy. Hell, I can't afford to eat healthy :( I wish I could. We used to eat pretty healthy, but not anymore. Not since Danny left and the cost of living has risen so high so fast. Social Security just has to give us more of a pay increase this year. I think we need 35% to match the cost of living increase, but you can be we'll get the measly 1.5% or so. $20 bucks per month is 20 bucks, but geez, what does that buy these days? A 1/4 tank of gas? Maybe part of a days worth of food? This cost of living is just unreal. I don't know how people are getting too and from work with the gas prices alone. You know companies aren't giving 35% raises either. They really need to call this a recession, at least the prices might fall some.
Ok, enough of my ranting. I'm sure everyone is getting tired of hearing about the cost of living. More later.
This was a whirlwind weekend for sure and then topped off with Charlotte's death. No wonder I'm tired. I'm kind of relieved that Shana isn't staying here. That would have been another stressor that I didn't need. I'm doing good dealing with Scott and all of his friends. I'm thankful he has a social life, but my gosh, it's 7 days per week. He sure got popular. There are kids in and out of here all the time. And it's not just 3 anymore. There are about 8 or 9 that come and go. It does make me feel good that his friends enjoy being here. I'd rather have this than for Scott to be gone all the time like this kids are gone from home all the time.
That girl Ashley came over yesterday. Been a little while since she's been here. Then Sage showed up around 9:30. He and her went to McDonald's at 10:30 and then around 12:30 Scott and him were sending text messages back and forth. Sage was going to spend the night, but he thought Ashley was too. So did she. I told Scott when she got here last night that she wasn't spending the night. So since Scott told them no on Ashley, Sage told Scott that he and her would just stay in the park. So that's what they did I guess. This is not a stop off for kids who are mad at their parents. Scott said Ashley and she had gotten into it yesterday morning. I don't know about these kids, I'm just glad I know where mine is all the time. No, I don't know what he is doing when he isn't home, but I can bet it's nothing to get him into trouble. These parents just kill me. I don't understand why they don't care anymore than they do about their children. I guess as long as they are out of their hair, they just don't care. I have to know where mine are all the time and what they are doing.
Chris has changed so much. You can hear it in his conversations. He goes to Church every Sunday now. He's stayed off the cigarettes, he's gained 27 lbs. I bet he looks great. I can't wait to see him. I'm so proud of him. And he won't eat fast food no more. I had some over the weekend and he said it didn't agree with his stomach at all. He'll stick to the Army food, he said it's good for you. He told me what he ate for breakfast yesterday morning, OMGosh, I don't know where he put it, but it was all healthy. Hell, I can't afford to eat healthy :( I wish I could. We used to eat pretty healthy, but not anymore. Not since Danny left and the cost of living has risen so high so fast. Social Security just has to give us more of a pay increase this year. I think we need 35% to match the cost of living increase, but you can be we'll get the measly 1.5% or so. $20 bucks per month is 20 bucks, but geez, what does that buy these days? A 1/4 tank of gas? Maybe part of a days worth of food? This cost of living is just unreal. I don't know how people are getting too and from work with the gas prices alone. You know companies aren't giving 35% raises either. They really need to call this a recession, at least the prices might fall some.
Ok, enough of my ranting. I'm sure everyone is getting tired of hearing about the cost of living. More later.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Sunday June 22, 08 Depressing Day
This sure has turned out to be a very depressing day. I've often thought of robbing a bank, but that would just get me in jail. I don't know how those who do it get away with it. I just know that they always answer for it in the end. Not something I would ever do, lol but sometimes it sounds good!! Oh man, the cost of living is so high. I just don't understand why everything in life has to be so hard. These boys have eaten me out of house and home. I'm calling Manna Pantry tomorrow to see if they will be gracious enough to give me more food. We won't make it on what we have and even with what they give us, there will still be things that are needed. However, I will be grateful for what ever I get. This is all so embarrassing. I would have never dreamt that my life would be so full of shame. I wish I could go into denial of being sick and pick up with my life. I wouldn't know where to start though. But I bet I'd figure it out.
This has been on hell of a day. I feel so tired and numb at the same time. Shana is gone now. She went back to her mothers. I think Chris is making a huge mistake by being with her. She is just too much drama and she'll more than likely turn out to be just like her mother. I do feel for him if he truly does this. I have to try and talk him out of it. But it's his life. He'll have to see for himself, just like with everything else that he's ever done that I've guided him against. She just left here, came back to get her stuff and is gone. When she got here yesterday she seemed to be doped up on Xanax, I'm not so sure about tonight. I think maybe she had an emotional day as she has spent the day talking to her mother and that can be exhausting. Oh well, not my problem. She's having her baby shower on the 7th of July. In which I told her I wouldn't be able to be there because I'm having that heart cath done. She just told me that it was the date she saw her dad last before he died and she's having it that day. To hell with whether or not I can be there. So fuck it. I don't care. I'm going to learn to be a cold hearted bitch. After all she said to Chris about me a few months ago in an email, I'm shocked that I even allowed her in my home. Why am I so friggin stupid? I just lay down and take the shit everyone dishes out. Maybe that's why I'm a bitch because I take too much shit from everyone. And I'm internally angry about it.
Scott has started his crap with his attitude again and today just wasn't a day that I needed it. His friggin friends have my house destroyed and my backyard. I made them clean the living room last night, they moved the rugs out onto the patio and they are still there. I've been telling Scott all friggin day to get them back in the house and they still lay on the patio. He could friggin care less. I hate my life. I just friggin hate it. Charlotte is the lucky one. God took her from her suffering. I can't be so lucky. I guess I haven't suffered long enough yet. He isn't done with me. I'm so angry at Him. I really am. God I HATE this day. I HATE IT. I want to go to sleep and not wake up. If I have to wake up to another day like today............I don't want to wake up again. LIFE JUST SUCKS
This has been on hell of a day. I feel so tired and numb at the same time. Shana is gone now. She went back to her mothers. I think Chris is making a huge mistake by being with her. She is just too much drama and she'll more than likely turn out to be just like her mother. I do feel for him if he truly does this. I have to try and talk him out of it. But it's his life. He'll have to see for himself, just like with everything else that he's ever done that I've guided him against. She just left here, came back to get her stuff and is gone. When she got here yesterday she seemed to be doped up on Xanax, I'm not so sure about tonight. I think maybe she had an emotional day as she has spent the day talking to her mother and that can be exhausting. Oh well, not my problem. She's having her baby shower on the 7th of July. In which I told her I wouldn't be able to be there because I'm having that heart cath done. She just told me that it was the date she saw her dad last before he died and she's having it that day. To hell with whether or not I can be there. So fuck it. I don't care. I'm going to learn to be a cold hearted bitch. After all she said to Chris about me a few months ago in an email, I'm shocked that I even allowed her in my home. Why am I so friggin stupid? I just lay down and take the shit everyone dishes out. Maybe that's why I'm a bitch because I take too much shit from everyone. And I'm internally angry about it.
Scott has started his crap with his attitude again and today just wasn't a day that I needed it. His friggin friends have my house destroyed and my backyard. I made them clean the living room last night, they moved the rugs out onto the patio and they are still there. I've been telling Scott all friggin day to get them back in the house and they still lay on the patio. He could friggin care less. I hate my life. I just friggin hate it. Charlotte is the lucky one. God took her from her suffering. I can't be so lucky. I guess I haven't suffered long enough yet. He isn't done with me. I'm so angry at Him. I really am. God I HATE this day. I HATE IT. I want to go to sleep and not wake up. If I have to wake up to another day like today............I don't want to wake up again. LIFE JUST SUCKS
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